[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY
SHOW".
MY NAME IS JON STEWART.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WE'RE BACK.
THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.
OUR GUEST TONIGHT OH, SHE PUTS THE HUFF IN HUFFPO.
ARIANNA HUFFINGTON WILL BE OUR GUEST TONIGHT.
BUT FIRST, FOR WEEKS THE BIG STORY HAS BEEN THE MISSING
MALAYSIA AIRLINES FLIGHT. TODAY SATELLITE DATA SEEMS TO
HAVE CONFIRMED THE WORST. I THINK WE ALL FEARED THIS STORY
WOULD END IN TRAGEDY, AND SO EARLY ON WE TURNED TO THE NEWS
MEDIA FOR A SENSE OF SOBER CLARITY.
>> AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS IN SOUTHEAST ASIA HAVE LOST CONTACT
WITH A JUMBO JET CARRYING 239 PEOPLE.
WE'RE OF COURSE DOING ALL WE CAN TO GET AS MANY DETAILS AS
POSSIBLE FROM OUR SOURCES AROUND THE REGIONS AND THE WORLD.
>> Jon: THIS ACCURATE AND HUMBLE ASSESSMENT FROM CNN UNTIL
THEY REALIZED OH, (bleep) WE HAVE 23 HOURS AND 59 MINUTES
LEFT TO FILL.
[ LAUGHTER ] (bleep) IT LET'S GO NUTS.
AND THEY DID.
WITH EVERYTHING IN THEIR BAG OF TRICKS.
GIANT FLOOR MAPS.
BIG FAKE AIRPLANES.
LITTLE FAKE AIRPLANES.
HOLOGRAPHIC AIRPLANES.
NO AIRPLANE DETAIL LEFT UNSPOKEN.
>> A PLANE LIKE THIS IS AROUND 61, 62 METERS END TO END.
61-62 SIDE TO SIDE.
>> Jon: YOU ARE TELLING THEM WHAT A PLANE LOOKS LIKE?
[LAUGHTER] DID YOU FORGET WHO WATCHES CNN?
YOU COULD TELL 90% OF YOUR VIEWERS LOOK OUT THE AIRPORT
WINDOW AT THE PLANE THEY ARE ABOUT TO GET ON.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT, OF COURSE --
[ APPLAUSE ] THERE'S A SAYING CNN IS POPULAR
AT AIRPORTS.
[LAUGHTER] OF COURSE MAN DOES NOT LIVE BY HOLOGRAM
ALONE. GIVE ME A SIX BOX, FLANK IT, NOW STUPID ME.
>> PEOPLE ARE ASKING ABOUT BLACK
HOLES AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ALL OF THESE CONSPIRACY THEORIES
NOHA SAYS WHAT ELSE CAN YOU THINK? BLACK HOLE? BERMUDA
TRIANGLE? AND THEN DEJI SAYS IT'S JUST LIKE THE MOVIE LOST.
I KNOW IT'S PREPOSTEROUS BUT IS IT PREPOSTEROUS, DO YOU THINK,
MARY?
[LAUGHTER] >> Jon: DON'T ANSWER, MARY
IT'S A TRAP.
[ LAUGHTER ] SOME SORT OF WEIRD BERMUDA TRIANGLE
OF LOGIC WHERE QUESTIONS ARE ANSWERED BEFORE THEY ARE ASKED.
[LAUGHTER] >> A SMALL BLACK HOLE WOULD SUCK
IN OUR ENTIRE UNIVERSE.
SO WE KNOW IT'S NOT THAT.
THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE IS OFTEN WEATHER AND LOST IS A TV SHOW.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jon: WELL --
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] -- I KNOW IT'S A TV SHOW BUT IS
IT, MARY?
[LAUGHTER] LOOK AT ME, MARY.
MARY, LOOK AT ME!
[LAUGHTER] IS IT?
[LAUGHTER] YOU HAVE TO DRIVE ALL THE WAY
DOWN TO THE STUDIO, MARY, LEVEL WITH ME, MARY.
[ LAUGHTER ] WOW, DID THAT LOWER THE BAR,
CNN.
BUT I THINK YOU CAN GO LOWER.
>> INVESTIGATORS SOMETIMES USE PSYCHICS.
WHY HASN'T ANYONE CONSIDERED THE SERVICES OF A CREDIBLE PSYCHIC
SPECIALIZING IN MISSING PERSONS?
IT SOUNDS INCREDIBLE BUT THEY HAVE BEEN USED BEFORE.
>> Jon: YEAH, WHILE WE'RE AT IT WHY NOT USE THAT OCTOPUS THAT
ALWAYS PREDICTS THE WORLD CUP VICTOR?
WHY DON'T WE STRAP SOME WINGS TO WOLF BLITZER AND LET HIM LOOSE
BECAUSE IN ORDER TO CATCH A PLANE YOU MUST BECOME A PLANE.
[LAUGHTER] CNN'S MISSING AIRLINE OBSESSION
NOT ONLY DOUBLED THEIR PRIMETIME RATINGS IT ITSELF BECAME NEWS
BECAUSE THE ONLY THING LESS LIKELY THAN AN AIRPLANE
DISAPPEARING OUT OF THE SKY IS CNN'S RATINGS DOUBLING.
>> SPECULATION HAS BEEN REPLACING HARD FACTS IN NEWS
COVERAGE EARLIER THIS WEEK CNN ANCHOR DON LEMON
BROUGHT UP THE THEORY SOMETHING QUOTE SUPERNATURAL
COULD BE AT PLAY.
>> THE NETWORK IS IN DIRE RATINGS TROUBLE.
THEY GET A PULSE.
OKAY.
SO THE EXECUTIVES ORDER YOU GUYS HAVE TO DO THIS WALL TO WALL.
>> Jon: YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL O'REILLY OR FOX'S COVERAGE OF
CNN'S OVER COVERAGE WILL BE COVERED -- BY CNN. NEWS LOOP!
>> WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF BILL O'REILLY SPEAKING WAY HE
DID? >> I THINK HE IS NERVOUS BECAUSE
HE LOST IN THE DEMO THE YOUNGER VIEWERSHIP THREE NIGHTS
IN A ROW LAST WEEK AND HE STARTED GETTING NERVOUS.
>> Jon: WE ALL KNOW MOST OF O'REILLY'S YOUNGER VIEWERS ARE
COMING INTO THE ROOM TO MAKE SURE THEIR GRANDPARENTS ARE
STILL BREATHING.
[ LAUGHTER ] I DON'T --
[LAUGHTER] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I THINK IT DOESN'T COUNT, ONCE THEY PUT THEIR HAND ON THE
CHEST, DOES THAT COUNT?