If you are somebody who overthinks everything, or maybe you have high anxiety, let's just
say that dating isn't going to be a walk in the park.
There are over 40 million Americans out there alone who suffer with anxiety.
And so, in this video, I actually want to give you some practical tips on how to date
if you are an overthinker or if you have anxiety.
Hey guys, welcome back to my channel and my lounge room, my brand new setting.
This is Luna in the background.
I'm a dating and relationship coach and I help hundreds and thousands of women around
the world build the love life that they desire and deserve.
Now, in this video, I really want to talk about anxiety, because 40 million, as I said
before, is a huge number and I'm pretty sure that every single one of us has experienced
some point in our life where we've had high anxiety in that moment, which might have been
triggered by a person or circumstance.
But if anxiety it is your reality, as in you live with it every day, you either have been
diagnosed with having severe anxiety or you're just someone who tends to really overthink
everything because you have fears and insecurities, then this video is for you.
But before I jump into these tips, I want you to subscribe and give me a big thumbs
up and drop a thanks Renee down below if this video does help you.
I actually work, obviously, with a lot of men and women around the world and majority
of my clients who come to me do suffer from high anxiety.
So I understand firsthand what some of those fears are and what actually triggers those
fears.
So what I want to do in particular is I want to give you tips on how to stay present in
that moment, how to start to reduce your anxiety, and make sure that your fear doesn't control
your decisions or your actions in that moment.
The thing is about anxiety, what it does most of the time is it magnifies a situation and
blows it out of proportion, and what we do is we allow our past experiences of maybe
being treated poorly or having a date go bad or our future fears of him not liking me,
it not working out, maybe I'm going to die alone, affect our present state.
And we allow all these voices to come in and pull apart what it is that we're meant to
be enjoying and inject fear into that situation, which then freaks us out and makes us overthink
everything that we're going through and then react in such a way that we don't have the
positive experience that we want, which then almost piles negativity upon fear, which in
the end, makes the whole thing just worse than what it actually could be.
So the number one tip that I have is try and stay present in that moment.
When you have anxiety or you overthink things, it often forces you to go, okay, who do I
want this person to be?
Or, what eventually do I want down the track?
And we're trying to find the answers for the future in the present circumstance, hence,
why we're pulling things apart, going, what does this comment mean, and why did he do
that, and why did that happen?
And what it does is it actually puts a lot of pressure on that situation.
Again, you're trying to predict something that you can't necessarily predict straight
away and you're missing out on just enjoying getting to know that person for who they are
and really just living in that moment.
Now, my trick to be able to stay in the present is really use your senses.
So what I suggest is, if you're going on a date and you're starting to have that hight
anxiety come up or you're starting to overthink everything, look for five things that you
can touch.
Can you touch the tablecloth, maybe the piece of paper, maybe the coffee mug, the knife
and fork?
What are five things that you can smell?
Again, it could be around your environment.
Tune your nose into go, okay, well I can smell this, I can smell this, I can smell this.
What are five things you can see?
What are five things you hear?
Maybe not necessarily five things you can taste, it all depends if you are eating on
that date or something.
But it forces you to then just bring your thoughts into focus.
Because what anxiety does is it kind of throws everything off and makes your brain have this
spotlight effect on fear, and it makes the feel bigger than what it is.
Hence, why your brain goes into overdrive to try and work out, why is she panicking?
Why is she overthinking?
Why is she doing this?
Quick, I better over analyze everything and pull it all apart to work out why she's actually
feeling anxious about this situation.
So we want to interrupt the brain and we want to interrupt that anxiety by just focusing
your brain on something else, like your senses, touching, taste, hearing, sound, sight.
So it forces you to pattern interrupt your brain, but also just be present in that moment
and focus on what you can enjoy.
Now, another way to be present in that moment is really go, okay, not only can I use my
five senses, but how do I feel?
How do I feel when he smiles at me?
I feel really good.
How do I feel when he touches my hand?
How do I feel when I see him patting a dog?
If you can bring it back to the positive ways of how you feel in that moment, and then again,
it forces your brain to just focus on what is actually presently happening instead of
you wondering off down the track about what could possibly happen.
Number two, have direction and intention.
One of the reasons why we overthink or have anxiety is because we want to have this sense
of control.
We want to feel like we're in control of everything and the moment that we don't feel that we
have that control, we kind of freak out and our brain freaks out.
So, if you can help give yourself that sense of control by having a direction and an intention
about each day, it almost makes you feel like, okay, I know where this is going.
I know my purpose behind this date, I'm not just throwing it to the wind.
I'm not just going on a date with anyone, I've actually got some sort of guidelines.
It'll help you feel like you've got a more calculated risk.
Love involves some sort of risk.
That's why we love love, right?
It involves nerves and the uncertainty and that's what makes it exciting.
So let's not dismiss that a bit of anxiety is actually really healthy and actually makes
a relationship really exciting.
But the moment that it starts to control your relationship and control your thoughts and
your actions and everything else that you do is the moment that it becomes toxic.
So if we can help take calculated risks and minimize the risk so that we still feel that
we have a sense of control by choosing who we go on a date with, by choosing a certain
time that we know that we're going to be coming from a place of abundance rather than a place
of lack, and having clarity, direction, and intentions when we date, that is going to
make a world of difference.
And can I just say this, that even if you don't have anxiety and you're watching this
video, you learn how to date with intention and purpose, your dates are massively going
to change, your love life is going to become so much simpler, you're going to cut out so
much confusion, and honestly that is where you get progress.
And this is what I'm teaching in my free webinar at the moment.
I'm teaching you the three mistakes that we make when we're dating that keeps us trapped,
dating the wrong sort of guys, or never really getting past that three month mark, and it
all starts to fall apart, and we're putting in this effort but it's not working.
And I teach you the three shifts to be able to break that and actually get progress.
So if you want to know how to get access to that free webinar, the link for that is simply
in the bio down below.
Number three, that's your thoughts of trusted people.
When we get in our own head, we lose perspective once again.
And so if you can ask people who you can trust in your world what they think of the situation,
it means that you're going to have different opinions that aren't necessarily going to
be biased, but they're going to see things that maybe you can't say.
So what I would do in this scenario is don't ask too many people, because having too many
different opinions can really bring in even more overthinking and confusion.
I would just ask a handful of people that you really trust, whether it is a dating coach,
this is why my clients use me, whether it is your mom, your sister, people that you
know definitely have your best interest of heart, people that know that you are someone
that overthinks and is anxious, so therefore, they kind of help you bring it back to that
halfway point.
Don't just sit there in your anxiety and in your thoughts and work yourself up to a point
where you just blow it all out of proportion.
You're better off stopping and then going and asking someone else for their opinion
or their take on the situation to help you work out, okay, did I overreact in this moment
or am I overthinking in this moment?
And you'd be surprised because people like that can see our blind spots.
Number four, knowledge is power.
Now what I mean by this is that often we overthink things because we feel that we need to have
an answer and we have this uncertainty and we're not sure about why this is happening
or what I need to do, and there's a lot of confusion involved.
And then, on top of that, when we feed it with fear, just to kind of, again, it all
blows out of proportion and we get really anxious and we work ourselves up and we work
the situation to be something that it actually isn't.
The reason why a lot of people out there are struggling with knowing what to do when it
comes to dating or then pulling everything apart is because you just don't have basic
love education.
Now, this isn't something that they teach in schools, obviously, and it's not really
something that our parents sit down and tell us, "Okay, well, this is how to date and this
is how men work and this is how women work."
This is why love education, you know what, guys?
It's actually really vital and it's something that eventually I want to bring into schools
and make it compulsory, because if you understand why you're a certain way and why your brain
reacts a certain way, how men work, how women work, and how dating should work, in such
a way that you can set a healthy pace and make sure that you're aligning yourself with
the right person, what you do, once again, is you make decisions based off facts, knowledge,
and guided educated opinions rather than just kind of throwing it to the wind.
If you aren't aware of what your own kind of weaknesses are and you keep dating from
that place of lack of self awareness, then chances are you're repeating the same pattern
and then you find yourself in this position where you're like, "Oh crap, this is happening
again and again," and you're kind of like, "Well, maybe I'll do this differently, and
this differently, and this differently."
And we self-sabotage in that moment because we're just acting without actually having
knowledge on how we should act or what we should do in that moment because of what he's
doing, but also because of what is necessary to build a healthy relationship.
Again, girls, this is why I try and give you as much information in my free masterclass
to help you be aware of why we get stuck in our love life and how easy it is actually
to break and get breakthrough and move forward simply by having awareness and love education.
Number five, turn your fear into excitement.
Okay, really interesting fact, guys.
Did you know that when you are excited, it is the same chemicals that are released as
when you are stressed?
So, if we can turn fear into excitement instead, then you're actually tricking your brain into
believing that this could be something positive rather than something fearful and negative
to be anxious about.
For example, say, if you have a date on Friday night and you're like, "I don't know what
to wear.
I don't know what he's going to think of me.
Is he going to think that I'm too fat, too skinny, too whatever?"
If you can turn it into, "I'm excited about this date.
I'm excited to meet him.
I'm excited to buy a new outfit.
I'm excited to do my hair and makeup."
And literally, I want you to say those words out loud.
I want you to say, "I'm excited," rather than turning it over in your head, "I'm fearful.
I'm anxious."
When it comes to having conversations that are uncomfortable in dating, because this
is what it's about, it's about being vulnerable, if you can turn it into, "I'm excited for
what we can talk about.
I'm excited that I get to reveal another side of me.
I'm excited that I get to learn how to be vulnerable."
Even if you don't feel excited, if you can just say those words over and over again,
eventually, your brain will be tricked into thinking, "Hang on, this girl isn't actually
anxious about this.
She's actually excited about it," and it'll start to put your mind and heart at ease.
Number six.
A good way to reduce anxiety when you're dating and not to overthink is reduced your choices.
So, apparently, our brain can only really handle nine choices at a time, so if you give
your brain too many choices, you're never really going to know who it is that you should
be focusing on or what the potential could be of that person.
And what we do, and I see this happen all the time, can I just say, especially because
we have dating apps nowadays and we've got multiple choices in front of us, is we have,
obviously, the fear of missing out and we get dating fatigue.
And we think, oh, maybe I should date this person.
Oh, but maybe I should date this person, and this person, and this person, this person,
and we're not really able to give ourselves a chance, it's okay, Luna, to focus on who
it is that we should be investing into because we're already wondering, is there somebody
better out there or am I not enough for the person that I'm with?
So, if you're able to limit your choices, and again, get really clear on what it is
that you want and need.
Now, want and need are two different things and this is something that I teach and it
is fundamental to dating and relationships.
You've then got a point of direction, okay, who should I say yes to, and who should I
say no to?
But, in the meantime, you should only be on one dating app at a time.
There are enough people on there, trust me.
Limit your choices and focus on the potential of who is in front of you instead of feeling
that you're going to be missing at every single time.
Number seven, you need to learn to focus on the positive.
Now, obviously, that's a really hard thing to do when you've got fear speaking to you.
And that's what anxiety is.
Anxiety comes from a root of fear where we're so worried that we're not enough or that we're
not going to be accepted or validated or loved or we're going to be hurt like we were in
the past or it's all going to fall apart in the future, and, obviously, fear can be quite
crippling and it can really affect our lives negatively.
So we can actually flip that fear and focus on the positive and force ourselves to focus
on the positive, then we're going to stay more present in that moment and we're actually
going to see it for what it is and what it can be in the good way rather than any of
that negativity.
The truth is your brain doesn't know the difference between what it has experienced and what you
tell it to experience.
So if you're constantly telling it to experience fear and rejection and negative things and
all the things that could go wrong, you know what?
Your brain's actually going to look for evidence of that, and more often than not, if we are
an overthinker and if we are someone with a lot of anxiety, we end up self sabotaging
our own love life because we think our fears into existence and we kind of self prophesied
that pain into our own world.
So if you can just be really disciplined, again, don't rely on feelings, rely more on
discipline with your thoughts to focus on the positive.
For example, he held the door open for me, which is really nice or he just texts me back,
which is really exciting.
Don't be thinking about, is he going to text me back again?
What does he think of me?
Just focus on what actually is there that you can see and confirmed this is a really
positive action, even if it's not as much as you want.
If you can still allow your brain to focus on whatever positivity you can, automatically
your brain will start looking for even more positive things because you will be telling
it to do that.
And lastly, girls, number eight.
I will say one of the main sort of keys to really starting to overcome your anxiety and
overthinking when it comes to dating is know that you are enough.
A lot of the times, the reason why we overthink situations is because we had this deep conviction
within ourselves that what we have to bring and who we are isn't enough.
We don't think that we're worthy of love.
We don't think that we are going to have the desires of our heart because of what we've
experienced or just the way that our brain has been trained.
So you can really make sure that you set a strong of self love and that you water that
every single day, that you start to weed out the roots of those insecurities and fears,
either by getting professional help like I did or at least educating yourself on how
to do that and becoming more self-aware, then I guarantee you will have more peace in your
life and more progress in your love life.
All right, girls, hope that this video helped you and don't forget about my free masterclass.
The link for that is down below.
Send this to a friend if they need to watch it.
Give me a, Thanks Renee, and a big thumbs up if you enjoyed it.
Good luck with your dates.
I do one on one coaching, obviously, to help you work through your fears and anxieties
when it comes to dating.
And until next time, bye for now.