During the impeachment scandal,
we have watched the Republican defenses of Donald Trump
evolve bigly.
First, it was there was no quid pro quo.
Then it was, "Okay, even if it was a quid pro quo,
it wasn't an abuse of power."
Now it's, "There's no such thing as an abuse of power.
"Donald Trump can put the White House on Love It or List It,
and y'all can't do shit!"
So, clearly, Republicans are okay
with Donald Trump going too far.
But why?
Well, to help us understand,
we turn to another man who always goes too far,
my friend Neal Brennan, everybody!
(cheering and applause)
What's going on, Neal?
Trevor, if you want to understand
why Republicans are behaving like this,
you have to understand the world of sex.
I'm s-- Sex?
Yes, buddy, sex.
You know, the thing that women want to have with you
but will settle for with me?
-(laughter) -N-- Y-Yeah, sex.
Right.
You know the one.
But I'm not talking about just any sex.
I'm talking about the kinky stuff--
whips, chains, handcuffs, you know,
like in 50 Shades of Grey
or the new Winnie the Pooh movie.
Okay, but, Neal, explain this to me.
What-- Like, what does kinky sex have to do with impeachment?
I'll tell you. The Republican Party is completely submissive
to Donald Trump. Completely.
We shouldn't even call them the GOP anymore.
We should call them the BDSM,
because ever since Donald Trump came along,
they've been letting their freak flag fly.
He insults them and they're like,
"You're a bad boy, Mr. President."
He abuses power and they're like,
"How can something so wrong make me feel so right?"
He doesn't even bother going to them
to get bills passed anymore.
He does everything by executive order,
which they used to hate
but now they can't get enough of.
By the way, even the term "executive order"
sounds like a kinky Cinemax movie.
"Do I have to, sir?"
(gasping, laughter)
"I'm giving you an executive order."
Okay, w-well-well, Neal,
if-if the Republicans want BDSM with Trump,
then why should we judge?
Because, Trevor, if you're not careful,
BDSM relationships can get way out of control.
For instance, one weekend, I let my girlfriend
pour a little hot wax on my chest.
Cut to a month later,
I'm handcuffed to the bed butt naked
with an active beehive dangling over my penis.
Which reminds me, Trevor,
I brought you some honey.
(laughter, groaning)
(applause)
It's locally sourced.
Yeah. Thanks.
Um, I'm now off sugar.
Um... All right, so-so, Neal,
if-if this thing is getting so dangerous,
is there anything Republicans can do to stop it?
Yes. They need to come up with a safe word.
It's the w-- it's the word you use
when you're no longer comfortable with the sex
and you want it to stop,
words like "purple" or "banana."
Now, my safe word's a little confusing.
My safe word is "harder."
Needless to say, I've gotten pretty injured over the years.
My point is, Republicans need a safe word
to end this BDSM nightmare,
and that safe word is "impeach."
(cheering and applause)
O... Okay.
But-- Well, but-but here's the thing.
Wait, here's the thing.
If Republicans remove Trump,
won't they just end up in another kinky relationship,
this time with Mike Pence?
Mike Pence, kinky?
No one is less kinky than Mike Pence.
To Mike Pence, holding hands is basically doggy style.
In fact, a few months of Mike Pence's blandness
should swing the pendulum back to the way the GOP was
before Trump, and we can return to democracy
the way it used to be,
a democracy that's more like the average American sex life:
two parties negotiating,
neither one especially happy,
but, every few months,
you take something to the floor and you get it done.
(cheering and applause)
Now, if you'll excuse me,
my girl's at home and we've got some honey to make.
Oh, no. Neal Brennan, everybody.