-Here at "Late Night," every night I deliver a monologue
comprised of jokes written by a diverse team of writers.
As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk that,
due to my being a straight white male,
would be difficult for me to deliver.
But we don't think that should stop you from enjoying them,
so we'd like to share them with you now
in a segment called "Jokes Seth Can't Tell."
[ Cheers and applause ]
These are two of our writers, Amber and Jenny.
-I'm black.
-And I'm gay.
-And we're both women.
-And I am not.
So, here's how this works.
I'll read the setups for these jokes,
and Amber and Jenny will read the punch lines.
Here we go!
Today was National Be Late for Something Day.
-Yet another example of white people
appropriating black culture.
[ Laughter ]
[ Scattered applause ]
-A lesbian horror film recently premiered
at the South by Southwest festival.
-It's called "Home Depot Is Closing in Five Minutes."
-Hey, Jenny, what's your favorite thing
to get at Home Depot?
-A phone number. -Okay.
50 years ago, Charles Schulz,
the creator of the comic strip "Peanuts,"
introduced his first black character, Franklin.
-It was the least he could do
after letting Pigpen walk around in blackface.
[ Audience groans ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Oh! Oh, I'm glad I didn't try to tell that one.
-I regret having done so.
-A gallery in New York is currently showing an exhibit
of photographs of lesbians from the '60s and '70s.
-Or as they were known back then, roommates.
-Oh, yeah. [ Laughter ]
And what are they known as now?
-NCAA basketball coaches.
-Oh, right, right, right.
In response to Serena Williams' protest against an umpire
during the U.S. Open, tennis star Martina Navratilova
published an op-ed titled "What Serena Got Wrong."
-It's like the old saying goes --
Behind every successful black person,
there's a white person who needs to shut up.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Disney -- Disney is facing backlash after it was announced
that its first-ever openly gay major character
will be played by a straight actor.
-But in their defense, it's really hard to find a gay actor.
[ Laughter ]
-Jenny, is it hard to find gay actors?
-No! 1/3 of the actors at this desk are gay.
At least.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Two dozen white supremacists held a rally recently
outside the White House.
-And when they were done,
they went inside and got back to work.
-Amber!
-It's funny because the president's a white supremacist.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, it is funny.
-Those laws.
-Alaska Airlines apologized recently to a gay couple
after asking one of them to move
so a straight couple could sit together.
-Even worse, they asked a lesbian couple,
"How do you do it?"
[ Laughter ]
-Jenny, what's the question people ask lesbians the most?
-Can you open this jar for me?
And P.S., the answer is always yes.
-Okay.
According to Politico, white men are a minority
among this year's Democratic midterm candidates.
-So from now on if you want to see white men in the majority,
you'll have to go to Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Stansford,
a Cubs game, a research lab.
-A TED conference, a NASCAR race,
Wall Street, NASA, the Supreme Court.
-A math department, a movie studio, an engineering firm.
-Or a comedy writers' room.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Stansford.
[ Laughter ]
A lot of people go to Stansford.
-I didn't get into Stanford, but I got wait-listed at Stansford.
[ Laughter ]
-A lot of people did.
Hey, Seth, why don't you tell one?
-Oh, I couldn't!
-Oh, come on. Just one.
-I feel like if I do, I'm going to get in trouble.
-No way, dude. -Okay, okay.
Then I'll do it with confidence. -Okay.
-The Denver Center for the Performing Arts
recently staged an all-black performance of "Oklahoma!"
Or as it's called, "Oak-la-homey."
-Seth, no!
-What, what? Why?
-Seth. -No.
-Well, I'll do another one and win you back.
-Okay.
-The University of Oregon
is currently organizing a lesbian oral history project.
-Don't do it. -No, no, no, it's good.
[ Laughter ]
-Do not do this.
-No, no, it's not going where you think it is.
Because if there's one thing every lesbian has,
it's an extensive oral history.
-You did it. -How dare you!
-You told me it would be okay!
-You should be ashamed of yourself!
-You said Stansford! -I did.
-Black women and lesbians are liars!
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
We'll be right back with Mariska Hargitay and Ice-T.