it's the epic game of fantasy battles
Battle Masters look at that cover I mean
is that like a masterpiece or what that
belongs in an art gallery damn look at
that I'd hang that on my [ __ ] wall
yeah also notice it's from the makers of
heroquest well you already explained to
me heroquest the Spells the dice rolls
the hit points is it going to be
anything as complicated as
that
um
well you know I don't really I don't
think I want to play this oh come on
let's at least look at the game all
right whoa look at all this [ __ ] wow
this game's on [ __ ] steroids yeah
it's a [ __ ] man's game you want to be
a man right I don't know this looks kind
of complicated does this have all kinds
of complicated like Dice and [ __ ] well
for attacking yeah but actually the way
you move is very simple you use cards it
all comes down to the luck of the
shuffle so when my card comes up I move
and when your card comes up you
move huh yeah you know what this I think
I want to play this this definitely
seems like my type of game really yeah
okay let's uh set it
up oh man waa oh my God this [ __ ] is
huge I've had carpets that are smaller
than this game oh my god oh you can wrap
a cow in this thing you can wrap up in a
ring a
Tang back move back move back I can't
the couch is here well we're going to
have to get the couch out of the way oh
my God we got to move the [ __ ] couch
yeah let's move the
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couch all right that's good look at this
I wonder how many board games we could
actually fit inside this mat what do you
think let's find out
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out Jes doing this is like a game in
itself yeah how many games can you fit
inside a battle Masters map all right
well let's get rid of this [ __ ] and play
the game
so here's the assembly instructions here
you got to put all this stuff together
so you got to set up all these flag
poles here the chaos Warriors have the
ogre champion and the Imperial Army has
the mighty
Cannon and then there's Wolf Riders oo
the Wolf Riders and the chaos archers oh
look what's that that's his dick that's
definitely a dick he has a dick oh okay
that's because you got to put him on the
horses he sticks his dick in the horse
now you got to put down all the terrain
and the obstacles and Hazards and all
that good [ __ ] we're going to be setting
this [ __ ] thing up all day first time
I ever put together an orc
Tower yeah look at that thing that
thing's a pain in the ass ah this should
not be this complicated look at the back
it's like all [ __ ] falling
apart just [ __ ] go together it's only
four pieces of [ __ ] plastic
so while you're setting up there let me
read the introduction the Empire Lies
besieged by evil its borders Wasted by
hordes of chaos Raiders the fate of the
Empire lies in the hands of its Noble
Lords the ranks of the Imperial Army
stand defiant before a tide of
evil why does it freaking take so long
to set up a game
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are you ready to play okay so the object
of the game is pretty simple you just
move your armies and try to kill all the
other
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armies how many spaces do we move uh
according to the instructions it just
says each unit represented on the card
drawn may move to an adjacent space so I
guess it's just one at a
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time oh my God a real medieval battle
could have taken place in the amount of
time we've been doing this okay finally
we can [ __ ] fight all right so the
dice okay so now we're we're fighting
you see the combat value on the front of
your army there basically that shows you
how many dice you can roll for every
skull that's an attack and then for the
other character every Shield rolled is
the defense it's like hero
Quest okay wait wait wait hang on just a
minute I think we're doing something
wrong usually you can move and then
attack archers and crossbowmen however
may only move or attack see page 14 wait
important to correctly identify which
types of units are represent on a card
refer the charts on page 26 27 and the
back page of this
book hey well why do you keep moving all
of a sudden now you're cheating M no I I
didn't cheat reshuffle those
cards oh okay so you got onto the tower
um it says a unit that moves onto the
empty Tower Space takes command of the
tower the following units may not be
placed on the tower Imperial Knights
champions of chaos Wolf Riders ogre
Champion Lord Knights the mighty okay so
so only certain characters can be on the
tow I I I don't even know what that guy
is hang on a second well what does the
tower do
anyway what the [ __ ] you can't go in the
water what is this Simon's Quest these
guys can't get wet what are those tiles
what are like the bushes what's the
other deck of cards what are the circle
explosion pieces how many times can
these guys get hit does this guy move
first or does heack how many licks does
it take to get to the tootsie or center
of a Tootsie Pop the world may never
know once a skull token is place it
cannot be removed for the remainder of
the game as soon as any unit has
accumulated three skulls token it is
immediately eliminated removed from the
battlefield exception this does not
apply to the ogre Champion C page
18 uh okay oh they each have different
attack ranges now hold on the
crossbowmen one two or three spaces The
Archers is one or two spaces see page
five the least amount of spaces in any
direction towards the chosen and Target
see figure 4 on page 16 uh note no
Battlefield feature except for the tow
is damag in any way by an explosion tile
see page 19 yeah for more Mighty Canon
details see Canon missfire on page
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18 all right you know what you
win well that's Battle Masters honestly
it's a pretty good idea of a game um but
it is uh a little too ambitious a little
too excessive I'd say well it's
definitely not the kind of game you can
leave lying around your living room all
day that's for goddamn sure yeah like
you couldn't just leave it out and come
back to finish it later I mean look at
it uh the best way I can describe it
it's like the Michael Bay movie of board
games it's entertaining it's a lot of
fun but it's a little too big for its
own
good so next time you want to play um
checkers
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