-Thank you for being here. Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "The Tonight Show."
You’re here. You made it.
Thank you for watching.
Well, guys, it was another rainy day here in New York City.
I actually like rainy days,
because at least there’s a good reason
why the guy next to you on the subway is damp.
But I am excited about this -- Ken Jeong is my guest tonight.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I can’t wait.
I can’t wait till the next season of "The Masked Singer,"
when every guest is like, "That’s got to be Ron DeSantis.
That’s got to be. That’s got to be Ron DeSantis.
He’s Disco Caterpillar."
Well, guys, some political news.
Hawaii is considering a bill that could ban
former President Trump from its 2024 primary election ballot.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It’s pretty controversial.
Most Hawaiians want to say "aloha" to a Trump presidency,
but others would rather say "aloha" to a Trump presidency.
Yeah, in Hawaii,
Trump could be banned from the ballot.
One Hawaiian resident heard, and was like...
[ Rim shot ]
And I saw that tomorrow, Trump is holding
a campaign rally in Las Vegas, and since it’s Vegas,
they’re already setting the odds of things
that he may or may not do while he’s there.
For instance, the odds are 3 to 1 that Trump...
"Now that is a classy toilet."
Next up, the odds are 15 to 1 that Trump...
Okay. Up next, the odds are 9 to 1 that Trump...
"It’s very long."
Up next, the odds are 4 to 1 that Trump...
[ Chuckles ]
Next up, the odds are 10 to 1 that Trump...
♪♪
[ Imitating Elvis ]
"Warden threw a party at the county jail.
It was his fault. He shouldn’t have thrown a party
at the jail."
Up next, the odds are 6 to 1 that Trump...
And finally, the odds are 2 to 1 that Trump...
These are good odds. These are good odds.
Meanwhile, Trump is on the campaign trail,
and it looks like he’s come up with a new way
to fund his reelection bid.
Check out this ad I just saw today.
-I’m Donald J. Trump,
excited to announce my all-new, totally fantastic puzzle series
"Where’s Melania?"
It’s fun, interactive, and helpful
because I really have no clue where she is.
Maybe she’s on a beach in Florida,
or in the world of giant people, or in the Roman Colosseum,
or even in the land of Melanias.
She’s definitely not in her private bedroom
because I knocked and she said, "No one’s in here."
"Where’s Melania?" Just three easy payments of $99.99.
-Three easy payments.
Well, the weather this month has been really crazy.
We had deep freeze and snow, then rain and flooding,
then it was like 60 degrees,
and it’s really stressing out meteorologists.
So here to give us an update on the latest weather
is our head meteorologist, Ben Dalton.
Thanks for talking with us.
Thanks for talking with us, Ben.
-Oh, I love talking with you, Jimmy, I love it.
It’s the highlight of my week. I’m serious. I’m serious.
It’s the best thing I got going on in my life.
I mean, there’s only two people I can really be myself with --
that’s you, and Rhonda, who sells me my lottery tickets.
She’s real, Jimmy. She’s real.
You’re real, too. You know what I mean?
-Okay, that’s nice to hear, I am real.
How is the weather looking?
-[ Laughs ] Of course, the weather.
Okay. Right. "The weather." -Yeah.
-Yeah. That thing that never goes away, never stops.
It just keeps on churning, you know, over and over
and over and over for eternity. You know, no matter what,
no matter how many times I push it up the hill,
it just keeps rolling right back down.
Never stops and never will.
-Maybe we should just check back in with you later, Ben.
-Oh, no, no, no, no, no, Jimmy, look, I got this.
I was just talking it out, right?
That’s what we do, isn’t it? We just talk it out, right?
We talk. We don’t talk. That’s the problem.
The problem is we don’t talk. We keep it all trapped inside.
I’m done with that, Jimmy.
I’m not keeping it trapped inside anymore.
I’m taking it all out. That’s what they say.
They go, "Keep it inside, Ben."
I can’t do it.
-Ben. Ben. Ben. It’s okay. We’re good.
Why don’t you just go home, okay?
-I am home.
This is my -- This is my home.
That’s all I got. All I have is, like, you and --
and the map and the studio. I mean, I got --
Well, I got this. I don’t want to talk about --
-Ben. What -- What -- -No, no.
-No, no. What is it, Ben?
Honestly, you can tell me if you have something.
-Just my music.
It’s just my music. -I don’t know.
-But you don’t want to hear no song from old Ben.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-You’re probably right. We probably don’t want to.
Probably don’t want to -- -♪ A-one, two, three, four ♪
♪ Life on the road ♪
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
♪ Life, life, life, life ♪
Get it together, Ben. God damn it.
-Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Why don’t you go figure it out and come back?
Play it for us another time.
-That’s a verbal contract, Jimmy Fallon.
-There you go. There he is.
"Tonight Show" meteorologist, Ben Dalton, everybody.
Are you all right, bud?
-♪ Life ♪ -Thank you very much.
-♪ Life ♪ -Alright, Ben,
thank you very much. Take care. -♪ Life on the run ♪
-I didn’t know we were in the same studio.
We’re in the same studio. I can see.
-Tickle tickle.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Watch out for the weather.
-All right. Thank you, thank you.
What? That’s his -- That his --
That's his catchphrase? "Watch out for the weather!"
You guys, get this. I heard about a man in California
who set a world record by collecting
1,136 hotel key cards.
Then he got back to the front desk
and the lady was like, "All right, maybe try this one.
Sorry.
Sorry."
Meanwhile, the guy who held the previous record
of 1,135 keycards is like, that dude needs to get a life.
And finally, a team of scientists invented
a new video camera that allows people to see
the world how dogs and other animals do.
That story again -- scientists were caught filming
someone’s crotch and called it a new invention.
We have a great show.
Ken Jeong is here to. Dwyane Wade is joining us.
Whoo! Dwyane Wade.
And we have stand up from Pete Lee.
Let’s go write some thank you notes. Come on with me.
-♪ Uh huh, let’s get it ♪
♪ The legendary hard work ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
♪♪
Thank you, everybody. Today is Friday.
That’s usually when I catch up on some personal stuff.
I usually check my inbox, return some e-mails,
and, of course, write some thank you notes.
Can I do that right now? Is that all right?
James?
James, can I get some thank you note writing music, please.
♪♪
James, can you add some vocals to it too?
Can you sing a little?
-[ Vocalizing ]
-Never -- Never mind, never mind. Never mind.
I’ll call Ben Dalton. Get Ben Dalton on the phone.
♪♪
Thank you, icicles, for making it look
like my house decided to grow bangs.
-Hey, cool.
-I think they look nice.
♪♪
Thank you, Detroit Lions mascot, Rory,
for looking like you asked your hairstylist for the Dora.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
Thank you, caterpillars,
for being your own conga line.
[ Conga music plays ]
♪♪
[ Thank you note writing music plays ]
Thank you, mental fitness,
for being something that you only talk about
when you’re worried about someone’s mental fitness.
Have you had a --
♪♪
Thank you, last two squirts of dish soap.
Let’s not kid each other.
You know I’m going to water you down
and get another week out of ya.
-Oh! -Whoo-whoo-whoo!
Ooh! [ Humming conga music ]
[ Conga music plays ]
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
So dumb.
♪♪
Thank you, baby monitors at night, for giving new parents
a free horror movie about a possessed baby.
Good God, she’s adorable.
Milk!
-[ Speaking gibberish ]
-Aww, honey, she just said "Dada" backwards.
[ Laughs ]
[ Both gibbering ]
-Aww, so cute.
Look, she’s crawling up the wall.
♪♪
Thank you, pliers with rubber grips, for looking like
you’re starring in an all-tool bench remake of "Kinky Boots."
There you have it. Those are my thank you notes.