-It's "Weekend Update" with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you very much.
Good evening, everyone.
-Welcome to "Weekend Update." I'm Michael Che.
-I'm Colin Jost.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, everyone, Democrats have retained control of the Senate.
I, uh -- [ Cheers and applause ]
I don't know if that's really official,
but we're not a real news program,
so I'm just gonna call it.
Um, I was actually surprised they won
given President Biden's low approval ratings.
I guess Biden's kind of like the "Jurassic World" movies,
you know, extremely successful despite a 42% rating.
[ Laughter ]
Republicans, by the way, are not taking it well.
Tucker Carlson, seen here
struggling to make it through No Nut November...
[ Laughter ]
...he criticized --
he criticized the voting -- you guys are all doing it, too?
Okay. [ Laughter ]
Criticized the voting process
and called electronic voting machines a threat to democracy.
I'm actually not that worried about the voting machines.
I'm worried that they're being operated
by the oldest people I've ever seen.
[ Laughter ]
Truly, this year, the woman who gave me my ballot
was wearing two stickers, one that said, "I voted,"
and another that said, "I survived the Titanic."
[ Laughter ]
-The key Senate race in Georgia
between Raphael Warnock and Herschel Walker
will move on to a runoff in December.
But Walker has offered Warnock $500 to just, you know,
take care of it, baby.
[ Laughter ]
Many Black voters in Georgia were frustrated
with another runoff election
because the burden of saving the Senate fell on them once again.
It's happened so often, there's already a movie about it.
[ Laughter ]
-In a speech yesterday, Herschel Walker called America
the greatest country in the United States.
[ Laughter ]
But, on the plus side,
at least he has a general idea of where he is.
Walker then apologized for misspeaking saying,
"I know I'm not always the sharpest tool
in the refrigerator."
[ Laughter ]
Senator Mark Kelly defeated challenger Blake Masters
in the Arizona Senate race.
Masters can now return to his true passion of...
I'm gonna guess strangling hitchhikers?
[ Laughter ]
-President Biden said that he plans to run again in 2024
but won't make a final decision until early next year.
Because it's like his doctor told him,
"I wouldn't plan too far ahead."
[ Laughter, audience "ohhs" ]
After this year's election,
a record-setting 12 states will have female governors...
[ Cheers and applause ]
...while the other 38 states will have dinner ready on time.
[ Audience "ohhs," laughter ]
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
[ Laughter ]
-A 25-year-old from Florida will become
the first Gen Z member of Congress.
"Younger," said Matt Gaetz.
[ Laughter ]
Rupert Murdoch, this week,
officially turned on Donald Trump.
First, the "New York Post" ran a cover
calling Ron DeSantis Ron DeFuture
even though Rhonda Future sounds more like
a drag queen from outer space.
Then on Thursday, the "Post" showed Donald Trump
as an egg sitting on a wall
with the headline, "Trumpty Dumpty,"
which had to be the easiest Photoshop job in history...
[ Laughter ]
...and now Trump is threatening to reveal
unflattering information about Ron DeSantis.
For example, did you know Ron DeSantis is in charge
of the state where some maniac
was hiding stolen nuclear secrets?
That's messed up.
-Apple is saying that COVID in China...
[ Laughter ]
Apple is saying that COVID in China
has led to a slowdown in iPhone production.
Wow. So I guess the new variant does affect children.
[ Audience "ohhs" ]
[ Laughs ]
-"Oh. Oh."
-I love this crowd.
-[ Laughs ]
-Nearly half-a-billion dollars was spent in California
on campaigns aimed at legalizing sports gambling online
but failed by a wide margin.
Said supporters of the bill, "Okay, double or nothing."
[ Laughter ]