Joe there's a new term out here
that we're going to discuss
today called toxic positivity.
And you and I have been around
well you longer than me. But
we've both been around in the
psychology space long enough to
kind of see words like this and
think, what had they decided to
what, what new thing is an old
thing that they've given a new
name to?
That's that's pretty much it. So
our team actually pointed this
article out to me today, it's
this article titled seven ways
toxic positivity can destroy
positivity can destroy a
relationship, oh, this should be
great.
Basically, what it says is that
toxic positivity is the belief
that no matter how dire or
difficult a situation, that
someone must maintain a blindly
positive mindset that keeps them
from truly seeing things the way
that they are. And then it goes
on to talk about the the
symptoms of toxic positivity,
that you hide your true feelings
out of fear of what other people
may think you ignore emotions
that feel overwhelming to get on
with life, you minimize any
discomfort, in order or with
good feel, or feel good sayings
and buzzwords and validate your
own and others emotions with
reminders that things could be
worse, feel ashamed about your
negative feelings. So you try
and just push them down and keep
a smile on your face or shaming
other people when they are
expressing negative emotions.
This is the definition of this
toxic positivity. You're just
hearing this for the first time.
Yeah, but the last one is the
only one that I would absolutely
agree with, about shaming other
people. Because there are times
when you really shouldn't be
pushing down your negative
emotions because something needs
to be done. And if you let the
negativity take over, you won't
do anything at all. Since since
you were little, just a child in
my mind, you will always be my
little childhood when you were
little. Your immorally teach you
that if you're in a situation
where something has to be done,
don't have time
to bad or scared, get mad and do
something about it. Then
later. Yeah, you can get sad or
scared. But if you're to begin
with, then things are gonna get
out of hand. Yeah, yeah. So what
I hear them saying is, okay,
well, what if people just never
do face the reality of it? Of
course, I would agree with that.
We tell people all the time, if
you're not going to face
reality, you're going to live in
denial, you're going to wind up
in a mess, because denying
reality doesn't change reality.
So some of those things, I would
say no, sometimes you do need to
hold that down for a while. But
yes, should you have the ability
to express what you feel? Should
you be able to engage what you
feel. But you and I both know,
sometimes people don't even know
how to touch in them in their
own selves? What they feel?
Yeah. Because if you ask them,
What are you feeling? What do
they say?
I don't know.
Well, do they? Are they just
pushing it down? Or do they
really not know?
Well, I think I think many times
when people say they don't know,
they don't allow themselves to
feel it, whether they've pushed
it down, whether they're
intentionally keeping it
separate. You know, I think it
kind of comes to semantics. But
here's what I thought of when I
heard and read this article,
which was about 30 minutes ago.
It sounds like a defense
mechanism. Right?
In the sense,
in the sense of, if I, if I feel
like I can't deal with my
emotions right now, because
they're too much, they would be
too overwhelming, then my
defense mechanism is going to be
pushed them down, I think about
when we first brought our
daughter home from India, and
she would fall and hurt herself
and was clearly hurting, like
she was clearly in pain. But
there was a fear of crying.
There was this fear of I can't
show you my real emotions,
because I don't know if I'm
going to be accepted if I do so.
So I'm just going to smile. So
she would just smile, try and
like laugh her way through it.
And it was this, it was a way
for her to try and deal with the
environment. She was in in the
best way that she knew how with
the tools she had
at the time with what she
thought could be the potential
reaction from what the
what she got. Yeah, sure. And so
we don't know, you know, how she
was treated at the orphanage or
anything like that. But I have a
issue with the term toxic
positivity. Because this seems
like it is labeling the other
person in a very negative way.
Like they have a negative
intention with what they're
trying to do their best with in
the moment.
And again, before we totally
leave it, sometimes people are
being positive because they
don't know exactly what it is
they're feeling. And so if I
don't know how to represent you
what's going on inside of me,
I've got a couple of choices.
One is to be totally neutral, or
the other is to be totally
negative or the other totally
positive. And I would think in
most situations, if you're not
sure what you're feeling
positivity probably comes up
better than negativity, wouldn't
you think?
Yeah, I mean, I'm quickly trying
to go through anything I can
think of most of the time, a
positive response is going to
work more in your favor than a
negative one. Right.
But like Eliana when she was
first hear from the from India,
like if I cry, maybe they won't
like me if I cry, maybe they
don't want to keep me if I cry
maybe maybe they want to see me
back. And that kind of fear, we
both know that we encourage
everybody, as best you can
examine what's inside of you,
you have to have a safe place to
let it out. But even then, it
has to be a safe place. Yeah.
Because if I'm having negative
feelings, fear, for example, and
I tell it to the wrong person,
it actually can be used against
me. And so maybe on those
occasions, neutrality sounds
better, or even not a false
positive way of doing it. But at
least not indicating the fear,
because the fear will be used
against me, or the anxiety will
be used against me, because
there are people in the world
and if they can see those
negative emotions will take
advantage of it. Yeah. And they
will use you are hurt you more.
You know, the old thing we used
to kid around when a man's down
kicking, so he can learn to rise
above it. That's not my
philosophy. By the way. That's
an old saying that was supposed
to be funny. But it wasn't
funny, because of the fact that
I'm just going to make it worse.
And yet there are people in the
world who will do that I have
witnessed, let's say it's a
husband, who finally opens up
and shows his emotion, and maybe
his emotion is sadness, or maybe
his emotion is fear. And I have
actually witnessed wives when
they see that not knowing quite
how to react to that, because
they hadn't seen it before. And
they didn't know how to handle
it, because it was a new
experience. Attack. I thought
you were a man, why are you
crying? I thought you were the
person that I was going to
depend on. You're the strong
person and why are you? And so I
would always say if you're going
to express what you really feel,
you might want to check the
environment you're in the people
you're around. I think it's
there's a proverb in the Old
Testament. Actually, I can't
quote it exactly. But the
paraphrase is, even though only
a fool speaks his whole heart.
What do you think about that,
that we can teach the people to
be toxic ly positive. If we want
to use that word, and for people
listening on the podcast, I'm
using parentheses around those
words. Just like we can teach
people to lie, just like we can
teach people in our reaction to
them, if they begin to realize
this isn't a safe place, then
they're not going to deal with
the real issues, they're not
going to bring up their fears or
worries, they are likely to put
on this face, or put up a
defense mechanism just to get
through. And so it's not always
the person's, it's
always a bad thing, either.
Sometimes, it's what you need to
do right now to get through to
get past. And it doesn't mean
that you're lying. It just means
you're not making yourself more
vulnerable at the moment. I
wouldn't call that toxic. I'm
assuming they're talking about
somebody who never ever accesses
their own emotions, and pretends
about everything. Yeah, I don't
want to call it toxic.
And they may be but here's the
thing, how many people? Is that
actually describing that
actually go through life? Never
looking at the negative, always
being positive, putting on a
smile, never, you know, just
sweeping everything under the
rug and not dealing with
reality? How many people? are we
actually talking about to do
that? What do you think?
Of course, I don't know of any
research on it.
I don't either for I
have no. And that's thing.
This is not a research. This is
like this is not a psychological
term that we're reasonably
opinion
of it yet, for sure. Sounds to
me, like it's written by
somebody who finds themselves
more than negative territory,
and therefore get offended when
other people are in the positive
territory and therefore start
making judgments about that
positivity. Well, that's not
what you really feel you're
pretending you're acting you.
You feel shame, whatever else it
might be. Do you think that's
possibility that that might be
where this label would come
from?
Perhaps, but my concern is, so
you're taking something that
actually the majority of people
to this level are probably not
actually dealing with. But many
people are dealing with it as a
way to cope a way to handle a
way to XYZ. But now you're
putting a negative label on it.
And here's what we do know from
the psychology. When I begin to
see you as sick, or you you Joe,
you're just talking you're toxic
in your positivity. Then
everything I see is going to go
through that filter. And I'm
going to begin to further the
blame. And then you're the
problem. You're the problem when
in reality, I could be changing
the things I'm doing to help
facilitate It's a safer place
for you to be vulnerable. But
that's not what this
term June I'm more familiar with
that had been in psychology and
sociology for many, many years,
not just some new fancy way to
say something old. We know about
negative effect and positive
effect effect. But if it if it
helped me, affect ECP cold
outside my tongue quit working.
So positive an effect and
negative effect negative effect
basically says that because I
view you negatively, I view
everything about you negatively.
If you say good morning, I
wonder what your ulterior motive
is. positive effect is, I tend
to see everything about you
positively. So even if you do
something stupid, I tend to
excuse it, because I feel good
about you. And so what you were
just saying is have a negative
effect toward the other person,
then I'm really prone to grab
labels, and put them on there,
because that justifies the
negative emotions I have about
you anyway. So if I can call you
a narcissist or toxic positivity
or whatever else, it justifies
my thinking negatively about you
in my mind. But what we're
saying is, it doesn't do it in
reality, at least it shouldn't
do it in reality, right?
Because that's not what's going
to heal the situation or make
anything better, continuing to
blame someone is going to
continue this cycle of pushing
them away and not having a
healthy relationship.
The Saturday the weekend before
we actually filmed this. I was
doing another workshop with
quite a few couples in there i
three day intensive workshop for
couples in crisis. And again,
like I do in every single
workshop that I lead, and I'm
sure the other leaders hear it
as well. Somebody is usually a
wife, but it could be the
husband, but somebody will say,
Well, my counselor said that my
husband is a narcissist, or
could be my counselor said my
wife is a narcissist. I heard it
again this weekend, like I hear
every single time. And I always
ask, how many visits did your
counselor have with your spouse
before making that label? Will
my spouse has not been met by my
therapist. So even without
seeing that person just going on
whatever you said they had made
a diagnosis of narcissism, to
which I always say the same
single word response. Ryan, find
somebody who is professional,
find somebody who's ethical,
because it's the same thing,
right? So ultimately, what
should we be saying about
labeling that we really want
people to hear? Don't
do it ever. Unless you know that
it's truly what it is, I mean,
think about how many tests that
a good doctor is going to run on
someone before they give a
diagnosis. They want to make
sure they're right, before they
begin treatment, and then
labeling is great because you
have certainty of what you're
dealing with. And then you can
make a proper plan to move
forward with it. So in that kind
of situation, yes. This is a
little bit different. It's, I
think, it's a little bit harder
to get 100%. Right on, on what
just one of the problems is
because in the line of work we
do we know that there's
typically several things that
are happening as symptoms, but
there's typically only a few,
maybe even one, sometimes core
issues. So labeling that was
your question Should you label,
if the labeling of something is
helpful in actually getting you
to move toward fixing it?
Sure, then try to make the
labels, not, quote, toxic, and
quote,
write something that's gonna
make the eat. I mean, that was
even a big thing, when I was
going through my master's and
family therapy training was even
how we talk to a client who is
experiencing depressive
depression, you do not call them
depressed, because because then
you are labeling them. And that
is how they are going to see
themselves and it will
perpetuate the issue.
So if a wife were to say my
husband is forgetful, that's
kind of a mild thing, it's
probably it's the kind of thing
you actually could do something
about? Well, because I'm always
forgetful. Let's hang the keys
right next to the door, so we
can always find them. But
saying, your positivity is
toxic. Maybe we can summarize it
this way. Sometimes, it's okay
not to show the other person,
what you're exactly feeling,
sometimes is because you
yourself, don't know exactly
what you're feeling. We think
that most of the time, if you're
in a relationship that really
matters to you, you should be
able to express your emotions
and to be accepted by the other
person, even if they don't like
the fact that you're feeling
that emotion. And so it's okay
to say I'm afraid it's okay to
say I'm worried, but only if the
other person is willing to hear
that and not attack you for it
or condemn you for it, but
you're down for it. And so
sometimes you just need to check
who am I with? What might happen
here. I want to be open and
transparent but we have to have
the right environment to do Then
let's talk about just for a
second how long I want to write
environment to do that, if the
environment is not there, I
think sometimes it makes sense
not to reveal what you really
feel. And if you don't know what
you really feel, if you have the
right person with you, somebody
who genuinely cares and loves
you, and is open, sometimes you
can discover what you feel just
by talking it out. But that
won't happen if a person is
judgmental or condemning. It
will only happen when somebody
who's actually paying attention
to you. Would you agree with
that?
I would agree.
And what was the thing I said,
we'll come back to and talk
about Vironment. Make sure the
environment that you're in is
conducive to doing so means?
Well, I'm not quite sure what
you were thinking when he was
saying that, not just where you
are, which I'm sure is
important. If you're out in
public, then that's maybe not
the best time to dive deeper
into these things. But even
then, the environment of if
you're at home, and, you know,
how is how has the day been, all
of these factors are put in
there. But then there's finally
the environment of what you were
just saying, is the spouse able
to hear and be a safe place,
even if it's something that they
don't want to hear? Or wished
were different?
So my last comment about that,
and Kimberly can say what she
wishes here is this, if you feel
like your spouse is not being
open and transparent about what
they feel, and therefore you
don't want to accuse them of
toxic positivity, you're just
pretending you're not being real
and being honest, if you say it
that way, they're going to
continue to guard their
emotions, they're going to
continue not to tell you what
they feel because they feel
unsafe with you. And so if you
think your spouse is doing that,
then the better way would be to
say, I can see that. What you're
saying doesn't seem to fit
what's going on with your face
and the things you've been doing
it even the way you've been
eating or sleeping, would you be
willing to tell me what's really
going on in there? And if they
say, I don't know, I'm willing
to listen. And whatever you say,
and we'll hear, I'm still on
your side, I still love you. So
rather than attacking what you
might see as toxic positivity,
instead, change the environment
where the person can tell you
what they really feel.
Yeah. And how many times have we
heard people clients, when they
come to our workshops, when they
do our 90 day programs, they
come to us and they say, I was
putting all the blame on my
spouse. But I realized now there
was actually more in my control
that I could change
nearly every couple, every
workshop.
Absolutely, absolutely. We love
seeing those changes in people.
And so we have a way that our
listeners that our audience can
book a call with our intake
specialists to learn more about
how we can help you whether it's
you, yourself right now, if you
don't have a spouse who's
engaged and wanting to work on
the marriage, guess what, we
have a path for you. Or if you
and your spouse are willing to
work together, we have a path
for you to a very effective 90
day programs that can help to
begin to turn around your
marriage and you can book that
free call with our intake
specialists by going to marriage
helper.com/book. Now, that's B O
K in ow you can also click the
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Until next time, remember,
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