- If you haven't taken acid, it's a great drug.
You got to take it, but you only get six times.
You'll get six times, and then your seventh time,
it's just, like, images of people dying,
your parents getting shot in the face, and then,
you quit doing drugs, you're depressed for seven years,
and start stand-up comedy-- hi, I'm Dave Ross.
Nice to meet you.
[dark electronic music]
♪
[people screaming]
♪
- Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
I hope you're all having a wonderful day.
This is what's known as a robbery.
Do not move. Do not speak.
♪
[laughs]
♪
[cheers and applause]
Ladies and gentlemen, from the sketch show, "Women,"
please give it up for Mr. Dave Ross, everybody.
Let him hear it!
♪
- I grew up, um, like, a reserved kid.
I was, uh--yeah, I didn't, like,
do any drugs or drink through high school.
I didn't smoke cigarettes-- cigarettes were bad, you know?
And, uh, so, I went to college,
and I was like, "I'm gonna keep doing that."
And, um, then I met this girl, and she smoked cigarettes,
and I was like, I love cigarettes.
They're so great.
Uh, I love everything about 'em.
And, uh--and so I--okay, I went to school, uh, in L.A.,
and I lived in a dorm on the corner
of Exposition and Figueroa.
And, uh, I don't know if you know that neighborhood,
but...[chuckles]. Ugh!
Uh, and, uh, we were watching a local news program
in my dorm room one night called "The Action News."
And I've always loved that name.
Action in your news!
Yeah, election coverage with tits!
Uh, so we're watching it.
There's a top, ten, um,
every night on "The Action News."
And this top ten was the top ten places
in Los Angeles with the most beatings.
[laughing] Like, could you use
any other language besides-- beatings!
[grunting]
It was like-- we couldn't believe it.
We watched the whole thing,
they got to number one.
Number one place in L.A.
with the most beatings
is the corner of Exposition and Figueroa.
And they showed a picture of the Chevron
we went to every day to buy cigarettes.
And I was like, all right, well, we're quitting cigarettes.
For sure. Uh, no more smoking.
Really do not need that in our lives, cool.
So anyway, like six months later, I took a bunch of acid
and went to the beating Chevron to buy cigarettes.
And I should say, this is, uh,
my first time ever taking acid,
so acid hadn't made me sad yet.
Uh, I don't know-- if you haven't taken acid,
it's a great drug. You got to take it.
But you only get six times.
You'll get six times, and then your seventh time,
it's just, like, images of people dying,
your parents getting shot in the face, and then,
you quit doing drugs, you're depressed for seven years,
and start stand-up comedy-- hi, I'm Dave Ross.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
I, uh--yeah, so, we were happy, you know?
First time.
We--we'd been dating for six months.
We're in love.
Let's just dance around
and look at all the lights and colors.
This is gonna be wonderful.
Yeah, Watts has so much to offer us tonight.
And, uh, so we're just sort of, like,
dancing up to the Chevron, and I walk up to the window,
and I'm like, I'll have a pack of Marlboro lights, please.
And then I give him a ten-dollar bill.
The guy gives me back a pack of Marlboro lights
and $15.
Which is extra. Um...
And look, I'm a pretty honest guy.
Normally, I would just give the money back.
You gave me extra. Take this.
But I was on fucking acid at the time.
And hone--I don't care how honest you are.
Your immediate gut reaction... [laughs]
to getting extra money is always just, "Hell yeah.
Keeping this."
And acid-- all it does is it takes
whatever emotion you're feeling
and multiplies it by 10 million.
So, this guy gives me extra money.
I look at him and say, out loud,
Oh, yeah!
Ooh, yeah, I am rich, man!
No more problems for Dave Ross.
I'm showing my girlfriend as we both, simultaneously,
Monty Burns our way across the street, you know?
Talking about all the houses and boats and cars
we're gonna buy with all our new money.
And as we're doing that,
the door of the Chevron flies open.
The dude from inside goes running across the street
and starts screaming at me in my face.
"Give me my money! You took my money!
Give me that money back!" And I don't know what happ--
it's five bucks, but I was like,
It's mine. You're not getting this.
And so, I pulled out my wallet. It was in my pocket.
And I showed him, there's no money in the wallet.
And of course, the screaming person is reasonable.
Uh, so what he did was, he took my wallet
out of my hand, ran across the street,
locked himself in the Chevron,
and called the cops on me.
I mean, you know, or on himself for stealing my wallet.
But either way, I'm on acid now,
and the cops are coming.
So, the next emotion I'm filled with
is just epic fear.
I had a bag of weed in my pocket.
I gave it to my girlfriend, I was like,
Baby, take this and never come back.
She just grabbed it from me, said, "I'll miss you,"
and just ran.
And I don't know-- I don't know.
There was something about seeing her run
that just put me in this, like--
I can do this, man.
It just changed-- it was fear,
and now it's courage, and I turned around,
and in my head, all that was happening was just, like...
[humming dramatic music]-- you know what I mean?
[humming dramatic music]
I was like--"Kashmir" by Led Zeppelin's playing in my head
as I'm walking up the hill to the Chev--
it wasn't a hill, but it felt like a hill,
you know what I mean?
And I'm walking up the hill to the Chevron,
and as I'm thinking, I got to do this, man.
Oh, my parents can't find out.
I can't go to prison. I got to make it through this.
And as I'm thinking all that crazy shit,
I, uh, I hear, "Hey!
"Hey!
Hey!"
And I look over, and there is
a police officer in a full uniform
staring at me.
And I am staring at him.
Don't think that that happens to cops that often.
I think normally, if a cop talks, everyone's like,
"Ha ha, sorry, sir. Ah, here I am!
Apologies."
But this cop was like, "Hey."
Actually, he was probably just going, "Hey."
Uh...
But I was hearing, [howling].
[grunting]
Uh...[chuckles].
So, I just don't even move as he stares at me.
He stares at me, "Hey," and I'm just like,
What the fuck do you want?
Just looking at him-- we stare at each other
for minutes, prob--well, it was probably ten seconds,
but, you know, we stared at each other
for like 5,000 years, for sure.
I'm looking at him, and he breaks, eventually.
And he goes, "Hey, man. What happened here?"
And I just looked him dead in his eyes and said, "Everything."
And then he said, "All right,
you're on drugs, for sure."
And that's when I started crying.
[laughing] I just started crying immediately.
I am! [sobbing]
I didn't even try to lie.
I am on drugs! I'm sorry, sir.
Don't call my dad! Do you know my dad?
[sobbing] I'm sorry!
And after that, I could only say those two words.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry.
And he's just like, "Oh, my God. Calm down, man.
"I'm not here to bust you.
"I just came for the--I--
I'm gonna go talk to that guy over there."
So he went, and he talked to the guy in the Chevron.
Came back like 17,000 years later, you know?
Hands me my wallet back, and he's like,
"Do you have the guy's money? I was like, Sure. Here you go.
Uh, and he goes, "Listen.
"Like I said, I'm not here to bust you.
"I just want you to be safe. Please tell me,
what drugs did you take tonight?"
In my head, I was like, eh, can't be acid.
Acid's too messed-up!
So I just panicked and said,
"Ah, meth."
And...[laughs].
He's like, "Meth?" I was like...[laughing].
Not much, but yeah.
Yeah, meth, so, I do meth.
Ah!
He's like, "Oh, my God. Go home.
"Would you please go home?
You live over there, right? You go to school here? Go home."
And I was like, Okay.
I'm sorry.
And as I'm walking away, I get like ten steps away
from this cop, and he stops me and runs after me,
and he's like, "Oh, wait. One more thing.
Was that your girlfriend I saw walking away before?"
And I was like, yeah.
And he goes, "Dude, walk her home.
Don't you know how many beatings there are in this neighborhood?"
Thank you guys so much. I'm Dave Ross.
♪