G'day, A.J. Mahari here borderline competition codependent says you had me at hello
essentially people with bpd so much intensity so much urgency to you know enmesh etc with you
and people with codependency so voraciously emotionally hungry for validation
and for love for what's really missing from childhood and what the real source of your each
person's codependency is borderline competition why is everything with the borderline competition
well because they have the repetition compulsion cycle of reenacting their trauma right
and that's an unconscious thing until unless they get into significant treatment so while
they're doing that and they're not consciously aware of what that means
it goes back to childhood but also people bp are so competitive not competitive always like you
know in a job or a career but competitive over like minute and strange different things and
anything that has to do with when you know you're you're on the precipice of the jade conversation
you're trying to figure out or ask them why did they just do this why did they do that or
maybe you're an ex and you know there's contact and you whoever hoover to reverse who word and
you're trying to get the answer to it why why did you just do this why did you just do that
how come you're upset now what just happened here but person with bpd is right fighting some
people codependency can write by two but the motivation isn't the same similar not the same
so people with with ppd are right fighting because of the injustice and yes quote unfairness unquote
of the way in which they were abused and or neglected as children and they end up with the
trauma response known as bpd there's nothing fair or just about that so a lot of people
with bpd right bite against that right there i didn't do it i didn't ask for it not my fault
that expands out in these relationships between you know untreated borderlines
and non-borderline co-dependents that are really relational impossibility make no mistake about it
and from both sides by the way because all your codependent giving rescuing enabling trying to fix
get them the therapy doesn't address your codependency issues it doesn't address your
part of the trauma bond so people of bpd are competing because they're always coming from
especially on truth they're always coming from a one down position a feeling less than oh they can
act differently at many different times but they do feel less than unimportant unworthy
and along with everything else that is the trauma response known as borderline personality they
have a tremendous shame really deep core primal shame wounds so everything becomes a competition
for them time you know if if you pour to whatever liquid you're gonna drink if you have two glasses
and you pour two glasses they might even want to make sure that the amount in each glass is equal
because it's all about right fighting and defending their childhood woundedness into here
now like so much of what people with bpd do so and they get really competitive when especially when
you want to try to hold them to accountability or responsibility or talk to them about any issue or
argument or problem that occurred if you're in the relationship or if you're still trying to
talk after a relationship is over or you're going to recycle whatever the case but so people with
bpd are very competitive and it is childlike it is sort of that childlike competition of you know
but my pale is better than your pale in a sandbox kind of thing and i don't mean to diminish people
with bpd with that comment it just is their young child like emotional presentation to adult life
so people at bpd are very competitive but not in a healthy way right more like a childlike way
a way that doesn't make sense much in the here now in adulthood and people bpd
you know they get the codependent at hello you know so it's like this idea on both sides of
the trauma bonded situationship unconscious but the borderline and the codependent both
that famous line from jerry maguire you had me at hello and quote you complete me unquote so what we
have in these trauma bond relationships people at bpd untreated or even if you know they're getting
into treatment they have uh needs right that they're not aware of as do co-dependents not
the same exactly but so this you had me at ho you complete me is that the commonality of an overlap
between bpd and codependency is need for external validation because there's a lack of worth there
because codependency is its own trauma response right and it's the difference really is that
codependency isn't as primal a wounding as is the trauma response known as borderline personality so
people bpd compete like young children over time attention how much liquid is poured in each glass
whatever you're going to drink food whatever you want to try to hold them accountable for all of a
sudden it'll be some measuring competition because if you ask them why they did thing a they'll say
ah you know i don't know about that but like you did thing b and it was way worse you know not not
obviously in those words so people with bp are always competing they're competing against what
is in their unconscious they're competing like young emotionally young children in a sandbox
for you know a shovel or a pail um because like if yours looks shinier they don't feel
so good about themselves and if you feel good about you well people call it penalty yeah but
if you feel better about yourself or if you're having more success in your life etc
then the person with bpd is going to want to compete with that but it doesn't make any sense
because obviously the way to succeed in adulthood is to
first adult and that's to people with bpd and many with codependency you need to adult you
need to know who you are healthy relationship to and with self in the case of codependence
binding the self and therapy in the case of people with bpd so anyway people bpd are competing
like from a childlike place over everything and to obvious skate and not take personal responsibility
or accountability gets you into those jade quote conversations unquote to go for hours and hours
and it's take you in circles and go nowhere but people at bpdm people with codependency
it's a 50 50 more or less not everything's 50 50. but the trauma bond is like a 50 50.
and uh so the other thing about this is yeah people with bpd get the codependent and vice
versa at hello and the whole idea with the trauma known as codependency and the trauma
known as bpd is that each needs the other to quote you complete me unquote
nothing healthy about it nothing workable about it and each person needs to get their own
healing and therapy each person needs their own therapy people with codependency you
know for a long time online and i i just never even like thought to say this but
people with codependency always saying well i'm just going to get that borderline to go to therapy
and the relationship will be fine what about your issues you know because because you're in pain
you lack self-worth you you have a dysfunctional relationship to yourself if you're codependent
so what about your issues how is it that you think even if borderline went to treatment
for a long time and you hung around and invested in that for a long time and if it did work out
uh people bp the heal and recover leave people with codependency that don't heal and recover so
you know but but it is this competition for people with bpd and it is you know
you had me at hello and the other line from jerry maguire the most biggest movie about
codependency no matter what it was about was quote you complete me people with codependency
need to look at their part and that you had me at hello and that you complete me because people
with codependency have repetition compulsions externalizing out your needs that you didn't get
met as a child and your needs that you're looking for external validation to be able to feel worthy
and to have your needs met well in a different way with a different motivation not really different
yeah different ways with a different motivation so too are people with bpd so therein lies an
overlap between bpd and codependency and i'm not saying is to say they're the same at all
but i just hope people with codependency will realize that if somebody had you at hello
and you in any way can relate to quote you complete me at the beginning of the relationship
that's a good place to start in therapy with why did you feel that way
what's been missing in your life for for all of your life if you have codependency
people with bpd obviously have a lost self and they don't know themselves so a lot's been missing
in their lives so borderline competition is from childhood for its childish it's young
that where they're arrested emotionally which isn't always the age of two i mean
they rest emotionally at the age of two but they don't always go back to the age of two
they could go back to five or seven or eight and they're always feeling in the wind down
position so they're trying to even everything up because that's what young children try to do