Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World
'It can't be'
Starchaser-Legend of Orin is best known as an animated Star Wars rip-off
but as it opens, I'm feeling a different George Lucas film
'You must dig more crystals.'
Temple of Doom anyone?
'Quick into the ore carts, hurry.'
The plot is a little complicated
'I'm getting sick and tired of never understanding '
but Orin Skywalker here finds a sword in the mine where he and his people work
'My Goooooood.'
and...
'Find the blade.'
It's got a blade
Dang. Orin and his girlfriend decide to escape, leaving behind Orin's brother.
'You don't want me because I can't see'
that would seem to be the case, but of course he sneaks along anyway.
'Runny Kally run!'
For the last time, we're not taking you!
Which maybe just as well for him.
'Stop!'
the girlfriend is killed by Darth Zygon, and now the film doesn't have a strong female character
female robots are of course doomed to secretarial work
'Who the hell ordered this drill.'
nice tits though, and she has a sparky Princess Leia-esque personality.
'Let me go, let me go.'
Which will of course have to be fixed
'Stop that, you have no right to go prodding around inside me'
this is getting oddly sexual.
'You're definitely looking in the wrong place.'
'You wouldn't dare.'
'No no'
now it's officially weird.
(sexilly) 'Hiii'
Yeah, that's what happens.
'Has anyone ever told you that you are cute for a meat body?'
The man who has now completely voided her personality is Dagg Dibrimi, or Juan Solo
'That my little water snake is where I'm about to do my business'
Boy, they know how to design a toilet in the future.
He is of course a smuggler, doing deals with a succession of shady characters -
and a quick word of warning, if you thought Jar Jar Binks was a clumsy stereotype, buckle up.
'What brings you to the slums of Toga-Togo'
'You have ze crystal'
Also, his spaceship has the voice of C3PO
'I know I'm going to regret this'
Now I could spend all day pointing out Star Wars comparisons
'Damn, a tractor beams locked onto us'
or that the Starchaser pulls off a trick Joss Whedon uses in Firefly
But I'd rather point out the series of coincidences that keeps this movie running
'What are you talking about?'
Orin meets Aviana in Toga Togo
'The thickest den of theives this side of Bordagan.'
any similarity to Mos Eisley is entirely coincidental.
''800!'
'850'
possibly the only meet-cute in cinema to occur at a slave auction.
'Thousand going once, going twice, sold!'
Later on the Starchaser crashes somewhere else entirely and
'Ooh, the boy from the auction'
What a coincidence and, sidebar: is anyone else wondering if they crash-landed on Eternia?
and the convenient coincidences continue
'Who is your father?'
'Supreme governor of the Bordagon system'
and since the plot is still quite confusing
'My planetary history lessons'
which are able to fill in all the blanks concerning the magic sword hilt
'Tell us about this'
'According to the book Kardan, 1200 years ago a human possessing a golden hilt...
'was reported to crush a planetary dictatorship.'
'It's him the face on the blade.'
Unrelated question; after your girlfriend is strangled, because of you,
how long do you leave it before hooking up with someone else?
Couple of days. Yeah that sounds right
'I have no one now'
Back to the sword hilt, about which I have some questions
'Without this you are but a weak piece of flesh'
How so? I mean it's clever that the blade appears when you need it but it doesn't do anything that would make him a threat
'Lies, all lies’
Also, if it's so important, why does Zygon leave it lying around for the magic pixie to steal
The good guys now break into the Death Star
'Silica, they got a back door to this joint?'
Looks like she's having flashbacks to earlier
'Ungrateful son of a bitch'
Now Orin can fulfil his destiny
'I must go now to free my people'
And he learns
'You do not need the hilt Orin, there never was a blade'
how would you know?
Hang on, what was it you said earlier?
'Find the blade and you will find your freedom.'
This whole 'the answer was inside you all along' deal
doesn't pan out if you end up back where you started with a trail of bodies in your wake
'He died for no reason, Orin'
They all did. But let's finish up back with Star Wars
and the suggestion that George Lucas might have watched this before penning the Phantom Menace
Fair enough, they do owe him.
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Starchacer is actually the first animated film we've reviewed
let us know what other animations might suit us that you'd like to see us review in the comments below
Now beat it kid. I've got work to do