- There is no greater joy in my life
than scoring a goal against my nephew as myself in FIFA,
and the Roy Kent on screen going, "Yeah," in his face
and me next to him going, "Yeah."
He's troubled.
My name is Brett Goldstein
and these are the 10 essential items I can't live without.
[upbeat music]
Swimming goggles.
You never know when you're near a big body of water.
When you are, you need goggles.
I like the water.
If I could, I'd live in it.
These are really [bleep].
This is the fourth pair of goggles I've bought this year.
I did have some really good ones.
I'd love to show you them.
They now live in the sea.
Hopefully Ariel's using them and eyes are well.
It's also a good look.
I dunno why you don't see more of this on the catwalk.
Am I more of a front crawl a backstroke kind of guy?
Front crawl.
I go trunks.
I have found a pair, which I haven't brought with me,
that are incredibly tight.
And like a Speedo, but go down a bit to,
you know, fit the whole package.
Moleskin notebook.
Comedian Sara Pascoe once bought me a Moleskin notebook.
I've never looked back.
I'll go through six in a year maybe.
I use it for writing standup and for free writing.
No, I mean, it's proper psychopath shit.
I can't read any of this out.
If I ever die and these are found,
people will start looking for the bodies.
Sometimes it's not all writing, sometimes it's, you know,
drawings of my family.
It's got me to this table.
Laptop.
Don't leave the house without it.
When you put down your psychopathic notepad,
it's time to get serious.
I've been asked how messy my desktop is.
There's about 45 windows open, so,
for some people that would be a panic attack.
But for me, it's home.
It is stressful actually,
now you've sort of drawn attention to it,
I feel panicked.
Yeah, I'm gonna close that.
Black t-shirt.
Wardrobe looks like Batman.
It's just 20 black t-shirts.
Here's one of 'em.
I'm wearing the other one.
You never know when you need a black t-shirt.
I'll tell you when, all the time.
- [Interviewer] Fitted or baggy?
- Fitted rather than, you know, big and large.
This is a water bottle.
To be fair, when we're talking essential items,
I'd argue water.
This is a Muppets Studio water bottle that I was given.
I carry it around at the gym
in the hope that someone would say,
"How come you've got a Muppets Studio water bottle?"
And I'd say, "'Cause I met the Muppets."
I love the Muppets.
I like Dr. Teeth.
I've met them.
And tell you what, people say don't meet your heroes...
They haven't met the Muppets, have they?
I'd say meet the Muppets.
You won't be disappointed.
Next one.
The love of a good woman.
This is legit.
They put AFC Richmond into it
and my nephew is really good at football.
But there is no greater joy in my life
than scoring a goal against my nephew as myself in FIFA,
and the Roy Kent on screen going "Yeah," in his face
and me next to him going, "Yeah!"
He's troubled.
- [Interviewer] Is that the only team that you ever use?
- Yeah, yeah.
Although I did the other day transfer Marcus Rashford
into AFC Richmond.
He fits in quite nice.
My next item would be cinema.
Everyone says cinema's dying.
I say fuck you.
I don't wanna watch things at home.
I wanna go to the cinema.
It's like church, isn't it?
I got rules on the type of seat I want at the cinema.
I don't want your fancy recliner
with your three course meal.
I want a really upright chair, possibly with nails in it.
The least comfortable chair, that's what I'm after.
'Cause I wanna be watching that film
and not thinking, oh, I'm having a lovely relax, aren't I?
It's not relaxing, you're at the cinema.
It's important.
- [Interviewer] What was the last thing that you watched
in the cinema?
- So the best film I saw recently
was "The Banshees of Inisherin",
which is fucking phenomenal.
Protein bar.
You're doing standup, you're out,
what are you gonna eat?
Protein bar.
Don't have to be this type.
Sugar free, ideally.
I'm not what you'd classify as a foodie.
That's a good meal.
There's a mum's gym near where I live.
18 mums and me and we do a circuit together
and I try to look as non-threatening as possible.
Am I big into fitness?
Just a bit.
[Brett laughing]
[upbeat music]
You're on a desert island
and you've only got a Blu-ray player
and there's no cinema,
you're gonna take the greatest film ever made,
"Don't Look Now".
And the greatest TV show, "Twin Peaks."
I guess you're gonna watch 'em over and over
until you run out food.
Or power, I dunno where the power's coming from
on this desert island.
Maybe I'm building a sort of crank.
"Twin Peaks" changed my life.
I was eight.
Me and my sister came home from somewhere,
went to say hello to my dad.
He says, "Ssh ssh ssh ssh."
And we sat down and we watched it
and it scared us so very badly.
I moved a mattress into my sister's room
and slept on the floor, to this day.
And I'm still sleeping there.
"Don't Look Now".
When I first saw it, also scared the shit outta me.
But it's a beautiful film and then a lot of films
have copied it and they should be ashamed.
Also has a sex scene in it renowned for like,
oh did they, didn't they?
Amazing sex scene but it'll also make you cry.
Crying and watching sex.
That's a day out.
Piano book.
I'm shit at piano.
But I really love playing it.
Played when I was little, then I stopped,
then I played when I was older.
I find it calming.
Not for people listening, but for myself.
You're never too far from a big body of water.
You're never too far from a piano.
This is Billy Joel, the world's greatest singer songwriter.
Can I have that on a island as well?
One Blu-ray with a crank and a piano.
Oh yeah, I'm gonna need this book, sorry.
'Cause I can't remember all this.
My other essential item is my phone,
not because of making calls or emails or anything,
because of my screensaver which is Toheeb Jimoh,
who plays Sam in "Ted Lasso".
Straight up, whenever I look at that, it makes me happy.
It's a screensaver.
It doesn't last long.
It shuts off quite quickly.
Really gotta get your love in.
Do you know what I mean?
That's Toheeb all over, innit?
He gives and he takes.
And my final item, the love of a bad woman.
It's not us to judge this woman morally
and I appreciate her love.
- [Interviewer] Would you like to elaborate
on the love of a good woman as well?
- Nope.
[Brett laughing]
Thanks for watching.
Those were my ten or more essential items,
which I think we can all agree were essential.
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