It's fine, man.
(audience laughing)
I don't go to nightclubs anymore.
I'm done with that.
I used to.
I can't even do it.
It was boring
and I ain't got no game, no game.
I don't even attempt.
I don't.
Like are we interested
in each other? No, OK I'm going
to take a nap.
(audience laughing)
I'm serious.
It's boring, I ain't got no game
and I don't know when this started
but yeah, the music is too loud.
(audience laughing)
Isn't that crazy?
I don't know when that happened
for me.
I was at a club in New York.
I was in there two minutes.
I went to the DJ like--
(audience laughing)
Because you can't hear the person
right next to you.
They're literally this close
and you got to yell the whole night
like what?
What?
And all you can do
is hope that their face matches what
you think they're saying.
(audience laughing)
Matter of fact,
if you want to say something bad
that's the time to say it.
Yeah, I kill people on Tuesdays.
(audience laughing)
I'm saying.
That way when it come out
in the news she'll be like, "I didn't
"know."
Baby, I told you the first night
I met you.
(audience laughing)
Now, I got to go.
It's Tuesday, don't try and change me.
(audience laughing)
But like I said I hadn't been here
in a long time so I had to use
the GPS to get here.
Waze, anybody familiar with Waze?
(audience applauding)
I love Waze.
Waze is the fastest, right?
Not the safest.
(audience laughing)
Found that out yesterday.
Waze will have you going
through alleys, backyards,
(audience laughing)
somebody's house.
(audience laughing)
Like turn left at the sink.
(audience laughing)
Because it's spooky accurate,
super-- you'll be driving
and it'll be like object in road.
And you'll look there's an object
right there in the road.
And part of you
is amazed by that technology,
then you're freaked out like where
the hell are you?
(audience laughing)
To where you can see this Skittle
in the road.
(audience laughing)
It's a small object.
Spooky accurate.
It would be like car on shoulder.
You look there's a car right there
on the shoulder you all.
Spooky accurate.
Because then it would be like crack
deal two blocks ahead.
(audience laughing)
Spooky accurate.
Because then it would be like better
deal two blocks South.
(audience laughing)
You got too much information
up there.
(audience laughing)
Did you guys know
you could download
Morgan Freeman's voice?
That's right.
I did as soon as I found out.
(audience laughing)
Why would you not?
What kind of a heartless person
are you that you don't want Morgan
Freeman telling you how to get
to where you got to go?
It'll be like, "I'm Morgan Freeman
"let's go home."
(audience laughing)
Yeah, let's go home, man.
(audience applauding)
Let's pick up Andy Dufresne too bro.
(audience laughing)
Three people got that Shawshank
reference, that's fine.
That's fine.
They'll edit it out anyway.
(audience laughing)
I like that they can customize
voices.
I wish they could personalize it
to you because sometimes their voice
is so automated that it throws you
off as you're driving.
You'd be driving just enjoying it
like ping turn left here.
And you're like oh, that was
my favorite part of the song.
I like they personalize it.
I think they should customize it to you
though, your personality, you know.
That way when it comes on it
doesn't throw you off, you know.
You're rolling down the street,
"Hey player turn left
"at the next corner."
OK.
(audience laughing)
That's my dude.
All right.
(audience laughing)
You don't want to get one too
personalized though.
You don't want to get one
with emotional problems.
(audience laughing)
They don't take you where you want
to go, they take you where they
think you should go.
(audience laughing)
Like church.
I didn't pick church.
"That's my point."
What the hell.
(audience laughing)
My ex-girlfriend house.
"You know you still love her."
Mind your business GPS.
(audience laughing)
But I made it.
I'm here.
I realized something earlier as I'm
getting older, which is fine.
I'm at the point where I realize
I might need glasses for reading.
You know what I'm saying.
So yeah.
So I had to make the hard decision
to stop reading.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
I got colors and shapes now
and I'm pretty good.
I have the basics.
I'm good.
(audience laughing)
I'm cool with getting older.
I knew I was getting older when I
started rooting against the kids
in scary movies.
(audience laughing)
Some of you all know what I'm
talking about, right?
Remember how you watch
Friday the 13th, Halloween teenagers
do something stupid or rebellious
but you still want them to make it.
You want them to live.
You're like run in the barn,
he's coming.
Run in the barn
And now I'm like, your mom and dad
told you not to leave the house.
(audience laughing)
This is school night.
You being disrespectful.
(audience laughing)
They're in the barn, Jason.
Go get them.
They're in the barn.
(audience laughing)
Spank them first they was drinking
too.
(audience laughing)
I'm cool with it.
But the downside to note
is that you get a point-- you get
to a point
where you realize your mind and body
aren't always on the same page.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God that's where I'm at now
you know what I'm saying.
And that's a hard place for dudes
to be.
I was playing basketball.
I went to block a shot
because my mind said Ty go block
that shot.
You can block that shot.
I went to block the shot my body was
like, hey.
(audience laughing)
Where are you going?
(audience laughing)
You didn't check with us
about blocking the shot.
(audience laughing)
What we can do
is let you twist the ankle
and hyperventilate.
We got you covered on that.
(audience laughing)
Because I played ball
with these 20-year-olds
and I don't know why it's dumb,
it's dumb.
Because first of all, the motivation
of a 20-year-old in the gym way
different than mine.
Way different than mine.
They walk in the gym,
they're working on being
the next LeBron.
They're working on being
the next Kobe.
I'm working on my cholesterol.
(audience laughing)
I had a donut last night, bro,
that's all.
I'm just trying to work it off.
It's all it is.
Just trying to sweat it out dude.
I'm not trying to--
ain't trying to win no championships
in here, OK?
(audience laughing)
And the recovery time.
Recovery time
of a 20-year-old miraculous.
Miraculous.
They can twist an ankle,
put a piece of gum on it
and be cool.
(audience laughing)
One kid last week broke his arm.
Broke his arm.
Ripped it off, grew another one.
(audience laughing)
I'm like same tattoo and everything?
(audience laughing)