- Why do relationships that start so well, fall apart?
Well, there's one mistake that people often make,
and I'm going to show you how to avoid
making that same mistake in your relationship.
So here's the biggest mistake we make.
We expect our partner to be psychic, to be a clairvoyant,
to know what we're feeling,
to know what we're thinking and to know what we need.
And I see many people do this.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"You seem a bit upset."
"No, I'm fine."
Everything in your body language is saying, "I'm upset,"
but you expect your partner to know why you're upset
when you haven't even told them.
And when you're in a heterosexual relationship,
it's even more confusing because men expect
their female partner to act like a guy
and women often expect the male to act like a female.
One of my clients came in and said,
"I can never make my wife happy.
"I come in at the end of the day
"and she starts to tell me what's happened.
The dog was sick.
The daughter forgot her lunchbox, the boss..
And he goes, "Oh, well, what I would have done then"
"is you know, you need to have that lunch box
"by the front door.
"You need to explain,
"you need to explain to your boss."
And she said, "I don't want that.
"Why does he try to fix it when I just want him to hear?"
And I said, "You know what?
"You got to become her best girlfriend.
"You've got to say things like this... "Oh, I hate that for you."
He said, "Really?"
I said, "Yeah.
"She is looking to know that you have heard her.
"So when she gives the list, the dog ran away.
"The daughter forgot the lunchbox.
"Her boss at work was so mean.
"Don't offer solutions, become her best girlfriend go,
"'Baby, I hate that for you.
"'That's horrible.'"
And he said, "Wow,"
came back, said, "I never knew that.
"Just going, 'Oh, Oh,'
"becoming like a girlfriend to my wife.
"It's amazing."
Some of you might say, "Well, I'm never going to do that."
But for him, it really worked.
I had a situation many, many, many years ago,
my father was ill.
He'd had a surgery and he nearly died under anesthetics.
They had to do it again.
And there was a big chance,
he wouldn't survive.
And I had to call him and effectively say, "Goodbye," to him.
And I was psyching myself up for this call
and I was very emotional.
And then when I picked up the phone,
my then partner just left and went to play golf.
I'm like, "Wow, he is not my partner anymore.
"I'm feeling vulnerable, sad, and emotional.
"And his response is to go and play golf.
"What a cold, mean, horrible, nasty person."
When he came back,
I said, "How could you do that?"
He went, "Oh, I thought you'd really appreciate
"being left alone.
"Because me, if I was about to have that conversation
"with my dad and I'd be tearful as a man,
"I wouldn't want anyone around.
"So I left as an act of kindness to cope with your grief
"without being humiliated."
See what went on there?
He did what a man would do.
And I wanted to do what a girl would do.
And there's a disconnect.
And in all of these disconnections we go,
"He doesn't care."
"She doesn't care."
"They didn't care," when really
they're doing what they think you want them to do
or what they would like you to do to them.
And I see that in sex a lot of women say,
"I want you to stroke my hair and stroke my arm."
Men are like, "Just grab me in the crotch.
"That's what I really want.
"So I'll just grab you in the crotch."
And women are like, "What?
"That's not what I want.
"Where's my seduction?"
But you have to come at it even in same sex relationships.
So my husband told me,
"Darling, I can only shop up for two hours."
I'm like, "Great, two hours,
"That's good."
So we go to a shop and he said, "Let's have lunch first."
We have lunch.
Then he goes, "Okay, got 30 minutes left to shop."
I'm like, "No, that's not right,
"I thought we had two hours of shopping?"
"No, we have two hours, park the car go for lunch,
and whatever time is left is to shop."
So now I went, right,
we'll do that.
We're going to shop first now.
And when we finish shopping,
we go, "Oh, look, we've got 15 minutes for lunch,"
but that's our deal.
So we just have to constantly explain.
I love it when my husband goes out for the whole evening
because I love time to myself.
He'll go out.
And I just got my box set,
I'm on the phone to my girlfriends,
he comes back.
"I thought I'd come back early."
I'm like, "No, I was just getting my whole evening started."
He loves company,
doesn't ever like to be alone.
I love being alone sometimes.
So I have to explain to him, "When you're out,
"please don't come back early for me,
"come back early for you.
"I love the whole evening to myself."
So the first thing is to understand, is your partner
doing what they think you want them to do?
Because that's what they want you to do to them.
The second is to not think,
"Well, if they are doing that,
"they're doing it to hurt me.
"They've forgotten my birthday.
"They didn't care.
"They bought me a really cheap gift.
"And that's all I mean to them,
"they're not celebrating the way I want to celebrate."
And the only way you can get this mistake to go away
is to really set up a dialogue.
"Okay, we're together.
"My birthday's really important.
"If you say we have an hour together to talk
"and you're looking at your phone
"or scrolling through your emails,
"that's not an hour together.
"If you say we're going out or you're cooking dinner
"to have a lovely evening,
"leave all the dishes everywhere
"and go to bed and don't do anything.
"It doesn't work."
I said to my husband, one day,
"You know when we're downstairs occasionally you go,
"I'm going to bed," and you just get up and go to bed.
"And then I have to lock all the doors and windows
"and I don't feel protected.
"I want you to always lock up.
"So I feel you're concerned about my safety."
He loved that.
He now he's like a man protecting me,
now every night he checks all the doors.
And because I told him nicely,
"Baby, when you just get off the sofa and go to bed,
"I didn't feel cared about
"you leave me to lock all the doors."
But I said it in a nice way.
And now he understands it's not important to him.
Very important to me.
So sit down with your partner and talk.
Because you know what I see happen? People go,
"He's not the right person."
"She's not the right person."
"They don't meet my needs.
"They don't know what I want.
"They don't understand me."
You know what they do?
Upgrade them, swipe left, get someone new.
We get rid of people.
We get rid of our phone
and it's so easy to start again.
But all my clients that do that,
say, "You know what happened?
"I got a new partner
"and the same problems happened with a new one.
"They were just as bad as the last one,
"just as unthinking, just as uncaring, just as insensitive."
And I'm like, "Oh, do you think there's a pattern here?"
Do you know for most people,
not all, but for most,
it's actually easier to make
an existing relationship better,
to make an existing relationship work
than to go for a new one and take the same problems.
The same belief that they're clever
and that the right person knows what to do in bed,
knows what you want to eat.
And sometimes people do things that they think are really
okay and they go out
and buy you weird underwear you'd never wear,
perfume that you think is disgusting,
chocolates when you're on a diet, they bring home pizza,
when you're starving yourself.
And you go, "This person doesn't care,"
but they don't understand.
I had the funniest experience,
I had to have a hysterectomy five years ago,
my husband turned up the next morning with my laptop
and said, "I thought you might want to answer emails."
I'm like, "Are you serious?"
I'd just had major surgery,
in fact I went home that day.
I felt great.
And I did laugh that he brought my laptop in
because he thought I might want to work.
He knows how much I'm always on my computer.
Always answering emails, but not that day.
But you know what?
If he'd had surgery,
he would be on his laptop probably an hour later
because he loves working.
But you see, I had to realize he wasn't trying to hurt me.
It wasn't offensive.
He truly thought it would give me immense pleasure
to open my laptop and start answering emails.
One of my clients did that an hour after she gave birth,
she answered emails because she wanted that.
I can't think of anything worse than that.
So please don't make this mistake early in a relationship.
Don't pretend, "I like what you like."
Don't say, "Oh,
"I keep that to myself."
Tell people what you want.
I never forget seeing a client once
and he said, "I dated this girl last month
"and she sent me a message and
"she said, 'You didn't try hard enough in bed.
"'I don't want to see you again.'
"What a woman.
"I'm seeing her again.
"She really put me in my place."
He said, "I like that.
"She's going to make me work so hard."
Most people would think, "I could never write to
a guy and go, "Hey, you didn't try hard enough in bed.
"You're toast."
But she did.
And he loved that because she told him what she needed
more effort in bed,
more courtesy to her and make it all about her.
And he found that so sexy and a challenge.
He was absolutely going to meet. Many women think,
"Oh, I better not say what I want.
"I don't want to be seen as difficult.
"I don't want to be seen as demanding.
"Why don't I pretend I'm so easily pleased
"and I'll make you happy."
It doesn't work even early on, tell them what your needs are.
Tell them what your desires are.
And if you think,
"My partner's forgetting, it's my birthday.
"They're not mentioning it.
"They're going to forget my birthday
"because they don't care."
Why don't you change
that and go, "Hey, you know what?
"They love me.
"They want to celebrate my birthday.
"I'm going to tell them,
"'Hey, it's my birthday next Thursday.
"'I know you want to do something amazing.
"'So let me give you some ideas of what I want.'"
A few years ago,
I realized my daughter didn't remember my birthday.
She was talking about Wednesday, which was my birthday
and I could have thought, "Right, she's going to forget,
"I'm going to let her forget and then tell her off and go,
"'You didn't even remember my birthday'
and create so much drama instead, I took a breath,
and I said, "It's my birthday."
And when she went,
"Oh yeah, of course it is what shall we do?"
And we had a great day
because I pulled back from "You've forgotten,
"let me sit this out and then let me go after you
"with hurt and anger and disappointment,"
it was easier just to tell her,
so please don't do that.
We've all done it,
tell people what you want,
tell people what you need.
Be honest about your feelings.
When someone disappoints you say, "You know,
"I'm disappointed.
"I was upset.
"I was hurt by..."
Don't say, "You made me feel unimportant.
"You forgot.
"You didn't... When you are always late to pick me up,
"I know you don't care about me,"
rather than, "I know you care about me
"and if you could just pick me up on time,
"I would feel even more cared about."
I could have said to my husband,
"When you go bed and don't even lock the door,
"you don't care about me."
I said, "I know you care about me
"and you can show me how much you care
"about my safety by always locking the doors
"before you go to bed."
He does.
So try starting that.
"I know you care about me.
"I know you want to make this work.
"I know you're invested in both of us being happy.
"This is what I need."
Share your needs.
Share your wants, share your desires.
Remember your partner is not psychic, is not clairvoyant.
And they're only going to know what you want and need
when you tell them,
after all, if you said to a friend or a child,
"Hey, what do you want for your birthday?"
And they go, "Well, what I really want is that game boy
"or that, I'd love to go to a theme park.
"I'd love to go shopping.
"I'd love to go for lunch."
You give them what they want.
It doesn't make the day worse.
I say to my daughter every year,
"What do you want for your birthday?"
And she tells me and I provide it and it's better
because I know what she wants.
I say to my husband,
"What do you want?"
He wants a book, just a book.
If he bought me just a book on my birthday,
it would not be a happy day,
but he knows I don't have the same desire you have for me.
Birthdays are a big deal.
Christmas is a big deal.
It's not the thought that counts
because I didn't want a book.
I'd like flowers.
I'm going to tell you what I want.
And here's where the "thought that counts" really goes wrong,
many people think, "I'll buy my partner a washing machine
"she said she wants one. I'll buy her a sewing machine,
"I'll buy her a vacuum cleaner."
Domestic appliances are not gifts for Christmas or birthday.
One of my clients bought his wife a subscription
to the sports channel,
saying, "I thought you might find some yoga classes on there.
She's like, "No, no, no, no.
"You're going to find lots of football.
"That's not a gift that I want.
"You can have that gift,
"but you still need to get me a gift."
So the thought counts
when you think what your wife would really want
or your husband would really want
and don't make it any kind of domestic appliance,
unless they've told you,
"I would love a lawnmower for Christmas."
If they haven't told you that
don't get them a power washer,
unless you know, they really want one, especially for women,
appliances are work, they're not gifts.
Unless they say, "I'd love that dishwasher for Christmas."
Don't even go there.
It is the thought that counts,
but not the thought of a book from Amazon.
But he loves a little book.
Something that costs $5, will thrill him.
Doesn't thrill me because we're different.
But we both completely understand each other's needs.
In fact, my daughter's godmother said to me,
"I buy your daughter amazing gifts for my birthday
"and you don't do the same."
And I didn't think it was a two way transaction,
but I heard her.
And then I started to buy her great gifts.
Another of my clients said,
"My partner gives me my gift in a carrier bag,
"never wraps it up.
"And I had to say to him, "You know, I like it wrapped with ribbons."
And of course underneath that fear of,
"I don't want to tell you what I really want.
"I don't want to share what I really need
"in case you reject me,"
because of course our greatest fear is being rejected.
You can't show someone who you are
and can't have the relationship you want,
because you're not being yourself,
you end up rejecting yourself.
Nobody can reject you without your consent.
And if the person would reject you
because you are sharing your needs, they're not your person,
the right person will never reject you.
In fact, they'll go out of their way
to understand your needs
because you've got the confidence to express them so nicely,
so eloquently with the knowledge
that you are worthy of expressing your needs
and having them met and your partner of course
is worthy of expressing their needs
and having them understood and mostly met.
One of my clients told me that every year,
her husband gave her for Christmas,
a red Poinsettia with a $50 bill in it,
and one year she threw the whole thing on the floor,
locked herself in the toilet and said, "That's it."
She also said that every year he gave her the same card
he gave the year before and thought that was good
because he's into recycling.
And she said, "I'm about to recycle you.
"If you recycle that card for one more year,
"you're going to be recycled."
And then he didn't do it anymore.
He realized, "She wants a new card with a new message,
"not the same one, not a jokey message."
She told him what she wanted.
He never again gave her a plant with $50
tucked into the soil.
He never again recycled the card
because she told him. She went through a lot of pain first
but when she told him he immediately met her needs
because she told him what her needs were.
Work out your needs,
feel comfortable sharing them.
Don't dismiss someone who doesn't understand you.
If you haven't taken the time to let them understand you
by showing them who you are,
what you need,
what you want.
Be honest.
And remember we like people who show their vulnerability
and we don't connect to people who appear to be perfect.
In relationships, vulnerability is good.
I was having lunch with a lovely couple the other day
and she said, "You know what he said to me?
"I thought I'd never find someone again.
"You, you're gorgeous.
"You're everything." She said, "Can you imagine this lovely man
"thinking he would never find love again?"
He was vulnerable when he told her, that she loved him more.
The basis of friendship and relationships,
we like people who share our values
and we dislike people who appear perfect
and who never express their needs.
And then we never get the joy of meeting them.
So if you would love to explore how to attract
and maintain your perfect relationship, grow in love,
just click the link in the description below.
And I wish you a joyful, happy, loving,
wonderful relationship where you express your needs
and guess what? They get met.