Okay, today we'll look at
a common struggle between men and women.
Why women want men to be vulnerable,
but then they get turned off when they are.
Women say they want their men to open up,
share their thoughts and feelings,
ask for help and be vulnerable.
However, often when a man
does let his guard down in any of these areas
the woman becomes agitated, cold, aloof
sexually unresponsive, bossy, or even mean.
No wonder men and women are confused
by each other's behaviors.
Why on earth
does a woman say she wants something
and then react in such an unloving
way when she gets it.
Well, believe it or not there's a logical explanation
men will understand.
It will be helpful to start with a typical situation
exemplifying this misunderstanding
as was written in the comments of
my attachment video, which I'll link at the end.
If you're new to my channel I help men
decode women so you can find, attract, and keep
your keeper or simply have better
relationships with women by learning
to understand them better.
Welcome to just the tip.
So, I'm going to read the comment
and then I'm going to provide some general
information on strong versus weak vulnerability
then see how that information applies
to this fellow's situation
see if you
can spot the couple's misunderstanding about each other.
So, he writes
so, my issue is that I struggle to discuss my
problems and weaknesses with her.
I fear that women generally prefer strong men,
and I worry that opening up about my vulnerabilities
would make me seem unattractive to her.
However, she frequently talks about her own
problems and urges me to do the same.
A few days ago,
she expressed frustration
that I was unwilling to admit my problems
or accept help.
I maintained my silence,
stating that I preferred to handle my own issues
on my own because I felt
she already had enough to deal with.
In response, she commented that facing one's
problems is a sign of maturity
implying that I was immature
for not doing so.
I countered by explaining that not burdening
other's with my problems, didn't mean
I wasn't aware of them.
Since then we haven't spoken for three days.
This isn't common she often
enters periods of silence without explanation.
When we eventually do resume communication,
she typically cites something I have said or done
or sometimes, what I haven't done
as the reason for her silence.
In situations like these
I'm unsure how to proceed
I feel like we both are fearful-avoidant type.
Should I simply initiate a conversation
and break the silence?
I worry that doing so might make me
appear weak and reinforce the idea
that I'll always come back and she will not
respect me.
Okay, I know a lot of you are empathizing with
one or the other's perspective
and truth both deserve empathy
this isn't a case of not understanding
what their partner truly needs
and in this case specifically for him
how to express his vulnerability
without turning her off.
His concern is legit
unless she's naturally dominant
or emotionally unhealthy,
which are two different things by the way.
Most women do get turned off
when a man expresses weak vulnerability,
it is also that women crave and respect
strong vulnerability.
Essentially women experience
strong vulnerability in men
as vulnerability that comes from a place of
love and compassion or
courage and accountability.
On the other hand,
women experience weak vulnerability in men
as coming from a place of hate and resentment
or fear and dependency
and while women get away with
a wider range of vulnerabilities
most women prefer a woman who is also
courageous and self-accountable
now I have published other videos
diving deeper into the differences between
strong and weak
vulnerabilities in men with examples
and I will link those videos
at the end for those who are interested.
If you have watched my videos for a while
you have heard me say
mother mode suppresses lover mode
what that means is, if a woman
feels like she has to take care of you
like a dependent child
she will switch into caregiver mode
and out of intimate partner mode
no sex for you.
Some women can handle this for periods of time
and some can't.
But, the longer you linger
in what she experiences
as dependency mode
also known as weak vulnerability
the longer it takes to get back to
lover mode and at some point
she may assume the flame has fizzled
for good.
If she goes into mummy mode
she'll often embody that role fully
and you will experience her as agitated,
bossy or controlling.
Key point, most of the time
when a woman is asking you what's bothering you
the most important metric
she's subconsciously looking for
is whether or not you are handling
what's bothering you in a proactive way.
She's interested
in how your troubles affect you
because she cares about you
and she's concerned
about how your troubles affect her
and her role with you
her concern is also legit.
Caution, if you won't or can't tell her what's wrong
you're also not telling her how you're handling
what's wrong
leaving her to honk at you
and fill in the blanks with all kinds of
worst-case scenarios because she needs
to ready herself for what must be
imminent danger.
Unlike men, many women find
relief in talking about their problems
so, when a man doesn't share what's
worrying him, she unconsciously
assumes it must be a much bigger threat
your and therefore her
physical or psychological safety
what's women's primary need?
Right, safety and security
meanwhile, men solve most
minor problems by vacillating between
pondering them internally and
doing activities that give them a break
from pondering to find solutions
to allow them to marinate.
Unless the problem is Armageddon size,
most men solve problems Han Solo
if the woman pulls away as opposed to
going into bossy mother-mode
it may be for the same reason
she's scared, she needs to sort through
her thoughts and feelings
about your unknown thoughts and feelings.
She may also feel like you don't
trust her with your most vulnerable feelings
and needs to balance that
distance she assumes that you're placing
between the two of you.
So, you think you're protecting her from
unwanted worry and she feels
more worried that you worried that you won't open up to her.
So, what's the solution?
I'm glad you asked
while men and women do have many of
the same emotional and physical needs in
relationships, there are some differences.
Understanding your different needs,
is a first step to avoiding unnecessary
strife in relationships.
Need a quieter location
less wind, less sun, less people, less noise.
Okay, so now that you understand
some of these difference
now let's go back to the key points of the situation
and examine what might be happening.
So, he was struggling to discuss his problems
and weaknesses with her
and feared that basically women
prefer strong men,
he worried about opening up about his vulnerabilities
and that that would be unattractive to her,
but she frequently talked about her own problems
and was urging him to do the same.
Well, obviously now hopefully, you can see
why he's naturally resistant to opening up
and why she thinks
he should be like her, basically like a woman
and talk about his problems.
Then he went on to talk about how she
expressed her frustration,
that he wasn't willing to open up about his problems and accept help
and he maintained his silence
stating that he preferred to handle his own problems and issues
and she felt like
if he wasn't willing to talk about it he wasn't actually dealing with it
and basically
kind of insinuated that not talking about it was a sign of immaturity.
So, he explained that
he didn't want to burden her with his problems
and it didn't make
make it that he wasn't unaware of them.
So, remember the first step for women handling problems
is usually to talk about it,
so she assumes if he isn't talking about his problem
he's also not dealing with it,
which if true, would be immature.
Now, in this case saying you're aware of
your problem is not the same as actually being proactive
about fixing it.
However, it may take some time
and mulling it over before he finds a solution.
Women need to understand
men want to fix their own problems
if it's not Armageddon size
men don't feel masculine
if they need to ask for help.
Key point, if a woman pushes mother mode on a man
she can push him right into child mode,
his masculine strength and her feminine gentleness
are both suppressed and neither of them
enjoy the roles they have found themselves in.
A woman feels emotionally safer
knowing some information
about the situation or problem
and that he is being proactive
about finding a solution.
She'll feel more assured or re-assured
knowing he'll ask for help if needed.
Now, ladies must trust that he will figure it out
or come to her if needed
do not hound or belittle a man
or provide unsolicited advice
or with-hold tenderness.
So, remember he went on to say that it's not uncommon
and goes through periods of silence without explanation.
and when they eventually do resume communication
she typically sites something that he's said or done
or sometimes what he hasn't done
as the reason for her silence.
So now, you understand that this could be
due to misunderstandings you've just learned about
with how the situation is handled
because of attachment styles
or because one or both
has an extreme personality disorder
that you can't fix,
which doesn't seem to be the case in this situation.
In this case, these guys really need to talk about it
and you might want to watch my love sammich
video for how to handle difficult conversations
and conflict with an angry woman.
Who hasn't encountered that?
So, he goes on to say that he's not sure how to
proceed and he feels like they maybe both fearful avoidance
and should he simply initiate a conversation
and break the silence.
He's worried that doing so might make him appear
be more weak and reinforce that kind of idea.
So, understanding each other's attachment styles
can help deal with conflict
while I have said in
many videos not to reward bad behavior
we also need to have empathy and appreciate
that no one is perfect.
None of us have been taught how to do relationships.
If there are not tonnes of major red flags
that indicate a serious personality disorder
like narcism or BPD or a bunch of other ones,
well, then coming from a place of love, compassion,
courage, and accountability
is the strong vulnerability she needs
and it's okay to say, I think I understand
why you need space right now.
When you're ready sit down and have a conversation
I want us to find
better ways to be closer
and trust each other more,
I want you to feel safe with me.
Now, after all isn't that what you would want too.
Okay, so super windy outside
so here we are
be sure to watch my other videos on
mastering masculine vulnerability when you get a chance.
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Also, if you have a personal situation
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Thank you so much for watching
all the way to the end.
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and for simply being here
as a part of the wingmam fam
lots of love from my heart to yours, God bless.