- I'm not a very smart man. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I recently discovered that, for all intents and purposes,
I don't know the difference between science and magic.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I get the idea, like, you take something in science,
like photosynthesis, I understand the idea behind it,
sun shines down on the plant, chlorophyll, plant gets tall,
but that sounds like witchcraft to me
and I feel you should be burned at the stake for it.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] [applause]
- And I think that my issue was that I grew up watching
that television show, "The Magic School Bus."
- AUDIENCE: [cheering] - No!
Don't you woo for that piece of shit show!
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] - It was a show about science
with the word "Magic" in the title.
How was I supposed to learn anything?
'Cause they didn't explain shit on that show.
They were just like,
"Hey, kids, let's hop on this magical LSD bus,
"it's gonna speed around three times,
now we're inside the body of a 35-year-old man!"
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] - That's not science,
it's sex trafficking, and it's a fucking crime.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
[cheering and applause]
- I watch a lot of television. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Obviously. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- One of my favorite shows to watch on TV
is "The Wire."
- AUDIENCE: [cheering and applause]
- I like "The Wire" so much, it's such a good show.
My only problem with "The Wire" is that they have
this big fat guy on there, right?
And that's not the problem,
I love to see my people on television.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] - The issue is that this fat guy
eats like an idiot and it makes me so mad!
Like, he'll be eating a cheeseburger
like he's never had one before.
Right? And he's got pickles falling off onto his tits.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] - And he's licking mustard
off of his fat wrists. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And it bothers me so much 'cause fat people
don't eat like that, we don't eat like that, like--
What about this body type tells you
that I don't eat efficiently?
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- You gotta understand, if you give me two eggs,
I will eat the eggs, the shells, the chicken they came from,
burn down the coop and shoot the farmer,
I don't fuck around. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
[cheering and applause]
- Another one of my favorite shows to watch
is "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood."
- AUDIENCE: [cheering and applause]
- I like that show not because of the content so much,
I just love that title.
I think it's a gangster thing to say, like,
it's not his block or his street,
it's his neighborhood.
Like Mr. Rogers runs that bitch.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- 'Cause you know who runs neighborhoods?
It's the Crips, the Bloods, Mr. Rogers,
and that's basically it. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Feel like it sounds like a scary place to be,
like, at night time. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Can you imagine being in Mr. Rogers' neighborhood
at like, four o'clock in the morning?
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- They got hand puppets on the corner getting wasted.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- There's a pair of panty loafers hanging
from the telephone wires. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Can you imagine getting beat up
in Mr. Rogers' neighborhood? - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Just a bunch of gangsters running up on you, like,
"Oh, shit, this nigger can't make believe?!"
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "I thought you knew the dress code
was cardigan sweaters, homie!"
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Hey, guys, thank you so much, I'm David Gborie.
I really appreciate it.
- [cheering and applause]