Gay.
Lame.
AIDS.
That's not even a game.
Hmmm.
Ride on dinosaur.
Get in space battles.
Want to play multiplayer?
You bet your ass you do.
And we got it.
Co-op!
We don't actually get any co-op.
Hell, yeah.
Well, looks like I'm getting the console version.
Hey, do you guys have any pre-owned copies
of No Man's Sky?
Hmm, it can't be that bad.
Can it?
Hell, yeah.
Oh, fuck.
I'm okay.
Ahh!
God!
God, oh God!
Shit!
Oh, my God!
Fuck!
Oh, my God!
Fuck!
Stop!
Please!
God dammit.
Wow.
Woo-hoo!
Wooooo!
Oh, look at you.
You're a cute little alien.
Life support
low.
Well, I should have enough materials now,
so let's fix some shit.
All right.
Time to get off this planet.
What the fuck?
Two hours?
What the fuck?
Two minutes?
Oh, wow!
A new planet!
What is he doing?
Phillip!
We have to stop him!
How, Deborah?
Are you seeing this shit?
He's got a ball blaster and a plasma launcher.
There's nothing we can do.
Rosalio Chron!
I'll never forget you!
Noooooo!
Yo, what the fuck is that?
Fuck this.
[scream]
[baby crying]
Your father was a good man, Rosiliat Khan.
He was procedurally generated to love you,
and so was I.
Noooo!
[whistling]
Oh, cool.
A new alien.
Oh, fuck!
Finally, a quiet, peaceful planet.
And I'm the first one here.
I discovered this.
This is my planet.
Whoa!
A brand-new species!
Wait.
Didn't I just see you?
Naw, fam.
I'm a totally original alien.
What?
Go ahead.
Scan me up, you little ass bitch.
You got any water?
What?
Well, I thought you were maybe going to, you know,
reward me.
Get the fuck-- get the fuck out of here.
What the fuck you think this is?
What the fuck do you think this is?
Get the fuck out of here, you little shit.
Get the fuck out.
Get the fuck out of here.
Get the fuck out.
Get the fuck out of here.
You're a piece of shit, you know that?
Yeah.
I know.
Aaaagh!
[snoring]
Yo, you called the right place, dog.
We're going to fuck the fuck out of this greasy,
nasty-ass pizza block you call an interstellar rocket ship.
You wanted to get your shit pimped--
I mean, thugged.
Uh, yeah.
Sure.
Wait, what?
Is my, like, ship a piece of shit or something?
Dog, is that even a question?
Like, even a serious question right now?
Look at it?
It's a disgrace to you and to me for even being near it.
I don't even want to talk to your all dumb
human ass right now.
But I'm procedurally generated.
I mean, I get paid to.
So yo, we gon' hook you up.
So we saw you, like, speeding a lot.
So we put on warp drive in your hyper drive
so you can warp while you warp, dog.
Yo, was perception.
Plus, we got a radio in there because it's fucking 3016.
You don't even have one, you dumb asshole.
Hello?
Is anybody out there?
Anyone at all?
Please, I'm so bored.
We put a freezer in there so you could put your hot
pockets and not burn your bitch-ass human-ass mouth,
you fucking human-ass ass and ass piece of ass.
Uh, yeah.
Sure.
Thanks, man.
I ain't no god damned man.
Get life, motherfucker.
I look for the right hardness of this spoon itself.
The sheen on this one is particularly lovely.
Two to three modes is desirable.
Be advised that the planet
Guiex 47283Z has been renamed to DickPoop.
Get life, motherfucker.
Oooh!
After that, stay tuned for the space weather.
In local news, solar system KQL has noticed
a particularly high number of homosexuals recently.
Up next on KPBLRZX478 ZORP we've got a hot box of
rocks as Schploop and the Meeborbs coming at you
with She Threw My Sweetie Into a Solar System.
In pursuit of suspect.
Freeze!
Bleh, bleh, bleh.
Make sure to watch out for rabid Zahorts as they come out
during the moon cycle.
Hmm!
And the word's the third moon of Zanzibar
was bought by local tyrant Zibmaddiq.
In a press report given by the emperor of space,
he said, "I think space immigrants will love me.
I'm sure they do." The space pope recently
declared that today will be a national space holiday,
so whatever day it is is now a national space holiday.
Are you fucking kidding me, again?
Well, hey.
Hey, what the fuck?
Wait, wait, wait.
Is this real?
This is really happening?
I'm about to fucking dog fight this bitch?
I've got you now, you fuck.
What the fuck?
That's it?
Oh, hey, pal.
Back so soon.
What's wrong?
Didn't like your game?
Well, it's too bad, bro-chacho.
What the fuck is this?
This is not the same game I saw for the trailer on Steamer.
Where's the flea battles?
Where are the giant sand monsters?
Why can't I fuck a dinosaur?
Where's the god damned co-op?
Whoa, easy, kid.
You haven't even go the DLC.
DLC?
It can't be that bad.
Can it?
[cackling]
All right.
What the fuck am I looking for?
Holy shit!
Finally, an exciting intergalactic element
that doesn't seem like a tired re-hash.