Coach Mike Bayer is with us.
Coach Mike is the author of the New York Times
bestselling book, "Best Self, Be You, Only Better."
Now, Coach Mike is, as the name applies, a life coach.
A lot of people declare themselves to be a life coach
just because they say, I'm a life coach.
And then there are people that have credentials
and training and experience and real depth and breadth
of work with all kinds of people.
And the difference between a life coach and a therapist
is a life coach assumes that's there's not necessarily
mental illness involved.
They just assume that there
are nonproductive behavioral patterns,
a lack of things that need to be done,
the presence of things that need to not be done.
And so I've asked him to look at this situation with me.
Now, clearly, she's not being her best self here.
We know that.
I think you would agree with that.
She's not being her best self here.
And I'm not asking you to pick sides here.
But if this relationship is going to heal
between these two, does she need to keep doing
what she's doing, or does she need
to do something differently, behaviorally?
From the scale, the one to 10,
10 being you are so coachable,
and one being not coachable at all,
how would you rate yourself?
Five.
Okay, so you're coachable.
And would you agree that what you're doing right now
is not getting the response you want?
No, it isn't.
It's not.
But it's not my first attempt.
I've tried three other avenues.
But it's not working.
None of them have worked.
Okay, and even if you're right,
the reaction you're getting is wrong.
Right.
And what you're getting in your life is wrong.
The rest of my life is fine,
just this relationship. Okay.
And if you're wrong about this situation,
the reaction that you're getting is wrong.
Right now, yes.
Okay, so in this-- Now, hold on.
Did you hear what he just said?
'Cause he said, if you're right,
the way you're handling it is wrong.
If you're wrong, the way you're handling it is wrong.
So either way, you're wrong.
I'm wrong about how I'm handling it.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
That's why I'm here. Okay--
I need your tools. Okay, but that's
what I'm saying.
He's saying, if you're right,
if this guy's like evil incarnate,
the way you're handling it is wrong.
Even if you're right that he's horrible,
the way you're handling it is wrong.
And if you're wrong, that he's not evil incarnate,
the way you're handling is wrong.
So either way, whether you're right or wrong,
the way you're handling this is wrong.
That's your point.
That is my point. Right?
She's wrong.
So we have to handle things differently.
If you wanna get a different response, you have to change.
So, Dr. Phil, I think we need to come up
with some solutions.
Well, let's decide first, do you want a relationship
with your daughter?
Yes.
Not qualified, just do you want a relationship
with your daughter? Yes.
You want a relationship
with your sister? Yes.
If she has made a bad decision here
and she's going to scrape her knee,
then you need to let her scrape your knee, right?
That's your point.
You can't do anything about it anyway.
She's an adult, so you're no longer a controller.
If she was 15 or 14, then you have the power to control.
But once she's an adult,
all you can do is influence and inspire.
I tried that, it didn't work.
Listen, don't be one of those yeah, but know-it-alls.
'Cause no matter what anybody says,
yeah, but I did that, yeah but I did that,
yeah, but I did that, yeah, but, yeah, but, yeah, but,
yeah, but, yeah, but, yeah, but, yeah, but.
You're a yeah, but.
Don't be a yeah, but 'cause there are things
you haven't tried.
It's possible that we can give you some new tools
or teach you how to use tools
you may have tried before a different way
to get a different result.
But we have to decide, you do want a relationship
with your daughter.
Yes.
And if it was healthy,
you would like them back in your life, right?
I would love that.
Okay, so you want it.
And you want your sister back in your life, right?
Yes.
Your enthusiasm was underwhelming, but.
I mean, really. I have some issues.
Of course, but they're not anything
that can't be solved.
That's right.
Come on.
Yes, I agree.