- Hey, everybody, I'm Jake Johnson
from Netflix's "HOOPS."
Today I'm doing something with Buzzfeed.
I'm gonna be reading your thirsty tweets.
Let's begin.
(upbeat music)
Let Jake Johnson read thirst tweets.
I want him to know I want to lick him from head to toe.
Well, I'm gonna tell you,
if you're gonna lick me from head to toe,
you're gonna want me to be out of the shower first.
There's some zones no human needs to lick.
I wish for Jake Johnson to swaddle me
in one of those cloth Babybjorn wraps
then put me to sleep.
You know, that's kind of a sweet one.
Yeah, I'll wrap you up in a baby-
I know those little Babybjorn things you're talking about
and I know how to do them.
Okay, Netflix, you got me.
Jake Johnson as a hairy, slutty, foul-mouthed coach
is everything I've ever wanted.
Where, on that show, am I hairy?
You just added that!
Yes, I'm slutty in it, I'm foul-mouthed, and I am a coach.
Is Coach Ben hairy?
I would let Nick Miller and Schmidt from "New Girl"
rail me into the next century!
Sorry, had to say it.
Well, after playing Nick Miller for seven years
and playing opposite Max Greenfield
who played Schmidt for those seven years,
those two would not nail anything together.
I'm not sure that would happen.
The only thing that those two
would nail into the next century
could possibly be each other.
Jake Johnson's beard. That's the tweet.
Okay, good tweet.
Jake Johnson with beard is the yummiest starter,
main course, and dessert together.
All right, thank you.
I did not know that Jake Johnson was in "Spiderverse,"
and when I heard his voice I became instantly wet.
Well, thank you for that tweet, sir. I appreciate that.
I hope you dry off, buddy.
List of things I want Jake Johnson to do to me:
fight me Nick Miller style,
scream at my face like Chris Vail
in a life-threatening experience would,
repeatedly whisper "Thwip and release" in my ears,
sing me "Deck the Halls" to sleep,
five, hug me, I guess.
She was playing IMDb for the first four.
Number five? That one's just her.
I'm gonna watch "The Mummy"
just because Jake Johnson is in it and I'm a hole for him.
(laughs)
Don't let your parents on your Twitter.
All porn should just be Jake Johnson playing a bartender.
No sex; just Jake Johnson behind a bar is good, thanks.
That seems potentially like a start.
I'm not sure there'd be a lot of finishing, as they say.
I don't see that as the most popular hit.
Popular opinion:
Actor Jake Johnson's nose is a sex icon.
I think that would be an unpopular opinion,
maybe a niche opinion.
This nose is no sex icon and I'm gonna prove it.
If you look underneath, it doesn't go all the way up.
It got broke here by a kid named Ken Ahno.
If you're watching, I'm still bringing it up.
That's when we were 15 years old.
Okay, Jake Johnson's nose is a salt-of-the-earth nose.
Wow, what a nose.
That nose will be there for you.
(laughs)
If you tell that nose that you can't sleep,
can it stay on the phone 'till you fall asleep,
that nose will do that
until it says, "I'm outside your door,"
but not in a creepy way.
And it'll fix the cabinet door
that never shut all the way before.
I would say that's the most interesting tweet
that I've personally read.
That's a lot about my nose.
Jake Johnson, if you are reading this,
please come choke me-
(laughs)
Jake Johnson, if you're reading this,
please come choke me the (beep) out right now.
I really need the death by (beep), sir.
Thank you.
I promise you I would love "Stumptown"
even if it didn't feature Jake Johnson wearing a beard
and a rotating selection of Trail Blazers t-shirts
while he pours beers and actively listens,
but it does feature all those things,
so I never stood a chance.
Is that the correct term- wearing a beard?
Literally everything about Jake Johnson.
It's a long list, again, about my face.
His scrunchy face, his facial hair, his raspy voice.
I wanna move on from this one.
Those just seem like compliments and they're embarrassing.
Gonna take a break from being political
to say that I want Jake Johnson to raw me.
(laughs)
Well, here's what I will say about that.
I'm glad we're all taking a break
from being political all the time,
especially on social media.
Let's get back to just writing about
wanting somebody to raw you.
Well, now I know after reading these
why I'm no longer on Twitter.
Please check out "HOOPS."
It comes out on Netflix August 21st.
(slow jam music)