Meis Triumph likes girls: girls with voluptuous ribbons, girls with large muscles, and girls
with huge financial endowments.
Meis isn’t discriminating; he’s just horny.
But that’s okay because this isn’t like gratuitous horny, this is story justified
horny.
You see Meis is a spirit blacksmith, not like a regular blacksmith that make nails and horseshoes
and utilitarian farming implements.
No, Meis is a magical blacksmith who makes strong turgid weapons throbbing with lust-
I mean love.
Girls’ love.
So the more a girl loves Meis, the better his armaments are.
Basically it’s Meis’s job, no, duty it is Meis’s solemn duty to seduce as many
pretty girls as he can.
The fate of the world depends on it.
No really.
It does.
Because Thousand Arms isn’t just a dating sim with a flimsy plot, it’s also an otherwise
stereotypical JRPG- with a flimsy plot.
Let me explain – a self-important immortal gasbag wants to travel to the moon and become
a god.
But not like a benevolent sky father who showers his children with wine, crackers, and crippling
self-guilt.
No.
This jerk just really wants to blow up a planet because that’s what all-powerful dickholes
do in JRPGs; it’s in the evil villain manifesto apparently.
So of course it falls to the most unlikable pick-up-artist in the universe to step up
and save the day.
That’s important by the way, Meis is not a good guy.
He’s womanizing and corny, and a lousy date.
A trait which his mentor, Jyabil, is quick to admonish and every girl he oogles is more
than happy to taunt him for.
It’s like there’s this unspoken understanding; the girls all know he’s this pathetic leech
but humoring his clumsy advances is just how shit gets done in a world with magical love
swords.
It would be so easy for these dating sequences to veer off into creepy or insultingly sexist
territory but I think Thousand Arms skirts that particular pitfall by the sheer grace
of its zany humor.
The game knows it’s ridiculous and, more importantly, never lets the player forget
it.
Personally I’m ok with Meis saying ignorant shit, because his comeuppance is swift, gratifying,
and usually funny.
I will give the game credit, Meis does undergo a transformation- of sorts.
While he never really sheds his playboy lifestyle his attitude towards the ladies does mature
as he truly comes to care for the women in his life in a way that transcends his obvious
desire to get into their pants.
This trend is illustrated with each individual intimacy arc that graduate from clumsy come-ons
to sincere personal conversations – albeit sprinkled with professions of monogamy that
ring ever more hollow with each romantic conquest.
But Meis is arguably the least interesting character in the game; despite his comedic
antics the spotlight is dominated by pretty much everyone else.
There are no wallflowers in Thousand Arms.
Each character possess a distinctly strong and occasionally overbearing personality.
And that’s not just the playable heroes, the entire adventure is a cascade of one outrageous
caricature after another.
Villains come and go as Meis and the gang kick their butts – but their brief stays
are marked by ridiculous introductions and delightful battle animations.
And even non-completionest gamers will want to seek out the hidden townie girls just to
witness their bumbling romantic interactions with Meis.
From start to finish Thousand Arms is insane- insanely weird, insanely funny, and insanely
well animated.
Which is great because you’ll need that momentum to weather through its insanely monotonous
battle system and confusing dungeon design.
Thousand Arms obviously embraced 3D dungeon design with gusto but like so many RPGs of
the era oriented the camera much too close to the environment.
Then, to further compound my frustration, they disabled map rotation – but only in
dungeons – where it’s arguably needed the most.
Consequently I spent an embarrassing portion of my adventure hopelessly lost.
Which is admittedly a boon for farming that all important MP.
But also harrowing when your healing supplies run low.
But like much of Thousand Arms’ foibles the bad is tempered with the good and I’m
absolutely in love with Marion’s ridiculous funhouse of traps.
Similarly I can’t in good faith claim that the battles are “bad” – there’s a
lot I genuinely like about them.
But it can be a slow crawl getting to the good stuff.
But first, an explanation: the combat system is….
different.
Heroes and enemies square off one-on-one with up two supporting characters acting as back-up.
Only front line characters are permitted to attack or use offensive spells and abilities.
The two reserve characters are limited to support magic and stand-by actions which may
apply random buffs to the frontline positions.
Each hero has three such buffs that are more or less unique to their character.
Like Sodina can heal HP, and Nelsha can restore EP, and Muza can ummm… uh…huh.
With seven possible heroes to choose from, players will have to make tough decisions
on selecting who to date and whose weapons to upgrade.
But forging and dating are massive resource sinks, and as entertaining as the battle animations
are, you’ll be spending a ton of time grinding - especially if you want the freedom to switch
line-ups on the fly.
On top of that because spells and specials are directly tied to dating the early game
battles are boring and repetitive.
At least with spells unlocked you can mix up the animations, but otherwise fighting
is a lot of waiting out the clock and alternating between the x and o buttons.
By end game you’ll be taking down mobs with a single blow (but not before the action gauge
fills up and they hit you first- because they always hit you first), and you’ll be dispatching
bosses with a series of flashy summons.
I feel like the combat system had a lot of potential on paper but in execution leans
more towards boring than engaging.
That said, it’s also impossible to hate any system that features Nelsha and her wardrobe
of haunted dresses.
If only dating her were as interesting.
And this boils down to preference, because with nine possible romantic interests you’re
sure to find someone with whom to forge that strong emotional bond.
Personally, I always felt a little predatory hooking up with Nelsha, she’s obviously
afflicted with some sort of developmental delay.
And as much as I adored Wyna’s boisterous tough girl persona, I found her casual homophobia
to be an unflattering turnoff.
Ugh.
Wyna, why are you like this?
But in the end true loved prevailed as I discovered my bliss with the lovely and enigmatic book
worm, Mil Wind.
So let’s say you found your digital soulmate and feel skeazy hitting up the other girls.
That’s ok.
The dating system gives you alternatives.
Instead of escorting your dates to romantic locales you can also raise their relationship
scores with mini-games.
Just bear in mind that some games are much easier than others, and some opponents downright
cheat.
Marion.
Or if you’re feeling generous you could play the benevolent sugar daddy and shower
your prospective conquests with expensive gifts.
Whichever method works for you the girls won’t judge, unless you say something insensitive,
or fail a challenge, or give them the wrong item.
Then ok, yeah, they’ll definitely let you know what a screw-up loser you are.
No one ever said love was easy.
Just ask Bandiger.
“Is there true love in this world?”
But to answer his question: no.
At least that’s the answer the game ultimately enforces.
Despite all the budding romances no one finds quote-unquote true love- or rather conventional
monogamous love.
Thousand Arms is completely devoid of satisfying resolutions.
Muza doesn’t get Wyna.
Lavantis doesn’t get Kyleen.
These ladies don’t get Jyabil.
Ratchet doesn’t get Schmidt.
Jeala doesn’t get Schmidt.
Schmidt doesn’t get Sodina.
Sodina doesn’t get Meis.
And poor Bandiger doesn’t get anything besides a solid ass kicking.