Hey everybody it's time for Ask Cristen but guess what I'm not at home. I'm at the HowStuffWorks
office where I work. If you watch Stuff to Blow Your Mind this background probably looks
pretty familiar. But enough about work, work schmirk, let's talk about friendship.
And thanks to everyone who submitted a question, there were so many questions and I'm not going
to be able to get to all of them but I'll get to some of them and you know what, I promise
that I will answer from the heart. Let's talk about friends. Let's talk about making friends
and being friends and hating friends and mating--@Julia S asks, 'I have a really great friend in school.
We get along super well! But I can't stand her friend. What do I do?' You know what you're
going to need to do? You're going to need to find something about that friend of a friend
that you like. If you want to confront your friend about how her friend is [grossed-out
sounds] it's probably not going to end up very well. If you want to keep that friendship
for the longterm, you're going to need to respect her friendship with this other person.
Now if that other person is being some kind of a jerk, does not treat you right, does
not treat the other person right, that's another situation, but if you just don't like the
person, you're going to need to find something, there is something about that girl that you
have in common with her. Even if it's how she braids her hair. @ Tara Dean asks, 'How
do you make new friends as an adult. I find it frustrating because it seems like the new
people I meet seem set in their lives and set with the friendships they already possess.'
There were a number of people who asked similar questions in terms of moving to a new city
and making friends, making friends in adulthood. I can relate to this, it is challenging. I
think it's actually more challenging for adult me to make and forge new friendships compared
to adult women just because socialization-wise women are expected to get together, make dates.
Not that men aren't expected to but I think it might be more awkward for a guy to be like,
hey, do you want uh, do you want to play golf? Maybe that's why golf exists so that adult
men can have friends. I'm just projecting, guys if you agree or disagree, let me know
what you think, I think it's harder for guys. The way that I've made new friends, specifically
new girlfriends as an adult, I've treated it a lot like dating. I know that might sound
weird but what I'm talking about is actually going out of my way, having those nervous
butterflies. Do you ever get friend crushes? I get friend crushes. And approaching that
friend crush saying hey, do you want to insert one on one activity? You have to make that
time for the one on one. And if they say no, if they're too busy, okay you can't take it
personal. Same thing as in dating. If you're wondering about where to meet people, yeah
I think that the online social meetup groups are great, any kind of hobby or interest,
make that your outlet. Join a book club, go to a yoga class, take improv classes, do you
knit? There are all sorts of knitting circles that are popping up now. Also when you hang
out with them maybe use fewer words than I am using right now because I'm talking a lot.
@thomilop asks, 'Hey!' Hey. 'Do you know what I should do if I want to remain friends with
a guy but he wants more?' Ooooh welcome to the friendzone. You got to be honest with
that guy. You need to nip that in the bud if you want to remain friends and understand
that he might not want to be around you for a little while and that is totally and completely
okay. There have actually been studies done on the friendzone and it is found that guys
get friendzoned more often and they tend to take the friendzone a little bit harder. Transitioning
from friendships to the friendzone to mutually platonic friendshipville can be challenging
but it is your responsibility as the friendzoner to be honest and straightforward with that
guy. @ArtistProtagonist asks, 'Can you talk about frenemies, how do you recognize them?
Are they on a spectrum where you can draw the line at some point or are they just on
a different plane to begin with?' Spying a frenemy is something that's kind of instinctual,
for me it's this unsettling feeling in the pit of my gut that I get that says this person
does not have my best interests at heart. That to me is a frenemy. You do not need frenemies,
frenemies only complicate things and make you nervous and anxious that they're going
to pull the rug out from under you. In my observation pathological frenemies tend to
prey on less secure people. I think the most effective frenemy repellant is self-esteem.
@ Kaitlyn Stewart asks, 'How about how to deal with friends that are making bad decisions?'
Oh this is a tough one because you don't want to step in and like overtake their life. I
think it depends on whether or not self-harm is happening. You're not going to be able
to stop your friends from making terrible decisions, my friends have let me make terrible
decisions and vice versa, that's just gonna happen. But if my friend where he or she was
putting his life in danger, other people's lives in danger, being intentionally self-destructive,
you can absolutely step in and say, hey dude, hey chick, what's going on? Do we need to
have like a timeout? Do you maybe need to talk to someone who is professionally trained
in these areas? If they're just being foolish, you got to let a person be foolish sometimes.
Finally @ starrydreamer asks, 'Can married people be friends with the single people of
the opposite sex?' Oooh this is a challenging one. I have guy friends that I hang out with.
I'm with Professor Boyfriend and it's totally kosher. He has friends who are girls--girlfriends?
No, friends who are girls. If friendships are causing a conflict within a relationship
maybe instead of just immediately saying cut off that friendship, maybe first take a look
at your relationship. What underlying issues might be flaring up such as trust, jealousy?
If there's like straight up flirting going on and it's been making you uncomfortable,
tell your partner. Married people, I definitely want to hear from you on this question. Is
it possible? If I marry Professor Boyfriend can I still keep my guy friends? Alright folks
that's all the time I've got for friendship questions. Thanks again for everyone who submitted
a question, there were a lots of good ones. And there have also been some requests for
mine and Professor Boyfriend's dog to make a cameo on the show. I'm talking to his agent.
So next week for Ask Cristen, the theme shall be, I don't know what the theme should be.
Let's just do open, open call. What questions are your mind, what is on your heart? Ask
all of your questions and I will see you next week.