- [Narrator] Whether you're a full-on Swifty
or an occasional listener,
you have to admit, Taylor Swift's new album,
"Midnights," relates to almost everyone
in some way or another.
The single "Anti-Hero has a line that really inspired us.
In the song, Taylor sings,
"Did you hear my covert narcissism
I disguise as altruism like some kind
of congressman, tale as old as time."
Now, psychologist Dr. Ramani
did a breakdown of Taylor's "Anti-Hero" music video
and mentioned that Taylor may not be using
the term covert narcissism correctly,
but this lyric got us thinking.
Do narcissists disguise their narcissism as kindness?
How do they do this and what can we look out for?
In 1987, then 1992, David Buss led two studies
to determine the different manipulation tactics.
His research revealed that there are six most common tactics
used to manipulate others.
So without further ado, here are six signs someone
is faking kindness
and masking narcissism based on Buss' studies.
Let's go.
Give 'em the old razzle dazzle.
One of our writers used to work
at a bank and gave us some really cool insight.
While you're working, you have to keep an eye out
for everyone who might rob the bank.
They're told to look out for overly shy, overly rude
and overly nice people.
What?
Yeah, in Buss' studies, charm was one
of the most common manipulation tactics used on others.
Essentially, the manipulator fakes good
or is overly nice to distract you
from what's really going on.
Back to the bank robber example.
It may not be the classic black ski mask
and sacks of cash scenario we're used to,
but what if a customer is overly nice
to a teller to distract them
from noticing he gave her a fake ID?
This can also be a sign of a narcissist faking kindness.
It's a ploy to distract you from their selfish priorities.
Mom.
A lot of parents tell us,
if you don't have anything nice to say,
don't say anything at all.
Well, when does that go too far?
Sometimes people will remain completely silent
and won't even respond even if directly addressed.
This is famously known as the silent treatment,
which is a second manipulation tactic Buss found.
The 1998 study on the silent treatment defines the tactic
as composed of mostly avoidance and eye contact, an absence
of verbal communication.
During the study, participants were asked to list behaviors
that happened while giving
or receiving the silent treatment.
The researchers found
that when receiving the silent treatment,
their participants felt
that their need to belong, their self-esteem, their control
and their status were all at risk with the person
giving the silent treatment.
Now, add the narcissist.
They understand this and use this silent treatment
as a tactic to make others look to them for hits
of dopamine, like being included or getting approval.
This in turn, helps boost
the narcissist's self-inflating ego.
With a cherry on top.
Do you remember when you were a kid
and you really wanted to convince your parents
to do something?
What did you do?
You pulled out all the stops to convince them.
So your friend is having a party
and you want permission to sleep over afterwards.
You might remind them how you haven't asked
for anything in months, been doing all the chores,
are passing all of your classes,
and even how you've been responsible
while driving the family car.
You might even promise to help out
with some extra stuff around the house just to be safe.
This is similar to something narcissists use
to manipulate others called coercion,
which is Buss' third tactic.
Coercion is defined by the APA dictionary
as the process of attempting to influence another person
through the use of threats, punishment, force,
direct pressure, and other negative forms of power.
So instead of giving reasons why someone should
or shouldn't do something,
they're basically making the person feel bad
about themselves or blackmailing them
in some way just to get what you want.
This might look like a narcissistic parent saying
you won't help your mother bring in the groceries.
Fine, I'll take care of it myself, and when I'm done,
you'll remember that you didn't help.
Dark, I know, but this is a common tactic narcissists use
to sneak around boundaries
and still get that yes from you.
It just makes sense.
There are a lot of logic-based personalities out there.
Check out our video
on the MBTI personality types broken down
to learn more about them.
Sometimes narcissists can lean on logic
to reason with someone and manipulate them.
This is Buss' fourth tactic.
Let's go back to our buddy, the bank robber.
Instead of slipping the teller a fake ID,
he decides on doing a full on heist, but he needs a partner.
He asks a friend, Leon,
who immediately and rightfully, I might add, said no.
To reason with Leon,
the robber says that Leon will be able to pay off his debt,
his bills, and move into a bigger home for his family.
Now, is this true?
Not necessarily, and especially not if they get caught
but it is reasonable to say that if you have a lot of money,
you can pay off debt and bills.
High risk, high reward.
That reasoning is how the robber is manipulating Leon.
A narcissist can do the same to get what they'd like
from you, especially if you're a sensible, logical person.
Back in time.
If you watched "How I Met Your Mother,"
you know Barney Stinson loved a good challenge
to pick up a lady.
One challenge he took on was picking up a girl
at a bar while talking and acting like a literal infant.
Depending on who you are, this might be your deal.
No king shaming here.
But if your partner is acting like a baby
as a way to get what they want, that's a different story.
Psychologist Sigmund Freud discovered this phenomenon
of regression and found this is an unconscious reversion
to an earlier time in life.
It can be either temporary or long term.
This is a defense mechanism to help cope
with more difficult emotions and situations rather
than working through them in a healthy manner.
This could look like a narcissist whining
and raising their voice to manipulate you
into dropping the argument.
This is the second to last tactic discovered by Buss.
You won't believe the last one.
Now, it's personal.
The final tactic Buss uncovered is debasement,
which is a fancy way of saying bringing you down.
If a narcissist using debasement
to manipulate wrote "Anti-Hero,"
the chorus might be it's you.
Hi. You are the problem.
It's you.
Whether it's making fun
of their appearance, their opinions, their hobbies,
the narcissist will use anything and everything they can
against you to make you feel small and bring you down.
The narcissist logic is that if you feel not good enough
or lesser than,
you'll see them as superior and follow or listen to them.
Think Regina George from "Mean Girls."
She kept everyone close enough so they knew
that they were in the inner circle,
but she'd insult them every so often
so they continued doing things
for her and seeking her approval.
Taylor says she can't look directly in the mirror
but she just called out her biggest flaws
and insecurities for millions to hear.
Thanks, Taylor for showing us
how important self-reflection is.
Now, all of this isn't to say that true kindness
doesn't exist out there.
We're simply bringing light to the fact
that narcissists can take your kindness
for granted or use it for their benefit.
This is why it's so important to learn
how to differentiate true and forced kindness.
Are there any other telltale signs
of a narcissist faking kindness that we didn't mention?
Tell us below.
If you made it to the end of this video,
drop a hero emoji in the comments.
As always, keep your eye
on site for more Psych2Go content.
Until next time.