(light music)
- Another boring day at Rachel's Place
when oh snap,
The Dragons.
Thugs on a mission to make teens spill fries
led by a young man rocking a chain
like a beauty pageant sash.
Dragon Deluxe requests a table because all this shoving
and chain wearing has the team hungry as heck.
Eddie tells them to get out
before they make this show interesting.
- And what if we don't?
- Then I'll have to get...
tough!
- Very convincing, Ed.
Laura says geeeet out.
But now the dragon leader isn't just hungry,
he's thirsty too.
His name is "Chain"
like Sting, Madonna,
or future Beyonce.
Laura throws up a sass force field.
But Chain is into the sass.
He invites her to a movie, but when she says no,
he goes in for a very sad chin squeeze.
Denied.
Chain doubles down on that chin squeeze.
Very sad.
Urkel is done playing.
He prepares for an ass beating, more specifically,
his.
But because Chain doesn't need a murder charge,
he has Venti Dragon hang Urkel
on Chicago's strongest coat stand.
And Rachel wants to know what the hell is going on.
Chain, mistaking this diner for a dating app,
swipes right on another hottie, even if she's a little old.
- Old?
- Oh no you did not.
Rachel says hit the road with that old shit.
Eddie has her back,
and Laura.
- And so does my friend Waldo!
- Waldo is not trying to die today.
Chain says they're being rude.
And when you're rude to customers, bad stuff happens.
Whoopsie daisy.
Rachel threatens to call the police,
the rudest shit you can do,
and Chain calls for some
synchronized whoopsie daisy-ing.
Enter Carl,
Carl says geeeeeeeet out!
Go read Lord Of The Rings or watch kung fu movies
or whatever the hell made you name your dumb gang
after mythical winged creatures.
Laura and Rachel are telling everyone the uneventful story.
Richie's demonstrating how he would've put his size three
velcroes up some dragon butt.
Ring ring, return of the snap.
The Dragons fucked Rachel's Place uuuup, boy.
Whoopsie Daisy city.
And these nerds had the audacity
to leave a doodle on the wall.
Rachel demands Carl arrest these doodlin' dorks.
Carl says he's gonna, but they'll be back on the streets
in five minutes when their friends come forward
with rock solid alibis that they were watching subs not dubs
anime at Terry's house.
- So these hoodlums can do whatever they want
and get away with it?
- Well I wouldn't go that far.
- I would.
- Uh, was Eddie standing outside the door,
waiting for just the right moment?
What a drama queen.
The Dragons fucked Eddie's face uuuuup, boy.
He says eight of them jumped him after his date
with an imaginary woman.
Then slapped him around,
like a car in a Street Fighter bonus level.
Carl is mad,
how mad?
Stool throwin' mad!
He wants street justice, but Urkel says
they're going to scream police brutality
and he'll lose his job as a cop.
Simpler times.
Steve says he knows a better way.
He'll wear a wire and go undercover to record a podcast.
Carl and Detective Whiteman will be his first subscribers.
The Dragons are debating whether to rob a movie theater
or a bowling alley, because these criminal masterminds
have the vision of bored nine year olds.
Urkel bursts in to their basement hang zone
slash stolen TV and keyboard depot.
He says it's their lucky day!
He wants in on that gang bang lifestyle.
And he's not the nerd they remember from eight hours ago.
He's crazy!
How crazy?
Spilling Cheetos everywhere crazy!
The guy in the mesh blouse is shook.
Meanwhile, in the mobile podcast studio,
Carl and his Copcausian accidentally
handcuff themselves together, who cares?
Urkel eyes the dragon tag and begins his snitchcast.
- Did you do that great dragon at Rachel's place?
- Yeah, did you see that?
- Busted.
- Oh and kudos to you on the great job you did
on smashing up the place.
- (laughs) Well, thank you.
- Busted.
- Were you together when you beat up the Winslow kid?
- Yeah, it was a team effort.
- You talk too much, get up!
- My how the busted tables have turned.
Chain knows something is up.
He used deductive reasoning to conclude
one of the two Urkels he met today is a phony.
And he's inclined to say it's this leather clad caricature
asking questions about crimes.
Why?
Because he's wired.
Urkel snitches on himself,
he is wired.
Come get 'em Carl!
Uh, Carl?
Ehhh, big guy?
And right when they're about to cut off his dick
and feed it to his ears, Carl and Sergeant Mayonnaise
save the day.
Hiding their handcuffed hands
with a very funny walk, wow who cares.
And the fam toasts Urkel, because now the Dragons
will be playing DnD in prison for cigarettes.
So what did we learn today?
If a gang comes in to your restaurant for cheeseburgers,
maybe just give them cheeseburgers.
Because when you're rude to customers,
whoopsie daisies happen.
And the ruder you are, the bigger the whoopsie daisy.
And don't talk tough to gangs because they will
smack your shit into next Wednesday.
And don't confess your many gang crimes
to any bozo who walks through the door.
And if you're undercover looking like fifth place
in a George Michael lookalike contest,
do not snitch on yourself.
Because the cavalry might wait one second too long
and you will get your dick cut off.
And NEVER call someone named Aunt Rachel old,
or she will call the cops.
See you next time on A Very Special Episode.