WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT THE
RUSSIA INVESTIGATION.
THE WALLS ARE CLEARLY CLOSING IN ON TRUMP.
AND AFTER ALL THOSE CHEESEBURGERS, THE WALLS DON'T
HAVE VERY FAR TO GO.
( LAUGHTER ) "THE WASHINGTON POST" GOT THEIR
HANDS ON A LEAKED COPY OF A REPORT COMMISSIONED BY THE
SENATE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE, AND THERE'S SOME DAMNING STUFF
IN THERE.
FOR INSTANCE, TO HELP TRUMP IN THE ELECTION, THE COMMITTEE
FOUND THAT RUSSIA USED EVERY MAJOR SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM.
YES, VLADIMIR PUTIN EVEN CREATED HIS OWN BITMOJI.
( LAUGHTER ) "LET'S COLLUDE, AMERICAN DUDE!"
AT THIS POINT, TRUMP FACES 17 INVESTIGATIONS, "A LEGAL ASSAULT
UNLIKE ANYTHING PREVIOUSLY SEEN BY ANY PRESIDENT."
QUITE A DISTINCTION FOR TRUMP.
(AS TRUMP) "NO OTHER PRESIDENT HAS HAD MORE BIG, BEAUTIFUL
INVESTIGATIONS.
AND THEY'RE NATURALS, OKAY?
I'M TELLING YOU, IF I HAD A DOLLAR FOR EVERYTHING I'M BEING
INVESTIGATED FOR, YOU'D NEVER KNOW BECAUSE I WON'T SHOW MY TAX
RETURNS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BIG NATURALS.
BIG -- WHAT TRUMP NEEDS IS A GOOD
LAWYER.
OR RUDY GIULIANI, SEEN HERE REALIZING WHAT HE'S BECOME.
( LAUGHTER ) GIULIANI WENT ON THE SUNDAY
SHOWS AND INSISTED THAT NO ONE IS GUILTY OF ANY CRIMES DURING
THE CAMPAIGN, BECAUSE THOSE CRIMES WEREN'T CRIMES.
>> COLLUSION IS NOT A CRIME, IT DOESN'T EXIST.
PAYING $130,000 TO STORMY WHATEVER AND PAYING $130,000 TO
THE OTHER ONE IS NOT A CRIME.
IF ROGER STONE GAVE ANYBODY A HEADS-UP ABOUT WIKILEAKS' LEAKS,
THAT'S NOT A CRIME.
>> STEPHEN: SLOW DOWN, I CAN'T WRITE THESE CRIMES DOWN THAT
FAST.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY.
JUST TRANSCRIBE THAT, PLEASE.
OKAY.
AND WHAT DOES HE MEAN, "COLLUSION IS NOT A CRIME"?
OKAY, I UNDERSTAND THE ACTUAL CRIME IS CALLED "CONSPIRACY TO
DEFRAUD THE UNITED STATES."
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "MY CLIENT IS ACCUSED OF MURDERING HIS
NEIGHBOR, BUT HE MERELY STABBED HIM IN THE AORTA WITH A FONDUE
FORK.
( LAUGHTER ) FONDUE FORKING IS NOT A CRIME."
( LAUGHTER ) GIULIANI THEN WENT AFTER COHEN'S
CREDIBILITY.
>> HE'S CHANGED HIS STORY FOUR OR FIVE TIMES.
>> SO HAS THE PRESIDENT.
>> THE PRESIDENT'S NOT UNDER OATH.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: GOOD POINT.
THAT'S A REALLY GOOD POINT, JON.
>> Jon: WHAT?
>> Stephen: IF ONLY PRESIDENTS HAD SOME SORT OF CEREMONY WHERE
A JUDGE HAD TO SWEAR THEM IN BEFORE THEY TOOK OFFICE.
( LAUGHTER ) MUELLER GOT TRUMP'S WRITTEN
ANSWERS TO HIS QUESTIONS LAST MONTH, AND REPORTEDLY NOW
HE WANTS TO INTERVIEW THE PRESIDENT, BUT RUDY SAYS THAT'S
NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
>> IS THE SPECIAL COUNSEL-- DOES HE WANT TO INTERVIEW THE
PRESIDENT?
>> YEAH, GOOD LUCK.
OVER MY DEAD BODY.
>> STEPHEN: WELL, GREAT, WE'LL SCHEDULE THE INTERVIEW FOR
TOMORROW!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OH, WAIT, THAT'S YOUR ALIVE BODY.
OH...
IS ALL OF IT ALIVE?
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP IS ALSO FIGHTING BACK.
AGAINST EVERYTHING.
SINCE FRIDAY, HE'S TWEETED ABOUT CHINA, OBAMACARE, THE WONDERFUL
WIFE OF ROD BLAGOJEVICH, PETER S. AND THE LOVELY LISA PAGE,
CHILD SEPARATION, SMUGGLERS USE THE KIDS, WITCH HUNT, WITCH
HUNT, WITCH HUNT, HOAX, AND THE RUSSIAN WITCH HUNT HOAX.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT SOUNDS LIKE THE COLLUSION
VERSION OF "DUCK, DUCK, GOOSE."
(AS TRUMP) "WITCH HUNT, WITCH HUNT, THE
RUSSIAN WITCH HUNT HOAX!
DON JR., YOU'RE IT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: ONE THING THAT REALLY GOT
TRUMP'S GOAT WAS THE PLEA DEAL MUELLER STRUCK WITH TRUMP'S
FORMER LAWYER, AND MAN WHOSE DOCTOR JUST DELIVERED THE BAD
NEWS THAT HE'S GOING TO LIVE THROUGH THIS, MICHAEL COHEN.
TRUMP TWEETED "REMEMBER, MICHAEL COHEN ONLY BECAME A 'RAT' AFTER
THE F.B.I. DID SOMETHING WHICH WAS ABSOLUTELY UNTHINKABLE AND
UNHEARD OF UNTIL THE WITCH HUNT WAS ILLEGALLY STARTED.
THEY BROKE INTO AN ATTORNEY'S OFFICE!"
FIRST, THEY DIDN'T BREAK INTO HIS OFFICE.
THEY HAD A WARRANT.
AND THEY KNOCKED.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY ARE ALLOWED TO COME IN.
(AS TRUMP) "THAT VALET JUST STOLE MY CAR--
AFTER I GAVE HIM MY KEYS."
( LAUGHTER ) GET HIM!
GET HIM!
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) I THINK I HAVE RUN MORE TONIGHT
PRETENDING TO BE TRUMP THAN TRUMP HAS RUN IN HIS LIAR LIFE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND "RAT?"
INNOCENT PEOPLE ALWAYS DESCRIBE THEIR ACCUSERS AS "RATS."
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE JESUS SAID, TO JUDAS IN THE
GARDEN OF GETHSEMANE, "WAY TO RAT ME OUT, JUDY.
YOU'RE GOING TO SLEEP WITH THE LOAVES AND THE FISHES, SEE?"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
TRUMP ALSO GOT MAD AT THE TV PEOPLE.
"A 'REAL' SCANDAL IS THE ONE-SIDED COVERAGE, HOUR BY
HOUR, OF NETWORKS LIKE NBC AND DEMOCRAT SPIN MACHINES LIKE
'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.' IT IS ALL NOTHING LESS THAN
UNFAIR NEWS COVERAGE AND DEM COMMERCIALS.
SHOULD BE TESTED IN COURTS, CAN'T BE LEGAL?
ONLY DEFAME AND BELITTLE!
COLLUSION?" ( LAUGHTER )
NOT SURE HOW TO READ ANY OF THAT.
MR. PRESIDENT, YOU MIGHT NOT LIKE "SNL," BUT THAT'S NOT A
CRIME.
WHAT ARE HIS YELP REVIEWS LIKE?
(AS TRUMP) "THE SERVICE WAS SLOW AND THE
MINESTRONE WAS TOO SALTY.
MURDER?" ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
I'LL SAY THIS: HE THINKS "SNL" SKETCHES "SHOULD BE TESTED IN
COURTS."
( LAUGHTER ) ARE THEY GOING TO PUT THEIR
JOKES ON TRIAL, OR DOES HE THINK "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" IS NEWS?
(AS TRUMP) "I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE MY NEW
NOMINEE FOR ATTORNEY GENERAL, DAVID S. PUMPKINS.
DAVID?" >> ANY QUESTIONS?