>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THANKS FOR STAYING UP FOR OUR SPECIAL LIVE "LATE SHOW"
FOLLOWING THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION.
EVERY NIGHT HAS HAD A THEME.
FIRST NIGHT WAS LAND OF PROMISE.
THEN WAS LAND OF OPPORTUNITY.
I ASSUME NIGHT IS LAND OF THE LOST.
LET'S GET RIGHT TO WHAT WE'RE CALLING...
>> THIS AMERICAN CARNAGE.
>> BE BEST.
>> I'M MIKE PENCE.
>> GOOD LUCK.
LET THEM PROVE SOMEBODY WAS GUILTY.
>> MAGIC.
IT'S NOT WORKING DAD.
>> Stephen: NOW, FULL DISCLOSURE, I DID NOT WATCH MUCH
OF THE CONVENTION TONIGHT.
AND FULLEST DISCLOSURE, I DID NOT WATCH ANY OF IT.
BECAUSE RIGHT NOW IN AMERICA, WE'RE FACING A GLOBAL PANDEMIC
THAT HAS KILLED 180,000 AMERICANS, HEAVILY ARMED RAMBO
WANNA-BEES ARE MURDERING PEOPLE IN OUR STREETS.
THE STRONGEST HURRICANE IN THE HISTORY OF THE GULF COAST IS
MAKING LANDFALL AS I SPEAK.
AND THE R.N.C.'S MESSAGE IS, "WHO'S UP FOR FOUR MORE YEARS?"
HUH?
NOW, I KNOW BY NOT WATCHING THE R.N.C., I DIDN'T DO MY JOB
TONIGHT.
I JUST WANT TO SAY, I FEEL GREAT ABOUT IT.
WHY SHOULD WE PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT THEY'RE SAYING IF NONE OF
WHAT THEY'RE SAYING TONIGHT IS ABOUT WHAT'S HAPPENING IN
AMERICA RIGHT NOW?
WHY SHOULD WE WATCH THEIR REALITY SHOW IF IT DOESN'T
REFLECT OUR REALITY?
WHY SUBJECT OURSELVES TO THEIR LIES THAT STICK TO YOUR SOUL
LIKE HOT TAR?
LIES LIKE DONALD TRUMP CARES WHETHER YOU LIVE OR DIE.
YOU SEE, THIS WEEK, THE C.D.C.
COMPLETELY REVERSED THEIR TESTING GUIDELINES TO SAY PEOPLE
WITHOUT SYMPTOMS MAY NOT NEED TO BE TESTED, EVEN IF THEY'VE BEEN
IN CLOSE CONTACT WITH SOMEONE KNOWN TO HAVE THE VIRUS.
THAT IS SURPRISING.
BECAUSE WE HAVE BEEN REPEATEDLY WARNED THAT 40% OF INFECTIONS
ARE ASYMPTOMATIC.
AND 50% OF TRANSMISSIONS OCCUR BEFORE THE SYMPTOMS.
IGNORING SOMETHING DOESN'T MAKE IT GO AWAY.
IF IT DID, WHY ARE THERE STILL VALPAK COUPONS?
WHO ON EARTH THINKS NOT TESTING IS A GOOD IDEA?
>> IF WE DID HALF THE TESTING, WE WOULD HAVE HALF THE CASE S.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, IT'S ALWAYS THE ONLY PERSON YOU
SUSPECT.
AND, OOPS-A-CADAVER, WE FOUND OUT THIS AFTER THAT THE C.D.C.
WAS PRESSURED TO CHANGE GUIDANCE ON CORONAVIRUS TESTING BY HIGHER
UPS WITHIN THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION.
SO WE'VE REACHED THE POINT WHERE DONALD TRUMP IS DICTATING OUR
HEALTH REGULATIONS.
THAT'S WHY THE NEW SUGGESTED SERVING FOR CHICKEN IS BUCKET.
HEY!
C.D.C.!
THIS IS OUR LIVES!
EITHER GROW A PAIR AND STAND UP TO THIS CLOWN, OR AT LEAST BE
HONEST AND CHANGE THE HIPPOCRATIC OATH TO, "FIRST DO
NO HARM, UNLESS IT MAKES THE PRESIDENT LOOK BAD.
IN THAT CASE, BAG 'EM AND TAG 'EM."
ONCE AGAIN, WE ARE WATCHING A BASIC FUNCTION OF OUR GOVERNMENT
THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN APOLITICAL DIE IN FRONT OF OUR EYES.
WE ARE ONE NEWS CYCLE AWAY FROM THE C.D.C. WARNING THAT MAIL-IN
BALLOTS GIVE YOU KHALID MIA.
WITNESS INTIMIDATION, CRIPPLING THE POST OFFICE, AND ILLEGALLY
USING THE WHITE HOUSE, THE PEOPLE'S HOUSE FOR PARTISAN
CAMPAIGNING, LIKE HIS MEETING WITH FORMER HOSTAGES, THE PARDON
OF JOND PONDER, THE FIRST LADY'S CONVENTION SPEECH IN THE ROSE
GARDEN AND HOLDING A CAMPAIGN AD NATURALIZATION CEREMONY FOR FIVE
NEW CITIZENS.
>> SALEH ABDUHD HAS BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS DAY SINCE HE
ARRIVED FROM GHANA.
HE SPEAKS FIVE LANGUAGES.
>> Stephen: LET'S NOT FORGET ONCE SULLY LANDED THAT PLANE ON
THE HUDSON.
MINUTE I SAW THAT, I THOUGHT, THAT GUY'S IN.
FEDERAL EMPLOYEES PUSHING POLITICS IN THEIR OFFICIAL
DUTIES VIOLATES A LAW CALLED THE HATCH ACT.
EVEN IF YOU COME UP WITH SOME TORTUROUS RATIONALIZATION LIKE
ONE WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL CLAIMED THERE WAS NO VIOLATION OF LAW
BECAUSE THE VIDEO WAS AVAILABLE TO THE PUBLIC EARLIER IN THE
DAY, AND THE CAMPAIGN DECIDED TO USE PUBLICLY AVAILABLE CONTENT
FOR CAMPAIGN PURPOSES.
THAT'S LIKE A HUSBAND SAYING IT DOESN'T COUNT AS CHEATING IF
IT'S WITH MY EX.
THAT WAS JUST AN ENCORE PRESENTATION OF SEX I HAD BEFORE
WE WERE MARRIED.
PLUS, I DECIDED TO MAKE THE VIDEO PUBLICLY AVAILABLE.
IT'S PRETTY NICE.
I WAXED.
( LAUGHTER )
UNLESS YOU HEAR WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF MARK MEADOWS DROP
THE NEUTRON CYNIC BOMB.
>> NOBODY OUTSIDE OF THE BELTWAY REALLY CARES.
LISTEN, THIS IS A LOT OF HOOPLA BEING MADE ABOUT THINGS, MAINLY
BECAUSE THE CONVENTION HAS BEEN SO UNBELIEVABLY SUCCESSFUL.
>> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT ABOUT THAT-- I DON'T BELIEVE IT'S BEEN
SUCCESSFUL.
BUT HERE'S THE DEAL: THE HATCH ACT IS A LAW, WHETHER WE CARE
ABOUT IT OR NOT DOESN'T MATTER.
WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS THAT IT EXISTS.
A LOT OF PEOPLE OUTSIDE CAR MECHANICS DON'T CARE WHAT BRAKE
FLUID IS, BUT YOU'LL MISS IT WHEN IT'S GONE.
BRAKE FLUID?
THAT'S A LOT OF HOOP-LAAAAAH!
SCENE.
( LAUGHTER )
SHOULD CARE ABOUT EVERY LAW THE PRESIDENT IS BREAKING.
AND I THINK THEY ACTUALLY DO.
IT'S JUST THAT IT'S HARD TO KEEP TRACK AT THIS POINT.
YOU'RE DRINKING FROM A FIRE HOSE OF SCANDAL, BUT AMERICA, IF YOU
KAWCH YOURSELF GETTING TOO NUMB TO ALL OF THIS, "THE LATE
SHOW"S" HAS A PRESCRIPTION FOR YOU.
>> ARE YOU BORED AND DISINTERESTED IN THINGS THAT
USED TO SEEM IMPORTANT, LIKE THE PRESIDENT USING 11ERS THE POWER
TO ENSURE HIS REELECTION.
ASK YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT NOT NORMAL ZOLL.
NOT NORMAL ZOLL IS A PRESCRIPTION-STRENGTH SLAP TO
THE FACE THAT WILL LEAVE YOU RENEWED AND REMINDED THAT CRIMES
ARE ILLEGAL... NOT NORMAL ZOLL HAS ALSO BEEN EFFECTIVE IN
TREASON BEING NO BIGGIE.
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS, NOT NORMAL ZOLL CONTAINS FAST-ACTING
SLAPPA-ZINN, WHICH PEN TRAITS THE CORTEX.
SIDE EFFECTS OF NOT NORMAL ZOLL MAY INCLUDE BRUISING AND NOT
SHUTTING UP ABOUT THE POSTMASTER GENERAL SAYING HE'S OPTIMIZING
THE POSTAL SERVICE.
IS THAT WHAT STEALING MAILBOXES AND STACKING THEM LIKE CORDWOOD
MEANS?
HOW STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM?
WHAT'S HAPPENED TO MY COUNTRY?
I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
ASK YOUR DOCTOR IF NOT NORMA ZOLL IS RIGHT FOR YOU.
AND ASK WHO HE VOTED FOR.
WARNING, NOT NORMA ZOLL SHOULD ALWAYS BE TAKEN WITH ALCOHOL.
>> Stephen: HERE'S ANOTHER REASON I'M NOT WATCHING THE
CONVENTION.
I'M A TV PROFESSIONAL AND IT'S TERRIBLY PRODUCED.
I KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN, BECAUSE THEY REVEALED THE
MONSTER ON THE FIRST NIGHT, AND IT'S THIM, A MULTIHEADED
SPINELESS CREATURE THAT LIVES ON YOUR FEAR.
>> TRUMP WAS ELECTED TO PROTECT OUR FAMILIES FROM THE VENGEFUL
MOB THAT SEEKS TO DESTROY OUR WAY OF LIFE, OUR NEIGHBORHOODS,
SCHOOLS, CHURCHES, AND VALUES.
>VALUES.
>> LOOK AT WHAT'S HAPPENING IN AMERICAN CITIES, CITIES ALL RUN
BY DEMOCRATS, CRIME, VIOLENCE, AND MOB RULE.
>> YOU MAY HAVE SEEN US DEFENDING OUR HOME AS A MOB OF
PROTESTERS DESCENDED ON OUR NEIGHBORHOOD.
>> WHAT YOU SAW HAPPEN TO US COULD JUST AS EASILY HAPPEN TO
ANY OF YOU WHO ARE WATCHING FROM QUIET NEIGHBORHOODS AROUND OUR
COUNTRY.
>> THEY'LL DISARM YOU, EMPTY THE PRISONS, LOCK YOU IN YOUR HOME,
AND INVITE MS-13 TO LIVE NEXT DOOR.
>> HUMAN SACRIFICE, DOGS AND CATS, LIVING TOGETHER, MASS
HYSTERIA.
>> Stephen: WHO YOU GONNA CALL?
NOT THE POLICE IN THIS CASE.
NOW, I KNOW FEAR IS A MOTIVATOR.
THEY ARE DESPERATE TO TURN OUT THE FEARFUL.
BUT STOKING FEAR IS A DANGEROUS GAME.
LAST NIGHT, THERE WAS YET ANOTHER TRAGEDY IN KENOSHA,
WISCONSIN.
ALL THIS WEEK, THERE HAVE BEEN DEMONSTRATIONS PROTESTING THE
SHOOTING OF JACOB BLAKE BY POLICE ON SUNDAY.
THERE'S BEEN FIREWORKS.
THERE'S BEEN TEAR GAS.
THERE'S BEEN FIRES.
BUT YESTERDAY, VIOLENCE ESCALATED WHEN TWO PEOPLE WERE
KILLED AND ONE INJURED AFTER A VIGILANTE FIRED MULTIPLE ROUNDS
INTO A CROWD OF PROTESTERS.
SO MUCH FOR A WELL-REGULATED MILITIA.
CELL PHONE VIDEO SHOWS THE KILLER WITH A SEMIAUTOMATIC
RIFLE OPENING FIRE ON A GROUP OF PEOPLE.
THE MAN WITH THE GUN IS THEN SEEN WALKING WITH HIS HANDS UP
TOWARD RESPONDING POLICE OFFICERS WHO DRIVE PAST HIM.
HE HAD HIS HANDS UP, AND THE POLICE TOLD HIM TO GET OUT OF
THEIR, EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE WAS YELLING THAT HE WAS THE SHOOTER.
EVIDENTLY, THE KENOSHA POLICE MOTTO IS TO OBSERVE AND NEGLECT.
WELL, TODAY, ILLINOIS POLICE ARRESTED THE SUSPECTED SHOOTER,
AND HE HAS NOW BEEN CHARGE AND IDENTIFIED AS A 17-YEAR-OLD
ILLINOIS RESIDENT.
AND WE DONT KNOW A LOT MORE THAN, THAT OTHER THAN TWO
THINGS: THIS PERSON THOUGHT THEY WERE A MEMBER OF THE MILITIA.
AND THEY THOUGHT THERE WAS SUCH A THING AS A MILITIA.
THERE ISN'T.
THERE'S COPS WHO CAN LEGALLY CARRY GUNS AND ARREST YOU.
AND THEN THERE ARE YAHOOS WHO CAN GET STRAPPED WITH AN AR-15
BY BUY SOME CAMEO FROM AN ARMY SURPLUS STORE AND ROLE PLAY THE
FEAR FANTASY THAT HAS BEEN FED TO THEM EVERY NIGHT OF THE LAST
FOUR YEARS.
AND I'LL GIVE YOU ONE GUEST WHICH OF THESE CONVENTIONS THOSE
YAHOOS ARE WATCHING.
IT'S THE ONE MAKING A HERO OUT OF TWEEDLE DEE AND TWIEDLE GUN.
ASSUMING IT WAS ON TOBTET.
AGAIN I DID NOT WATCH.
EVERYONE WHO THINKS THE BLACK LIVES MATTER PROTESTS ARE NOT
NECESSARY, OR DEFUNDING OR FUNDAMENTALLY RESTRUCTURING THE
POLICE IS NOT NECESSARY.
CONSIDER THIS-- THE KENOSHA POLICE SEEMED COZY WITH THIS
MILITIA LEAGUE.
A GROUP CALLING THEMSELVES THE KENOSHA GUARD ORGANIZED A
FACEBOOK EVENT ENCOURAGING ARMED CIVILIANS TO TAKE TO THE
STREETS.
THE GROUP PUT UP THIS FACEBOOK POST ADDRESSED TO KENOSHA'S
POLICE CHIEF.
AS YOU KNOW I AM THE COMMANDER OF THE KENOSHA GUARD, A MILITIA.
WE ARE ORGANIZING AND HAVE ABOUT 3,000 R.S.V.P.s.
I ASK THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE YOUR OFFICERS TELL US TO GO HOME
UNDER THREAT OF ARREST AS YOU HAVE IN THE PAST.
WE ARE WILLING TO TALK TO K.P.D., AND OPEN A DISCUSSION.
IT IS EVIDENT NO MATTER HOW MANY OFFICERS, DEPUTIES, AND OTHER
LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS THAT THERE ARE YOU WILL STILL BE
OUTNUMBERED.
WHAT A POLITE REQUEST TO BREAK THE LAW.
"DEAR SIR OR MADAM, I AM WRITING TO INFORM YOU I HAVE A 7:00
APPOINTMENT TO POOP IN THE TOWN FOUNTAIN.
I HAVE OVER 3,000 R.S.V.P.s.
PLEASE DO NOT ARREST ME AS I PREFER NOT TO GO TO JAIL."
SO, DID THE KENOSHA POLICE TELL THE HEAVILY ARMED YAHOOS TO BUZZ
OFF UNDER THREAT OF ARREST LIKE THEY USUALLY DO?
I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.
IT RHYMES WITH NO.
THEY OFFERED THEM REFRESHMENTS.
>> DO YOU NEED WATER?
>> WE NEED WATER.
>> WE'LL THROW YOU ONE.
>> WE APPRECIATE YOU GUYS.
WE REALLY DO.
>> THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
THEY THANKED SEAL TEAM SUCKS, AND GAVE THEM WATER.
I BELIEVE THE BRAND WAS 1939 POLAND SPRING.
WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE INCIDENT, THE KENOSHA POLICE CHIEF SAYS
PROTESTERS WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SHOT BY ARMED TEEN IF THEY
WEREN'T ILLEGALLY OUT PAST CURFEW.
THAT IS INSANE.
JUSTIFYING MURDER BECAUSE IT'S PAST CURFEW HAS A NAME.
IT'S CALLED "THE PURGE."
BUT IT LOOKS LIKE THIS CRIME WILL NOT BE IGNORED IN THE
COURTS.
OR AT LEAST ON THEM, BECAUSE EARLIER TODAY, TO PROTEST WHAT
HAS HAPPENED IN KENOSHA AND ALL AROUND THE UNITED STATES, THE
MILWAUKEE BUCKS BOYCOTTED GAME FIVE OF THE N.B.A. PLAY-OFF
SERIES.
WELL, SOMEBODY HAD TO SHOW SOME LEADERSHIP.
AND THE BUCKS STOPPED HERE.
THIS WAS A REAL SHOCK.
IF YOU TUNED IN TO WATCH THE GAME, YOU JUST SAW AN EMPTY
COURT WITH A FEW REFEREES ON IT.
AND KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS A PLAY-OFF GAME.
IT COULD BE THE PINNACLE OF MANY OF THESE ATHLETES' YEARS.
IS THERE A MOST VALUABLE NOT PLAYER AWARD?
BECAUSE THERE'S SOME COMPETITION TODAY.
THE BUCKS WERE SOON FOLLOWED BY THE REST OF THE LEAGUE, AND NOW
ALL OF TODAY'S N.B.A. GAMES HAVE BEEN POSTPONED.
AND IT WASN'T JUST THE PLAYERS TAKING A STAND.
ON "INSIDE THE N.B.A." THIS HAPPENED:
>> I THINK THE BIGGEST THING NOW IS TO KIND OF, AS A BLACK MAN,
AS A FORMER PLAYER, I THINK IT'S BEST FOR ME TO SUPPORT THE
PLAYERS AND JUST NOT BE HERE TONIGHT.
AND FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THAT.
>> Stephen: WOW.
THAT IS A MIC DROP.
OR AT LEAST A GENTLY UNCLIPPED AND RESPECTFULLY SET DOWN ON THE
DESK IN A STUNNING DISPLAY OF SOLIDARITY.
I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE.
I THINK KENNY SMITH JUST TOOK A KNEE WHILE MAKING A SLAM DUNK.
PERHAPS THE MOST POIGNANT COMMENTARY CAME FROM L.A.
CLIPPERS COACH DOC RIVERS LAST NIGHT.
>> THEY'RE SPEWING THIS FEAR, RIGHT, ALL YOU HEARD IS DONALD
TRUMP AND ALL OF THEM TALKING ABOUT FEAR.
WE'RE THE ONES GETTING KILLED.
WE'RE THE ONES GETTING SHOT.
WE'RE THE ONES THAT WERE DINEED TO LIVE IN CERTAIN COMMUNITIES.
WE'VE BEEN HUNG.
WE'VE BEEN SHOT.
AND...
ALL YOU DO IS KEEP HEARING OF FEAR.
IT'S...
IT'S AMAZING.
WHY WE KEEP LOVING THIS COUNTRY AND THIS COUNTRY DOES NOT LOVE
US BACK.
>> Stephen: THAT IS WHY VOTING IN NOVEMBER IS SO IMPORTANT.
BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP DOES NOT CARE IF YOU LIVE OR DIE OF COVID
OR OF RACISM AS LONG AS HE WINS.
AND UNTIL WE, THE PEOPLE, CHANGE THIS ADMINISTRATION, WE WILL
CONTINUE TO GET MORE LEADERSHIP FROM THE N.B.A. THAN THE R.N.C.
SPEAKING OF LEADERSHIP, WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE IS HERE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI.
STICK AROUND.