Folks, I have a feeling that this is gonna be
a pretty lengthy video
because today I'm gonna be breaking down
the art of conversation according to my head.
It's evident that many of us are struggling
with talking to people.
Just from the sheer amount of views
that my previous video got on talking to people,
a lot of us are struggling with this.
So, today I'm be sharing with you guys
some things that have helped my mindset,
so that I'm more comfortable talking to anyone that I meet.
So, before we get into all the tips and tricks,
we have to establish a good foundation first.
I got to talk about the golden mindset I have
before I enter any conversation
or any social activity that I do.
To quote Eckhart Tolle,
"You are neither inferior nor superior to anyone."
So, in other words, no one is above you,
no one is below you.
Every person that you meet is on an equal playing field.
And I know it's like something that we subconsciously do
where we like size ourselves up
with the people that we meet,
but if we don't keep this in check,
we're gonna either end up with an inferiority complex
or a superiority complex.
An inferiority complex is essentially
when you feel like someone is better than you.
And inferiority comes in all different types of flavors.
It could be someone who's more successful than you,
someone's older than you, someone who's more beautiful,
more followers, more intelligent.
When you feel less than and when you're feeling insecure
and you're feeling intimidated,
you are not allowing your true self to shine.
You're not giving yourself a fair chance
to have people get to know who you truly are.
And a superiority complex
is when you feel like you are better than
or more elevated than someone.
It's an assumption that just because you're further along
a certain path in your life
or more knowledgeable about a certain topic,
you feel like you can just dominate someone.
You can come off smug, arrogant, condescending.
And again, you're not giving people a fair shot
to get to know who you are
because you have this inflated sense of self.
And there's an argument to be made
that those with a superiority complex
are just struggling with their inferiority complex.
It really is like a balancing act.
So, bottom line, recognize that no one is higher than you,
no one is below you.
And when you channel this energy,
you give off grounded, calm.
Like, I know myself energy.
And ultimately, that's the kind of vibes
that I'm looking for,
and that's the kind of vibes that people are drawn to.
And one huge way that I'm able to be more attuned
with myself is through therapy.
This is also what I wanna take a quick minute
to thank BetterHelp for sponsoring this video.
Therapy is the biggest contributor
to the development of my self growth, my confidence.
I only see a net positive on going to therapy,
whether you're going through,
like, an objectively difficult time,
or if you just want to take a beat to reflect
on what's happening with your life.
So, BetterHelp connects you
to a licensed professional therapist
that's not only trained to listen,
but to give unbiased advice.
You can get started by going on my link BetterHelp.com/jenn.
There are over 4 million people
who have spent and devoted time
to getting to know themselves so much better.
And I know getting started with anything can feel daunting,
especially with therapy.
You might be worrying about finding a therapist
who's the right fit,
or you're like intimidated with face-to-face interaction.
But through BetterHelp,
they can help find a good match for you.
They have over 30,000 therapists
that range from a broad expertise
that might not be available in your area.
Getting started is super simple.
You just fill out a questionnaire that assesses your needs
and then you're matched with your therapist
in 48 hours or less.
I just love the accessibility of this
because you get to schedule a time that works for you
and then you decide whether you want a video call,
a phone call, or even text messaging.
Like, it really caters to your comfort level.
Of course, if you're not vibing with your therapist,
BetterHelp allows you to switch to a new one
at no additional cost.
There's no need to worry about,
like, insurance, or whether someone's in your network,
or anything like that.
It's just like funny how no one bats an eye
when we spend like hours of our time devoted
to our physical health,
when it's just as important
to carve out time focusing on our mental health.
So, if you're interested in trying therapy out for yourself,
click the link in the description box,
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H-E-L-P.com/jenn for 10% off your first month.
Clicking that link help support this channel
and allows you to explore your inner mind
with a help of a licensed therapist.
Next up, let's go over some prep work.
So, this is kind of like a subconscious checklist
that I have in my mind before I enter a conversation.
First, I reflect on the things
that are going on with my life because chances are,
when you talk to someone,
you're gonna receive the questions,
like, how are you, how was your week,
what's been happening, what's new?
And in the past I would find myself like mildly irritated
with these questions because I was like,
"I hate small talk."
And sometimes my mind would just go blank.
But then I realized that it was up to me
to do some reflection beforehand so I had something to say.
So, before you go out, ask yourself these questions,
how are you?
Like, how are you really?
What happened during the week?
This is where my journal and my calendar come in,
like, come in so clutch
because it's like a running inventory of the things I did,
the ideas that I had, the things that I learned.
And so, I select maybe three or four items on that list
and I just keep them stored in my mind,
so that way I am not flustered
when someone asks me just a very simple question.
And these highlights can look like anything.
It could be something that I learned in a podcast or a book.
It could be like, did I come back from a trip?
Did I add a new regimen to my life?
Was there something amusing that happened this week?
Or did I have an aha moment?
And so, yeah, I just gather these things,
so that way I am prepared.
And if you struggle with this and you don't journal,
I highly recommend just trying out the activity
of Morning Pages.
This is when you get a notebook, big or small,
and you fill out three pages every day.
It doesn't need to be in the morning.
But ever since I started this practice during lockdown,
it has really helped me retain the information
and the events that are happening in my life.
And in these pages I would write about anything.
It could be about my day, a conversation that I had,
like a summary of an article that I read,
like from news, health, science, tech, like, anything.
I just put it all on that page
and it just helps me create topics that I'm interested in.
And the thing is,
the more subjects that you are curious about,
the more range of topics
that you can discuss with other people.
I feel like I should give like an example.
So, if someone asks me,
"Hey, Jenn, how are you?"
I'll be fairly honest, I'll be like,
if I'm having a good week, I'll be like,
"Oh, I've been pretty good, I've been grounded, stable,
just been, like, been in a good season in my life.
I think it's because I've been getting,
like a large amount of sleep.
Like, I really cleaned up my sleep hygiene routine.
I read that book, "Why We Sleep" by Matthew Walker
and it has just changed my life.
Boom, instantly it gives
the other person something to work with.
You have sleeping, which is an activity that all of us do.
You can ask about their sleeping routine,
if they struggle, or if they also have read that book,
or if they read another book.
So, it's the small talk
is really just the foreplay of conversation.
And from that, it splinters off
to a bunch of different topics.
But honestly, sometimes I'll like have three
or four highlights in my head and never bring them up
because the conversation is just flowing naturally.
This is just like a mechanism or a tool that I use
to keep any anxious thoughts at bay
because I know I'm prepared.
So, now, I'm going to attempt
on dissecting what conversation feels like for me.
So, when I'm in a conversation,
I imagine myself as an ice picker
and I imagine the person that I'm speaking to
as a mountain of snow.
Each question I ask that person
is like me ice picking off that mountain.
Sometimes a little speck will come out
or a chunk of snow will come out.
And sometimes if I'm at a really good flow
then an avalanche comes
and the snow is the information that you receive.
If someone is significant to me
and I wanna remember what they say,
that's me essentially making an effort to gather the snow,
AKA, the information that they told me,
that requires me to remember what they said
in my heart and my head.
And as you collect more snow,
it becomes into a small snowball,
and those are your acquaintances.
And as you pick and gather more snow,
it gets bigger and bigger.
And those larger snowballs, those are your friends.
And as you continue to pick and roll the snow,
the snowballs become very large.
And the big ones, those are your best friends.
I really like this analogy
when it comes to like friendships and conversation
because it shows like the fluidity of everything.
And if you leave something a little bit too long,
it can end up melting.
And for some people, it can melt faster, others...
It's, you are just in Antarctica
and it does not want to melt.
I just wanted to say that analogy to set the stage
on talking to different categories of people.
Let's begin with talking with strangers
because oddly enough I find this category the most exciting
because you don't know anything about this person,
they don't know anything about you.
It's a fresh start.
And so, I am just excited to get on that mountain
and see what comes out when I start picking.
I also think I get this thrill
because there's like this mysterious element,
like I truly believe that there is something to learn
from everyone that we meet in our lives.
And that really, really excites me.
So, when I enter a conversation,
I think it's like my job to find something in common
and find a connection.
So, when I wanna talk to a stranger that I've never met,
my go-to icebreaker is just to make an observation
in the environment that we're currently in
because automatically that's something in common.
So, if we're at a bar, I'll be like,
"Oh, wow, this menu's pretty overwhelming.
What'd you get?"
If I'm at a show, "Ah, I love this song.
Have you seen this band before?"
If they're wearing a cool accessory, "I love your earrings."
Are they vintage?"
And the easiest one is if you're at a party
and you know someone mutual, then you say,
"Oh, so how do you know Veronica?"
I can go on and on,
but I feel like this icebreaker is,
honestly, just to test the waters
to see if there's a vibe or not.
And the worst thing that can happen is they respond to you
and they leave and then you didn't lose anything anyway.
Like, you are probably never
gonna see this person in your life.
It's not like you lost someone, like, crucial in your life.
Like, you're exactly where you left off
and you got some more practice with your small talk.
Mm-hmm, because it's 100% a muscle.
Talking to people is nothing but a muscle.
The more you do it, the better at it you become.
However, if the person is engaged and is amused,
then that's when you can like start asking questions
and start picking the mountain.
Everything that they say is an opportunity
for a new topic that can be splintered.
Pro tip is to ask questions
that you are genuinely curious about
because when you have that authentic buzz of like,
oh, I really wanna know,
that enthusiasm permeates the energy
and it's like infectious.
So, again, this is where like prep work
and checking in with yourself is really important
because then you kind of already know
some topics that you're into.
Discovering topics that you're really interested in,
really helps.
So, then, you kind of like buckets of categories
that you feel comfortable talking about.
So, for me, I love talking about love, relationships,
film, food, restaurants, tech, music, shows,
current affairs, memes, books.
And the more pillars that you have,
the easier it is to connect.
So, it's like doubtful that I'd bring up topics
like quantum physics or sailing
because I don't know anything about them.
But the thing is I'm very open
and eager for people to talk about
whatever they wanna talk about as well.
Like, for example, like I met someone's dad
and he was like a rheumatologist
and so we're just talking about like health
and like studies that he found
and what his patients are like.
But the thing is with these questions,
you want it to have a good flow.
Like, if you ask a question, give it some space.
Like, see where it wanders, see where it splinters.
Like, just random questions like,
what kind of animal would you be?
Like, it can feel forced and trite.
I would always start off with broad strokes first,
like, how was your week?
How was your day?
If you're at a party, where are you coming from?
Opens up the door for the next topic.
So, if I ask someone, how was your day?
And they respond by saying,
"Oh, my day was good, work was a little stressful,
my commute is like pretty long."
Oh, it was, like, how long is your commute?
An hour?
So, are you more of like a music
or a podcast person while driving?
And loop, you have an in.
Suddenly, you can talk about records they're listening to,
or podcast they're listening to.
Remember in conversation, if someone is not opening up,
it is up to you to set the stage by opening up first.
And of course, conversation is always a two-way street,
so if they wanna talk about crafting, for example.
Like, I personally don't craft,
but I will try and find something
that I am curious about it.
So, I'll ask them,
oh, how'd you get started with crafting?
What's the last thing that you created?
What's your process?
How long does it take
for you to complete something like that?
I think what really helps conversation flow
is when I am just giving them my full complete focus.
I'm not looking around at the party,
I'm not trying to think about something wise,
or like, come up with an obscure reference or whatever.
Like, I am truly just listening to them.
And when I trust that my brain
is gonna come up with an appropriate response,
it usually does.
Because when you're trying to think
of the best thing to say, that's your perfectionist showing.
Ultimately, no one really cares about like a quote from,
I don't know, Kurt Vonnegut.
People just want to feel heard and to be seen.
So, when I don't really know what to say,
when someone says something to me,
the best thing I do is I just paraphrase what they said
and that's enough.
Like, it makes people feel like they've been heard.
And ultimately, that's what many people want
in a conversation.
Trust me, like, all of this is trial and error.
And there have been a lot of conversations
that I've been in where I literally just crashed
and burden just made it a complete idiot out of myself.
But the thing is I didn't die,
it just made me into a better conversationalist
'cause I was like, maybe I just shouldn't say that.
So, now, let's move on to acquaintances.
I think that this category is arguably the most difficult
because acquaintances are not strangers
and they're not friends.
And I used to get really in my head
about certain acquaintances
because I would forget everything
that we talked about in the past
and it was really embarrassing.
I was not collecting the snow, if you will.
So, let's say there's an acquaintance where I'm like,
I don't remember anything about this person.
It's fine, just go back to the stranger's equation.
Start with the small talk.
Like, pretend that it's just like a brand new mountain.
When I believe that there's a fresh start,
I am just inherently better at it
because I feel like I get to start again.
But chances are with most acquaintances,
I know at least, like, two or three facts about them
in my Rolodex of information.
Is this person in a relationship?
Is this person single?
Is this person in school?
Do they have any siblings?
Each one of these questions
can branch out into a different topic.
So, if they're in a relationship,
ask them how their partner are doing.
Like, how did their partner and them meet?
If they're single, ask them the last bad date they went on.
If they're in school,
ask them about a project they're working on.
If they have any siblings,
ask them if they're like younger or older
and if that, like, birthplace had any effect
on their sense of development.
I don't know, these are questions
that I personally would like receiving,
so that's why I ask them to other people.
If you and an acquaintance
are following each other on social media,
that's also a really easy icebreaker
because you can like look at their stories
and ask them about that cafe they went to,
or that restaurant, or how their trip was.
This is all a form of ice picking
and letting that snow fall.
If a conversation continues to be clunky
and it is not serving anyone, you have every right to leave.
My favorite line is, ah, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
I'll see you in a bit.
Chemistry is seriously a thing,
not only in romantic relationships,
but in friendships as well.
If there is no chemistry, like, friendship chemistry,
then it's fine to acquaintance-zone people.
And it is fine if people acquaintance-zone me.
Acquaintances are great
because it's so nice to see familiar faces in spaces
and you might end up having like a cute conversation.
Also, acquaintances are one of the best ways
to meet more people because acquaintances
and friends introduce you to strangers.
So, it's just like this cycle that keeps on going.
And finally, we have the friend category.
To be honest, I don't really have too much prepare
on this section because friends are the ones
where you have already done the hard work.
Like, you've already established a foundation,
you've done a lot of ice picking,
you know the mountain really well.
You know if you pick here, chunks of snow will come out.
You know if you pick there,
just maybe a little will come out.
But the fact is, with your friends,
conversation should feel natural, intuitive,
easy, ambling, fun, lively.
Like, this is why they're your friends.
And each friend has like a different character profile.
There are some friends where you just speak mostly about,
I don't know, like, light stuff or there's like stuff,
friends that you go to parties with,
friends that you work out with,
friends that you just spill all your guts with,
friends that you just lay and do nothing with,
and your best friends are the ones
that tick a lot of those boxes.
All right guys, I feel like the sun
is totally cutting me off here,
but I think it's a good time to wrap this video up.
I hope watching this helped you get a little,
like, less out of your head on talking to people.
I hope you guys talk to at least five strangers
in the next month.
And I'll see you guys in the next one, bye.
(relaxing music)