But let's get to the big news.
One week from today
the presidential election will be over,
and that day cannot come soon enough,
because not only is it ruining the country,
it's ruining my Fridays.
Every Friday afternoon-- you think I'm joking--
but every Friday afternoon,
some new huge breaking story rocks the political world.
The pussy grab tape, Friday afternoon.
The DNC hack, Friday afternoon.
Hillary's secret speech transcripts, Friday afternoon.
TGIF used to mean Thank God it's Friday,
now it stands for "This Government is (bleep).
(laughter and applause)
And...
And last Friday afternoon, last Friday afternoon, like usual,
we got another bombshell.
TV REPORTER:
October surprise from FBI Director James Comey.
He is investigating Hillary Clinton and her server again.
He says this in connection with an unrelated case,
the FBI has learned of the existence of e-mails
that appear pertinent to the investigation.
Oh, you thought the email scandal was over?
Well, it turns out, Comey don't play dat!
(laughter)
And-and look at how the scandal has effected everything.
Before last week, Hillary had this election in the bag.
Trump had been outed as a pervert
who tries to conceal the size of his tiny hands
-by hiding them inside vaginas. -(laughter)
Hillary wasn't just winning, I mean,
she was measuring the drapes in the Oval Office,
and making sure she had a pantsuit to match.
-But now... -(laughter)
But now since Comey's completely ambiguous revelation,
Hillary's lead has been cut in half,
and it turns out the only thing worse than this discovery
was how it was discovered.
TV REPORTER:
belonging to Anthony Weiner,
the husband of Clinton's long-time aid Huma Abedin,
currently under investigation
for sexting with a purportedly underaged girl.
Anthony Weiner?!
Are you kidding me?
Hillary Clinton, 30 years of public service,
and her whole life is going to be taken down
by this guy's dick pics?
You know what this feels like?
You know what this feels like in a way?
It feels like this is the penis, the penis itself
trying one last time to stop the vagina
from getting into the White House.
Like, it seems like Anthony Weiner's penis
is sacrificing itself for all the other penises out there
just diving in front of the election like,
"Nooooo!
(cheers and applause)
And, by the way, by the way, if you don't know Anthony Weiner,
this is not the first time his dick
has blown up in everyone's face.
TV REPORTER:
Twitter account over the weekend,
a photo of an anonymous man's bulging underwear.
Is that a photograph of you?
We're trying to find out the s...
where that photograph came from.
Congressman Anthony Weiner
resigns amid intense pressure over his sexting scandal.
REPORTER:
wants another shot at political life.
REPORTER 2:
enters the New York City mayor's race.
Anthony Weiner caught in a sexting scandal yet again.
REPORTER 3:
to fourth place in the polls.
REPORTER 4:
REPORTER 5:
REPORTER 6:
sent out a picture of the couple's son,
climbed into bed with him while he was sexting.
God damn.
It's like this guy is trying to see
how many times he can end his career.
He's gonna go to medical school next.
They'll be like, "Congratulations, Dr. Weiner,
here's your diploma." And he'll be like,
"Uh, here's your dick pic, I'm out."
And if you don't know much about Anthony Weiner,
all you need to know is, uh,
he's a guy who's known for sexting total strangers.
He once pretended his name was Carlos Danger,
which is the only name that sounds more fake
than Tony Weiner,
and he texted a woman named Sydney Leathers
that he promised to bang her so hard
that her tits would hit her in the face. Yes.
Uh, once again, a politician making empty promises.
This (bleep) is so crazy
and at the same time the story is so Shakespearean...
You know, think about it.
Hillary survives Bill's sex scandal,
but now gets a scandal from her top aide's husband
and it was Bill who married them.
Not to mention that Trump
got his sex scandal from Billy Bush,
whose uncle was defeated by Hillary's husband
before Trump later defeated his cousin Jeb!
There are only, like,
15 characters in the entire story.
Now, because Weiner's sexting has potentially exposed
new Hillary e-mails, the investigation
is facing a-a time crunch.
And fortunately, the FBI has a plan.
REPORTER:
with key search terms, and the process
of sifting through the records
on Anthony Weiner's computer has begun.
You know, I-I feel so bad for those FBI agents.
Think about it-- you went through the grueling training,
you dreamed of taking down mob bosses and serial killers.
And now, you're basically living the life
of a harassed woman on Tinder.
Dick pic. Dick pic.
Dick pic. Dick pic. Oh, wait, there's a fa...
Nope, that's an upside down dick.
Dick pic. Dick pic.
You know what would make the story even crazier?
Is if Donald Trump predicted this over a year ago.
Trump was one of the people sounding the alarm
about Anthony Weiner's proximity
to sensitive information early on.
Huma, now, is one of the people
that it all sort of came through Huma.
Who is Huma married to?
(crowd clamors)
One of the great sleazebags of our time--
Anthony Weiner.
You know, the little bing, bing, bing, bong, bong.
So, Huma is getting
classified secrets.
Do you think there's even a five percent chance
that she's not telling Anthony Weiner,
now of a public relations firm,
what the hell is coming across?
Where was Trump-- in a revival tent?
The way he's talking about that story--
"Any of this..." It's like he's casting out demons.
"And then I said to the demon...
"I said to the demon, 'Get out, demon!'
"Bing, bing, bong, bong.
"Uh, bing, bing, bong, bong, get out, demon!
"I cast you out now, demon!
Get out!"
He sounded like a madman. That was a year ago.
But when Trump was shouting, "Bing, bing, bong, bong,"
he was actually making sense. Even though he looks and talks
like Beaker from The Muppets.
Bing, bing, bing, bong, bong.
(babbles)
Yeah, Trump-Trump is the-the one on the left.
The one on the right... the one on the right
is more qualified to be president.
Now, can you imagine... can you imagine
what the Founding Fathers would think of this election?
Have you ever thought about that?
Because they don't have dick pic scandals, you know?
I mean, partly because back then you had to employ an artist
to do an oil painting of your member.
But... I'll tell you this. I know a lot of people
are thrown by this Anthony Weiner scandal.
And there's one thing we should learn from all of this is
Anthony Weiner-- he needs to start
using his dick pics for good.
No, seriously. He's-he's so talented
at getting attention paid to his penis.
Think about it-- this scandal was gone
and his penis has brought the e-mails back.
He needs to harness that power
to raise awareness for important issues.
He should put a polar bear on a melted arctic ice cap
in the background. Yeah. And then people would be like,
"Did you see what happened with that?
We've got to investigate climate change."
Some people see sexting scandals, I see a cockortunity.