>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO! WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, HAVE A SEAT.
BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER -- THANKS TO THE CAST OF
"TED LASSO" FOR BEING HERE TONIGHT!
THEY'RE ALWAYS HERE, BUT THANK YOU FOR BEING ON CAMERA TONIGHT.
THANKS, YOU GUYS. FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME
SOURCING THE FINEST HIGHLAND NEWS BARLEY, FERMENTING IT
IN THE WATERS OF TARLOGIE SPRINGS AND HAVING IT
DISTILLED BY THE LEGENDARY "MEN OF TAIN" AND FINISHED
IN OAK CASKS TO CREATE THE DELICATELY COMPLEX
GLENMORANGIE GRAND VINTAGE SINGLE MALT THAT IS
MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES I SNAP AWAKE
IN A POND BEHIND AN ABANDONED MIDDLE SCHOOL CAFETERIA,
CRUSH UP SOME OLD BANANA PEELS AND SWEDISH FISH IN
A BROKEN "DORA THE EXPLORER" LUNCH PAIL WHICH I STEW
IN STORM DRAIN RUNOFF, THEN POUR INTO A DISCARDED
NIKE AIR MAX TO OFFER YOU THE SWAMP HOOCH OF NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT ♪ ♪
"MEANWHILE." WEEO DOGGIE.
MEANWHILE, NEWS FROM FLORIDA'S POORLY WRITTEN FAN-FICTION,
ARIZONA, WHERE "A LOCAL DAIRY QUEEN IS ON THE HUNT FOR THEIR
MISSING RED SPOON STATUE." THE SPOON IS 15 FEET TALL AND
SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS CAUGHT TWO PEOPLE SEEN GRABBING IT
AND TAKING OFF ON A "SMALL MOTORBIKE."
WAIT A SECOND, WAS THE MOTORBIKE SMALL?
OR DID IT JUST SEEM THAT WAY 'CAUSE OF THE GIANT SPOON?
[LAUGHTER] MEANWHILE, OVER THE WEEKEND,
"HUNDREDS OF CASES OF BEER SPILLED IN A MONTANA
TRAIN DERAILMENT." WELL, I GUESS WE WERE DUE.
THE RULE IS, EVERY TEN TRAIN DERAILMENTS, WE GET
A FUN ONE. THE TRAIN SPILLED HUNDREDS OF
CASES OF BEER INTO THIS LOCAL RIVER, INCLUDING A WHOLE
BUNCH OF COORS LIGHT. BUT AUTHORITIES SAY THE WATER
IS FINE. AND SO IS THE RIVER.
[LAUGHTER] MEANWHILE, LEVI'S IS GOING
TO START USING A.I. MODELS. LEVI'S SAYS THEY'RE DOING THIS
TO "INCREASE THE NUMBER AND DIVERSITY OF MODELS
FOR THEIR PRODUCTS," ADDING "WE CAME THIS CLOSE TO ACTUALLY
HIRING AND PAYING DIVERSE MODELS, BUT THEN WE DECIDED
TO HAVE A MACBOOK PRO MAKE SOME. DON'T WORRY, WE GAVE A RAISE
TO THE WHITE GUY WHO THOUGHT OF IT."
[LAUGHTER] MEANWHILE, IN ROMANTIC NEWS,
AT LAST WEEK'S OPENING DODGERS GAME,
A FAN DECIDED TO PROPOSE TO HIS GIRLFRIEND BY RUNNING OUT
ONTO THE FIELD. THERE HE IS, IT'S ALL VERY
ROMANTIC, THE CROWD WAS CHEERING, AND...
OH! [LAUGHTER]
BACHELOR PARTY IN THE I.C.U.! DON'T WORRY, THEY FOUND
THE RING. THEY'RE STILL LOOKING
FOR HIS TEETH. MEANWHILE, IN GOOD SAMARITAN
NEWS, AFTER AN UBER DRIVER PICKED UP HIS CUSTOMER AT
A DIALYSIS CENTER AND HEARD THEIR STORY, THE DRIVER DONATED
HIS KIDNEY TO THE PASSENGER. WOW.
SOMEBODY REALLY WANTED FIVE STARS.
[LAUGHTER] MEANWHILE, IN MICHIGAN,
A BABY WAS BORN IN THE PARKING LOT OF A COSTCO.
JUST ONE? YOU'RE AT COSTCO.
GET TRIPLETS. OTHERWISE IT'S NOT A DEAL.
EVERYONE IS FINE. EVIDENTLY WHAT HAPPENED
WAS THE COUPLE WAS ON THEIR WAY TO THE HOSPITAL WHEN THEY
REALIZED THEY WOULD NOT MAKE IT IN TIME, SO THEY PULLED OVER
IN THE PARKING LOT OF THE COSTCO AND CONTACTED E.M.S.
THAT'S CRAZY. THEY FOUND PARKING AT COSTCO
ON A SATURDAY? [LAUGHTER]
MOM AND BABY ARE DOING WELL AND WERE TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL
TO RECOVER, BUT ONLY AFTER A COSTCO ASSOCIATE CHECKED
THEIR RECEIPT. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
SPORTS COMMENTATOR STEPHEN A. SMITH.