my next guest is a very talented and very original comedian she can be seen this
month at Sabatino's funny farm in Buffalo New York please welcome Margaret Smith
hi Merry Christmas
I've been having a lot of weird dreams lately I had a dream I got drunk with the Fairy Godmother
in the morning I woke up covered with dollar bills and all my teeth were gone laughs
my last name is Smith it's very boring so I try to think of things to do to make it more interesting
like when I check into a hotel room I purposely don't write my last name
down to get the hotel clerk to demand it and then I go uh Smith
yeah that's it Smith
laughs I have a way with children you could probably tell
like last weekend I did a show there was a young kid in the audience he sat right up in front
so I said hi what's your name he said Jeremy
I said oh well that's a nice name Jeremy how old are you he said ten and a half I said oh
that means you'll be about 20 and a half when the end of the world comes
so I won't ask you what college you want to go to
because you'll be dead Jeremy
I never know what to say to kids my sisters tell me they have no kids but I see the pictures
I never really thought of myself as a breeder
but recently I decided I wanted two kids
so I went to an adoption agency the first thing the guy asked me was well
why do you want two children I said so I don't have to sit next to anyone on the subway
all right
the only good part about being a kid is toys my favorite toy was the oven
that you got to bake the Little Cakes in I didn't bake any cakes I melted army men
took a little longer yeah tasted better
one GI pie coming up
I hate my manager
he's always telling me wear red lipstick look nice up there I
said what if I'm not funny and it's coming out of these big old red lips
it's like being a crummy outfielder with a Paisley mitt laughs
I hate everyone lately
the other day I sat at the airport for two hours waiting for my flight everyone was disgusting
finally I started going like this to people
circling the ones I hated
they didn't know they smiled they thought they were going to be on The Love Boat
foreign talk show it'll be different it'll be one where I get to hit people
you know like I'll have sting on and when I
ask them what his name is and he says sting I backhand them
you know now get over there and sit with Tommy tune
everyone always tells me I take after my uncle swanny he hated everyone
on his gravestone he had printed what are you looking at