I want to make the world a better place and if I have one wish it would be for
them to reshoot the last episode of Lost. Hi there I'm Elizabeth Holmes and I want
to help you help me help you help. This is
Theranos. Theranos is the integration of the words therapy and diagnosis I want
to introduce my other company Facrocit which is the integration of the
words fat crock of shit. Together we can take charge of our own destiny because
nobody should have to say goodbye to the people they love that's the only reason
I'm doing this. And get excited because we just got FDA approval.
How about changing the goddamn world? You're welcome.
I believe that with the help of my new Edison blood unit we can revolutionize
blood testing and I don't want to brag but it's also a time machine I think
it's important for a business woman like me to get ahead in work business health
care industry settings I'm qualified to work in healthcare settings because I
watch Dexter's Lab just like Dexter I have a closet full of exactly the same
outfit I think that's super important for businesswoman types like myself young
self-made female billionaires? I'm coming for your gig JK rowling really the
only difference between her and I is that I don't let my imagination run away
with me there are no shortcuts to really hard work oh look there's one oh
can I get the um falafel please is that with the arugula? okay thank you
oh my god blood fraud what fraud okay go for Holmes I don't think I
have any secrets just a whole lot of love for my fellow man hold on to your
titties I'm about to alter the course of history with just this amount of blood
we can cure your cancer I've got it all up here don't you know how smart I am
don't you know how quickly I can finish a Sudoku I'm Elizabeth Holmes baby get
into it I'm branching out into voice acting work I'm playing an overlord in a
new sci-fi franchise they wanted James Earl Jones but I was second best
what's deeper my voice or the trouble I'm in? I'd like to think I'm up there
with the greats Elizabeth the first Elizabeth Hasselbeck
Elizabeth Borden and if we can shift towards a model where we're determining
the onset of disease in time for therapy to be effective
oh I lost my train of thought oh never mind I'm sure I can pull something out of my
ass I'm worth about nine billion dollars of absolute hot air
I consider myself Silicon Valley's most enticing cautionary tale
I'm an inventor I'm a wizard
I'm Mrs. Stevena Jobs we've developed the nanotainer so that nobody has to go
through the pain of traditional phlebotomy but now we've created the
extra nanoot micro titillater which comes in the sizes small and invisible
first of all I don't feel like we have to explain ourselves to competitive
companies second of all I couldn't if I wanted to
the Edison lab or rather the new mini lab is effecting change right now in my
mother-in-law's basement
what?
well here it is
goes in right there baby I've got some of the most powerful names in the field
of blood research on my speed dial Martin Oberman Harry Heigen-Steigan
Dracula I've always been very studious when I was a teenager books were my best
friend I got a 12,000 on the SAT so I left my lemonade stand start-up I walked
right up to Henry Kissinger I said hi can I get 400 million dollars and he
said yep myself and the nanotainer you know what we are right we're fucking
cock destroyers babe I am currently hiding out in an underground bunker ready to
make my next move in the world of health tech I don't know who you are I don't
know what you want if you are looking for Theranos I can tell you I no
longer have a stake in Theranos but what I do have are a very particular set
of skills skills I have acquired over a very short career skills that make me a
nightmare for people like you if you give me your blood now that'll be the
end of it I will not look for you I will not pursue you but if you don't I will
look for you I will find you I will offer you a menu
of available treatments which is basically limited to a super rare kind
of herpes if we want to impact the world all it takes is a little ingenuity a dash of
secrecy and a shit-hot turtleneck.
Hiiii!
Hope you liked Elizabeth Holmes give it up for Elizabeth Holme's everyone's favourite cyborg
I am obsessed with Elizabeth Holmes if you've never heard of her go and like watch- there's a documentary
The Inventor watch it immediately, I'd like to thank Olivia who's one of our patrons
for requesting that I do that video because as soon as that message came
through I was just like ya didn't do it of course I am what you talking about I'm
sorry about it so I usually ask people to like tweet or tag
the subject matter
She has Twitter she hasn't used it since 2015 so there's that
that's up to you I mean I'll just leave that in your sort of hands I'll put my
social media down here if you want to follow me on Twitter or whats the other one
Instagram I'm so good at this here are my links down below you know if
you want to follow that it'd be nice come on board just wanna say happy
birthday to Karen A and Gerard P they are patrons and it's their birthday this
week I'm hoping you can have a lovely birthday and that you're not scarred by the
dire shit you've just seen you know was this a way of ruining your
birthday Karen and Gerard wouldn't it be cute if they were a couple if you want
to become a patron there's gonna be a message afterwards you can support us
support me doing more of this garbage that it'd be great if you have any
requests of people I should do I feel like based on this I looked a
little bit like Glenn Close I've been told Jennifer Saunders Fern Britton
Jennifer Coolidge there's a whole sort of plethora of people who kind of don't look
anything like each other but apparently I look like them all as Elizabeth Holmes
I look like everyone apart from Elizabeth Holmes so you know please comment down below
whatever you want, subscribe like share whatever whatever you fancy a
little bit of what you fancy I'll see you guys soon all right bye then
and a blood-sucking welcome to our new his patrons Rebekah Dial and
Brooke Neil! to join the patronage visit patreon.com/novympia