Well we did it guys! We're only 50% to a million subscribers!
Now I didn't really want to make a video that does nothing other than acknowledge this.
Especially considering that beyond our own human interpretation, this number doesn't have any more signifigance than literally any other number in existance.
Like somebody forget to tell anyone that during the Y2K craze.
I almost feel like I should have made a happy 92,817 video or some shit.
Hi! Welcome to my channel where I take the fun out of everything.
Anyway I still do appreciate it.
And I figure what better way to show my appreciation than to finally getting around to review the movie
that nobody and their grandmother has been telling me to review since it's release:
Frozen.
The original.
This movie is quite the massive piece of shit. The only real entertainment value you could get from it is if you watch it as a comedy.
And oddly enough it does not consider itself to be as such.
Let's just start from the beginning.
So anyone who's watched the trailer for this film would know the entire plot of this film is that these kids get stuck on a chairlift.
"Frozen is about, uhm, three friends, uhhh, they get stuck on a chairlift."
"Three people on a skilift."
"Three skiers and they're trapped on a skilift. And I was like 'that's it'!"
So naturally the plot of the movie is forced to move as painfully slow as possible.
You know how in a lot of scary movies they have a pre-credits sequence to give you a hint of the dangers to come.
Maybe someone dies or maybe we see events leading up to the future danger.
Ya know, a scene where something actually happens
Well, unfortunately the entire plot of this film is that these kids get stuck on a fucking chairlift.
So we get a scene of a chairlift.
Man this is so scary right now.
It's as if this movie was marketed soley towards people with a phobia of chairlifts.
Really, times new roman? Well that's not a very bold choice.
Oh hey, it's the directors iPod playlist.
[rock music]
So now we're introduced to our unbearably unlikable main characters.
Apparently they're waiting near the chairlift for a girl to start her shift
because they know they can manipulate her into letting them on for free.
"You guys sure about this?"
"Yeah, works all the time."
Oh no. That's not the person who we wanted. Ah damn it looks like we can't game the system today.
It's so important that we're able to do this without paying for our lift tickets.
I mean we're clearly not poor but man, that would just suck ya know.
They then figure that this girl could just try and seduce him.
"Hey, you're a beautiful girl.. and you have a charming smile."
It's funny you say that because your face is particularly obnoxious.
Apparently this guy falls into the category of child actors who looked their best when they were children.
So now she goes over to him and bums a smoke.
And the movie makes sure to dramatically over-emphasize the sounds that the chairlift is making
[spooky chairlift noises]
Ooh so scary!
At this point the chairlift itself is basically the villian of the film.
And I mean what else can you do if the entire plot of your film is kids getting stuck on a chairlift.
You think maybe this should have been a short film?
Do you think maybe, just maybe, the type of structures found in hour and a half long features
aren't really suited towards such simple and uneventful stories?
Maybe?
"Frozen's a move about three skiers who get stranded and left behind on a chairlift at a mountain that's closed for five days."
"And I'm looking at the chairlifts and I'm thinking, why would anybody go skiing?"
"Like, I can't believe I used to do that. That just looks dangerous. I mean you're up there on that rickety chair, how do those things even stay on?"
"And essentially in a matter of 20 seconds I came up with the whole concept of 'Frozen'."
So, while she's trying to convince this guy, these two start bickering over nothing.
"Man did you have to bring your girlfriend today, I mean, we just don't hangout that much anymore."
Gotta stretch out that razor thin plot somehow.
Oh yay it worked.
laughing
Is it really that important to you that you don't pay for a lift ticket?
Turns out she had to bribe him with a hundred dollars anyway.
"You gave him the full hundred?" "
"Yea he wasn't going to do it for fifty."
How many times are you expecting to ski today?
Is this one of those mountains with literally one chairlift?
Is your entire day dependent on whether or not this guy is on shift the entire time?
Are you prepared to pay several different chairlift operators a hundred dollars each?
This seems like a stupid and unnecessary waste of time.
How long were you here waiting before the movie started?
Oh, hey. It's the directors iPod playlist again.
[rock music]
"Look at these chumps paying top dollar for their lift tickets. Not us, though"
It somehow has more character than any one of these three things.
Man I sure hope you love embarrassing attempts at writing relate-able dialogues.
"Snowboards are too emo for me."
"Those things are a fad. Ten years they'll be gone."
"Yeah, that's what they said about rap."
Whooooh Boy
Man smoking is gross.
You can't tell me that because you smoke pot.
Yeah but pot actually does something for you.
Cigarettes are smelly.
"Adam has created I think three very like-able people, and also three very real people."
"So I think everybody in the audience will sort of be able to connect with one or more, or ya know two or all of the characters in some way."
Oh shit.
"Okay, what asshole couldn't get on the chair right?"
"What the hell?"
"Dude!"
Okay as someone who has been on a chairlift before nobody does this shit.
I have never seen people unanimously start vocalizing their complaints after the chair stopped for like two seconds.
Sometimes it stops.
and it usually starts again pretty soon.
"Come on man, we paid good money to ride!"
Who the fuck are you complaining to?
Hey you up ahead get a move on I ain't got all day!
"Adam has created I think, three very likable people.
"Alright, that's what I'm talking about"
[cheering] [rock music]
Oh hey, it's the directors iPod playlist again.
As someone who has been on many chairlifts there is not a single time where people started cheering once it started moving again.
It was stopped for like a minute. Calm your tits.
So now he notices a girl having trouble with her snowboard.
He tries to help but some dude-bro over and is like "What the fuck."
"What the hell are you doing man"
"Whats your problem I'm trying to help her"
"Ryan"
Ryan
They have a little moment because the script still needs to kill a hell of a lot of time.
Man this dialogue is so well written and relatable.
Get ready for the line delivery of the century.
"I'm tough"
I swear to God, when he moves his lips, it's like he's about to say 'I screwed up the take',
but just before he said it he remembered he's supposed to be a professional actor, so he just kept going with it.
"I'm tough."
Yeah that's perfect, let's move on. Holy shit, that playlist!
[rock music]
So, now we watch her struggle to do literally anything on the hill.
I guess this means they didn't really have to train the actors how to snowboard either.
Man, this sure is riveting.
So, now this guy's like 'Man this day sure would have been better if we were doing some real skiing.'
'I don't want to go back home without doing some real skiing'
So, this girl's like 'You know what I'm done skiing for today anyway. You guys go on ahead.'
"I have a lot of things that I can do here."
"Actually, why don't you give me the key, and I'll go check my messages."
"Not to the locker, come sit down for a second. C'mere."
"All you're going to get is a bunch of messages from your mom complaining about this, about that."
"No, I'm not going to give you the key."
What?! That's not a real excuse. Can she not text other people on that phone?
So now all three of them are going back out on the hill, but like the entire point
of that set up with her being bad at snowboarding and him feeling unfulfilled and wanting to
hit up some real skiing before the day is over was to have an excuse for them to get back
on the chairlift as it's shutting down, right? Like 'We're gonna pack up and go
home but I just have to do some real skiing before the day is over.'
But you still brought her with you. Why is it so important that you all go back up one last time?
You said you've had enough skiing for today anyway. Why are all three of you going back up?
No time to think about that; look it's the girl from earlier who couldn't get her snowboard on properly.
And now that she's given a bit of dialogue, we can hear just how awful she sounds when she speaks.
"A group of all agreed to go skiing this weekend. Well whatever it's this whole story."
"And I don't want to hold you up, but uh, that was just really embarrassing and I want to say sorry."
And also is that just me or is this like a really unflattering angle?
"How can you afford to close early? You're only open three days out of the week, man"
Ooh, did you catch that? They're only open like three days out of the week. What a shitty place to ski.
'I'm sorry, there's just too much snow.'
"We got weather coming and we're trying to clear the mountain. There's nothing I can do."
"okay what if we run straight down like the quickest run ever?"
God damn it, I wasn't gonna but I can't say no to that stupid fucking face.
Also you're lying bitch and you know it.
You're seriously going to do a wicked fast run when your top speed is like two miles a year?
You said you've already had enough skiing for today. Why are you even here?
Why is it so important to all three of you that you hit up the mountain one last time?
Based on the previous scene, it doesn't seem like any of you would be enjoying this.
Based on the time of day and the wind sound effects, this seems absolutely miserable.
"Whatever happened to night skiing?"
Man, I sure hope you love cheap plot devices.
"[unintelligible] wants to see you in his office. Something about the schedule next weekend."
"I'm not working next weekend."
"Well, that's what you thought." "Come on Rich, it's my brother's bachelor party."
"I put in for it two months ago."
Did he say 'bachelor party' or 'bastard party'?
[slowed down] "It's my brother's bachelor party."
"Go talk to the boss. Pack it up."
"I'm the best man"
He tells them that there's three more people coming down the hill and to wait for them before he stops the chair.
Meanwhile our main characters coincidentally noticed three randies coming down the hill.
"Woah, look at those guys! We are definitely hitting that jump this time."
"Last run. Gonna make it count."
And the convenient excuses just can't seem to stop piling up.
"Hey man, do me a solid. I gotta take a piss so bad, I can taste it man."
"What? what?" "Hey, man. It'll be like, a minute."
Holy shit, that dub.
"What, what" "Hey, man. It'll be like, a minute."
Is this movie marketed towards people who rolled a zero on lip-reading?
"Hey man, do me a solid. I gotta take a piss so bad, I can taste it man."
[Keemstar] "Fucking kill yourself, Ryan! You're so stupid!
Aw man! There's no cigarettes either? Man I just cannot wait to stop this lift so I can leave
Oh hey, It's three people just like you said. Looks like it's time to shut 'er down.
[canned laughter]
[applause]
So now, these kids are stuck in a fucking chair lift and we've still got over an hour of the movie left to go.
"Being eaten by a shark. That would be the worst way to go."
"Not like, you know, one of those surfers who are attacked from below you know. Never sees it coming.
"Like the, uh, poster for Jaws."
"The chick on the Jaws poster was hot."
All right since this movie mentioned Jaws, I think I need to talk about something
What the hell is up with this trend of trailer and DVD cover featured reviews
that keep comparing scary movies to Jaws?
If you've never noticed this before, believe me you'll start noticing it now.
Like, I get it. Jaws was a very important and groundbreaking film to the genre.
Are you so cheap with comparisons and desperate to sell your film that it's always gotta be Jaws?
"Biggest inspirations were Spielberg's Jaws and Hitchcock's Lifeboat."
"I, you know, if you're going to knock somebody off, you know, knock off the best."
"I will rip off anything Steven Spielberg ever does. I think he's the most perfect film maker of all time."
Apparently, if you can convince stupid people that your film will be anything like Jaws,
it'll improve your sales.
Terrifying! Will do for skiing what Jaws did for swimming.
And on the back of the DVD cover it says:
"critics have called it Jaws in the snow"
Yeah, that comparison makes tons of fucking sense.
"Cabin fever may do for cabin rentals what Jaws did for beach parties."
Blackfoot Trail: "A must-see. Does for the woods what Jaws did for the ocean."
The Hunted: "Will do to the woods what Jaws did to the ocean"
Into the Grizzly Maze: "Brings back the chills of Jaws."
Into the Grizzly Maze: "It's Jaws with claws!"
"After Jaws was made, you said you don't want to go back into ocean."
"Wrong Turn makes you not want to go camping again."
The only other movie I can think of that comes even close to Jaws in this sense is Psycho
Not only is it obviously another landmark film for the genre,
but because of that, this is also a film that people cannot stop comparing to movies they want to sell.
Stephen King himself tried to market his Dreamcatcher film by saying
it "would do for the toilet what Psycho did for the shower".
But not before also comparing it to Jaws.
What Lies Beneath: "Does for bathtubs what Psycho did for showers."
One Hour Photo: "Will likely do for snapshots what psycho did for showers!"
What?!
"What Jaws did for sharks and Psycho did for showers, The Visit will do for grandparents."
End this now!
Remember that scene in The Visit where the kids were swimming in the water,
and the grandparents were just below them because they they can breathe underwater
and then they use their massive jaws and razor-sharp teeth to eat the children?
I remember that scene.
It was the only good scene the movie, if we're being perfectly honest.
Man, the movie Frozen is just like Jaws if you really think about it.
Man I don't even see what the big deal with Jaws is anyway because it seems as though
there's a movie out every year that's exactly like it.
Now the lights start turning off. Uh oh.
I guess they're gonna have to realize their situation at some point.
They bicker at each other for a while and then we get to see just how atrocious this girl's acting abilities are.
"We have to get off these chairs! We can't stay up on this chair! Why isn't the god damn chair moving, Dan?"
"You acting all psycho is not gonna make the chair move along, okay?"
"Please don't yell at me."
[canned laughter]
It's a good thing they threw in that sad music, otherwise I'm not sure the
average audience member would know not to laugh.
"What other people? There wasn't anybody in front of us."
"It's fucking Sunday, and they're not open again 'till Friday!"
"We're gonna be stuck here all week!"
You know what I really fucking hate?I really hate this whole movie lighting pretend darkness bullshit.
You know, where they shine a bright light at the actors and then turn down the brightness in post?
Sure,there's plenty of instances where it can be done well to the point of it being unnoticable,
But with this movie in particular, it is embarrassingly distracting to say the least.
You just showed all the lights turning out, right? so where are these really obvious shadows coming from?
At one point they show a shot of the moon being covered up by the clouds,
and you think that they're showing that would mean the bright light would stop,
but no it doesn't. They don't even fucking try.
Now all the sudden out of nowhere, a gigantic snow storm starts.
[canned laughter] [goofy music]
Are you absolutely sure that this is not a comedy? Because I'm getting quite the sitcom vibe here.
Seriously, if they didn't have this forced sad music playing,
I'm not sure people would know that it's not supposed to be funny.
[ominous music] "Help! Somebody help us! Somebody! Help!"
[unintelligible]
Now this guy shows up, And our main characters think the day is saved.
Hey, its horror icon Kane Hodder.
But of course it was just some wild coincidence that he was even there to begin with.
"Where you at?" "Headed over to pinewood to pick up Barnes."
"No, man. Barnes just landed and the mountain is clear. Come back to base and we can get the hell out of here."
"Copy that."
They throw some stuff at him he almost notices, but no, he's gone and they're fucked.
make sure to remind the audience that they don't have their phones just in case you missed it earlier.
"Oh, let me just uh, run back to my locker I'll check my phone real quick."
What's funny is that this is one of a few movies where the 'oh no my cell phone doesn't have any service'
trope actually would have made a lot of sense. It would be perfectly reasonable for them not to
have cell phone service higher up the mountain.
So why did this movie insist on making a separate excuse that makes less sense?
Hey, let's all leave our phones in the locker for no reason.
I mean it'll be an extra effort if I ever want to use it at any point while I'm here, but ha ha fuck it, let's do it.
I mean you already kind of implied that you get service at the bottom of the hill anyway,
and considering how absolutely desperate this film is to fill up time, would it not have been fitting
to throw in a couple scenes of them trying to get their phone to work?
Naw, this movie is just too fucking smart. I don't get it.