In this video, we're going to be talking about the widely held belief that you must ignore
your ex if you want them back. In case you're new here, my name is Clay, with Modernlove.life,
where we help you get the great loving relationship that you're looking for without having to
play mind games, without having to play hard to get, and without having to pretend to be
someone or something that you are not.
This is probably going to be a controversial video, so if you do like it, please help me
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other videos that say that you must always not contact your ex and ignore them. Also,
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or subscribe, whatever you want to do. But yeah, it's all there.
And if you're totally new to all this stuff that we're talking about and you want to learn
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where we talk a little bit more about debunking and pulling apart some of the myths that maybe
you have seen out there on other channels, that, in my experience, working with my clients,
obviously, have not really been true. So with that being said, let's get into this.
So there is this belief, this mantra, this, in my opinion, kind of a dangerous, closed-minded,
let's put the blinders on and just sort of like barrel forward kind of belief in this
whole world of getting back together with your ex and saving your relationship. And
this belief is that you must ignore your ex for some period of time. You must do it. You
just have to trust the plan. You have to ignore everything that your gut is telling you and
just do it. Do no contact. Don't ask any questions. Trust blindly. And do radio silence, trust
blindly in it, just barrel forward.
And I want to address that because it is not true, in my opinion. Again, don't get me wrong,
I've been there myself. I remember going through my first big breakup with my big ex back in
2003. I remember logging on to this online forum. It's all we had back then in 2003.
There was no YouTube or anything like that. And just looking at how to get back together
with my ex. And a lot of people were talking about this thing called the No Contact Rule,
how you had to do it, all that stuff. And it scared me. It did. It really scared me.
I thought that the thin thread of connection that we did have, the thin thread of contact
that we did have, however strained it might be, was all that was keeping her from just
forgetting about me and moving on. I totally get it. I've been there.
And there are also times when you do need to kind of go into that fear and do it, and
do something like no contact. I actually ended up doing no contact with that ex and things
actually did get better and all that. But there's times and places for no contact, absolutely,
but you don't need to just blindly do it all the time. And I've worked with clients before
who have gotten back together with their exes without using no contact. And they've done
it because it didn't make sense for their situation.
It didn't make sense for them to just cut contact, because cutting contact and doing
no contact can sometimes be helpful, but it can also sometimes send the wrong message.
When people have poor interactions with their exes, when people have things that don't go
the way that they want them to, maybe the two of you end up in an argument, maybe the
two of you have some sort of disagreement. Maybe they're not texting you as much as you
want them to. Maybe they're in a rebound relationship or something like that. And I get a lot of
questions from people that are like, "Hey, this thing happened. Should I do no contact?"
And you run a very real risk of doing that, because you send a message to your ex that,
"Hey, when the going gets tough, I go away." And that's not a very strong relationship
message to be sending. "When the going gets tough, I go away."
If that person, if your ex, is interested in having a relationship, a good relationship
over the long span, and they see you as, "When the going gets tough, I go away," they're
going to be like, "Well, what happens when we're having a fight with our future kids,
and we have a disagreement about parenting styles or something. You going to run away?
What happens when things are tough and we're having a tough time paying our mortgage. You
going to run away? What happens when I'm experiencing some sort of depression or something like
that, and I can't connect with you in the way that I normally can. Are you just going
to run away and leave me?"
These are strong signs that you could be inadvertently sending to your ex, that I'm not relationship
materials. So you have to be careful about this stuff. So don't think that you must ignore
your ex. Don't think that this is an important, critical component in doing it. I mean, granted,
there are definitely times when it makes sense to do no contact. For me, I did no contact
with my big ex because us being in contact was doing more harm to our connection than
it was doing good. And so it made sense for me to take a step back and say, "Okay, whatever
I'm doing isn't working. Let's take a step back and reassess. And then through no contact,
we can kind of hopefully calm down my own thoughts and also work on whatever wasn't
working. And then that way, when we do get back in contact, we can actually have better
interactions." That totally makes sense. But you have to be careful about the message that
you're sending. You really do. Because you could be sending the wrong message.
And again, I have worked with a lot of people who have not done no contact, and they've
still gotten back together with their ex. It just didn't make sense for them. So don't
think that this is a critical step. If you do want to learn about our take on the No
Contact Rule and all that, we do have a video playlist up there, by the way. It kind of
covers how our version of No Contact, which we call Active No Contact, is a little bit
different than the passive no contact that you may have seen recommended on other channels
and in other videos there were not made by me. And that might be something to consider
before you think about doing no contact or not doing no contact. But you really got to
be careful about this.
You really do, because I see a lot of people out there that are encouraging you to turn
your brain off and to just blindly follow some arbitrary plan of no contact without
thinking about the message that it's sending, without thinking about whether or not it makes
sense in your situation, or whether or not it's right for you, or how it's going to affect
your ex. Granted, yeah, there can sometimes be benefits to this, but there can also be
some serious drawdowns to it as well too, where if you do it, you could be sending the
message that, "When the going gets tough, I go away, that I'm not relationship material."
And a lot of times, people are actually advocating using no contact as sort of like this mind
game. Like, "Oh, you got to just cut contact and mysteriously vanish, and then they'll
wonder why you haven't been texting them. Are you dating someone else? Have I been replaced
so easily and so quickly? Maybe I need to crawl over these broken shards of glass to
get back in contact with you."
And obviously, I don't recommend the whole mind game thing. It's in the beginning of
the video. Be whoever person that you are. No mind games, no hard to get, all that stuff.
So you got to be careful about this. You really do. I'd encourage you to turn your brain on,
get present in your situation. And don't just kind of defer your decision-making to some
person that you've seen on YouTube, except me. Just kidding. No, don't just defer your
decisions to me either. Always think for yourself. Always take something that someone's saying
to you, someone's recommending to you, and say, "Does this make sense? How do I think
this is going to affect my ex? How do I think this is going to affect me? If this is supposed
to benefit this relationship, how could I see that happening?"
And then ask yourself, does that make sense with what you know about your ex and their
personality, and you and your personality, and all that stuff. But don't just blindly
follow my advice, or anyone else's advice out there. It can be really devastating if
you do that. Because the last thing I want is to think for you, the last thing I want
is for you to turn to me every time you have some sort of issue, or question, and be like,
"Hey, Clay. What do I do next? Hey, Clay. What do I do next? Hey, Clay. What do I do
next?"
I mean, maybe that's good business. I don't know. But it just sounds kind of like overwhelming
for me, honestly. What I want you to do is to learn how to think for yourself, learn
how to steer the boat on your own, so that you can make informed relationship decisions
on your own. And so that you don't really need me, or you don't really need a coach
someday, because you have learned how to think about things, and how to think about the effects
of the things that you might consider doing before you just kind of blindly do them. That's
what I want for you.
Anyway, if you like what we're doing here, obviously please give this video a thumbs
up. If you're not liking this, give it a thumbs down too. That does help us equally. Just
so you know. So Brad Browning, you're helping me out when you give me those thumbs down.
Anyway, also subscribe to the channel if you want to get more updates when we do post new
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the description below. We send you tips, advice, and strategies on how to get back together
with your ex, how to save your relationship. And we also send you a nice report when you
first sign up that goes over a lot of the commonly held beliefs that aren't necessarily
true, such as the whole no contact thing.
Anyway, thank you so much for watching this video. If you do want to learn more about
our take on the No Contact Rule, we do have this video playlist right here, or you might
be more interested in this video. But thank you so much. I hope you have a great day.
And remember, keep your brain turned on. Don't turn it off. Don't defer your decisions to
someone else. And always think for yourself. Take care.