(introductory music)
- Hi, Jonathon.
- Hi, Margaret.
- I really want a khaleesi braid.
- Freshly diddled hair.
- Ooh, like she got this week.
- We have so much to kiki about, girl.
- Okay!
(introductory music)
- So my homegirl Munch-Munch is in her jail cell
and she's trying to get to the bottom
of her champion situation.
- [Margaret] And long in the tooth Liam Neeson,
all he cares about is his new duster from Hot Topic.
And that muzzle bear? He was angry.
- Oh my god, she was suffering from such a severe
case of roid rage.
She would be such a good top.
- [Margaret] Or a really bossy bottom.
Blancho comes in, she's got this real muppety quality,
you know, she's got a hand up her skirt,
like she's getting fisted while she's walking down.
- [Jonathon] So then Baby Kristen Stewart
and Dog the Bounty Hunter were having
their paper moon moment, you know?
Because he taught her how to stab someone in the heart.
- [Margaret] I can't believe that guy's name was Rouge.
- What's your name.
- Rouge.
- [Jonathon] I mean, honestly, her drag mother
must have been drunk when she named her that.
- [Margaret] And then Jimmy Page is all over Jon Snow,
serving him landlord realness,
no pets, no smoking, no hibatchi.
- [Jonathon] So then, busted Josh Grobin
sneakily saunters in to Christina Aguilera's hotel room.
- Take off your clothes.
- [Jonathon] You know, for me, that's not
how I would've handled that situation,
I would have like been so verbal about it,
I would have just like let my tushy do the talking.
- I bet she pegged him.
- Pegging, what's that?
- Pegging is like when, if you're a girl,
and you're boyfriend wants to get fucked,
you put on a strap-on dildo and you fuck him up the ass
and it's pegging.
- Who taught-- you are so smart.
- I know, it's amazing.
- [Jonathon] And then, whilst doing the walk of shame,
busted Josh Grobin runs into Sir Carlyle.
- [Margaret] Oh I call him "Out of Africa."
- [Jonathon] Oh my god, I can totally see that.
- [Margaret] And evil Red Riding Hood
is taking a steampunk bath.
- [Jonathon] And she was unveiling
her deviant Lush collection,
sidebar, I'm usually not a breast man,
but I really liked the way her boobs laid
in that bathtub, they were like, "Hey girl."
So then, Hot Pie is giving Podrick and Tilda a pie
and she will not stop talking about this hideous gravy.
- Don't get me started on the gravy.
You cannot give up on the gravy. No gravy, no pie.
- [Margaret] So then Hot Pie comes up with all this intel.
- What about your kidney pie?
- Oh yeah.
- [Margaret] And Tilda is like,
"Queen, 140 characters or less."
- [Jonathon] So then Mr. Sofia Vergara
pays Munch-Munch a visit and he's like,
"We rendez-vous-ed this one time when we were all kids,
like the word on the street was that you
were this monster baby."
- Claws, one red eye, the privates of both a girl and a boy.
- That would have made things so much easier.
- But then when we finally got to go see you, like,
you're not a monster, you're nothing but a little baby.
And then Mr. Sofia Vergara was like, "You know what,
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter,
(singing) dancing through the fire."
- I will be your champion.
- (Both vocalizing) And you're gonna hear me roar.
- And then the last scene, oh my god,
busted redhead gets so mad at her joys-to-wit fiance
for messing up her Bob Ross castle.
- [Jonathon] And then Alans Cummings strolls in,
puts his lips on his like daughter-niece,
and then pre-surgery Kathy Griffin sees the entire thing.
- Oh I don't think you should call her pre-surgery
Kathy Griffin, she's one of my best friends
and she's gorgeous, so.
- She's totally gorg.
So then, not-pre-surgery Kathy Griffin
shows poor baby Sansa the moon-roof.
And then Alan Cummings negotiates her release.
- Let her go, Lysa.
- [Margaret] And you think he's gonna say something nice,
like, I love you, but actually he says...
- I have only loved one woman my entire life, your sister.
(screams)
- Bye, ho.
Girl, this is giving me so much Jersey realness,
I'm not entirely sure I can handle her.
- When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die.
(snaps finger)
- Where are
- My dragons.
- Okay, that's gonna be 458 dollars, Margaret.
Do you wanna put the tip on the card, or in cash?
Okay, you have to pay for your service.
(sighs)