[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW, MR. VICE PRESIDENT.
I FEEL LIKE I SAY THIS EVERY WEEK, ABOUT THUT WEEK WAS BAD.
I'M BEGINNING TO REGRET MY WISH TO BECOME A REAL BOY.
I TOSSED AND TURNED IN MY SHOEBOX ALL NIGHT WONDERING
WHAT'S THE FBI GOING TO DO NEXT? >> I KNOW, I KNOW, WE'RE IN A
REAL PICKLE HERE, JEFF. AND YOU KNOW HOW UNCOMFORTABLE I
AM AROUND PICKLES. >> YES.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY RAIDED MICHAEL COHEN'S OFFICE.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO, MIKE? >> THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO
STAY CALM. IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS THE
PRESIDENT WILL BE BACK NO TO NORMAL.
>> HOW'S THAT? >> BECAUSE IT WILL BE ME.
>> OH! THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
>> EXCUSE ME, MR. SESSIONS? >> OH, NO, THEY HERE FOR US?
I WILL GO PEACEFULLY. >> NO, IT'S NOT THE POLICE.
THE PRESIDENT'S COWIN, IS HERE TO SEE YOU.
>> OH, FINALLY. BY ALL MEANS, SEND HIM IN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HEY.
HOW YOU DOING? YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S MICHAEL
COHEN, ATTORNEY AT LAW. AND ALSO SOMETIMES NOT AT LAW.
>> MR. COHEN, THIS SITUATION IS OUT OF HAND.
>> I KNOW! CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT THEY'RE
DOING TO POOR MR. TRUMP? IT'S A DISGRACE!
THIS WHOLE RAID WAS A COMPLETE VIOLATION OF ATTORNEY/CRIMINAL
PRIVILEGE. >> WELL, IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO
HIDE, THEN YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
>> IS THAT A JOKE? WE GOT A REAL PROBLEM HERE,
JEFF. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH EVIDENCE I
HAVE IN MY OFFICE? I'M DONALD TRUMP'S LAWYER!
I GOT A WHOLE HARD DRIVE THAT'S JUST LABELED "YIKES."
>> I MUST SAY, SOME OF THESE ALLEGATIONS AGAINST YOU ARE
QUITE DISTURBING, MR. COHEN. HOW I DO PAID $1.6 MILLION FOR A
TOP REPUBLICAN'S MISTRESS TO HAVE AN ABORTION?
>> YEAH, $1.6 MILLION FOR AN ABORTLE, THANK YOU OBAMACARE.
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, JEFF. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE RECUSED
YOURSELF, YOU SHOULD HAVE PROTECTED MR. TRUMP.
HE'S A FRAGILE FLOWER. AND HE ALSO HAPPENS TO BE THE
SMARTEST, KINDEST, SEXIEST, LEAST-COLLUDING MAN ON THIS
PLANET WHICH I CALL EARTH. >> OKAY, SO HE'S JUST A FULL
DUMB-DUMB THEN. MICHAEL, THE REASON WE BROUGHT
YOU HERE TODAY THAT IS THERE'S SOMEONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK
WITH YOU. >> OH, GREAT.
WHO? >> DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, HE'S
DOWN THE HALL WAITING FOR YOU. >> REMEMBER, WHATEVER HAPPENS,
YOU HAVE OUR FULL SUPPORT. OKAY?
RIGHT THIS WAY. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU FOR COMING IN. I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THAT LITTLE
DUMMY BIRD. OH!
>> WHAT IS THIS PLACE? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> LOOKING FOR SOMETHING, MR.
COHEN? >> ROBERT MUELLER?
>> WHY DON'TCHA HAVE A SEAT, MR. COHEN.
HERE. PUT THESE ON.
HAVE YOU EVER USED A LIE DETECTOR BEFORE?
>> I FEEL LIKE I HAVE. >> GREAT.
LOOK, I WANT YOU DO KNOW I WILL GLADLY GO TO JAIL TO PROTECT MR.
PRESIDENT TRUMP. >> JUST RELAX, MR. COHEN.
IF YOU'RE INNOCENT, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
I'LL START WITH SOME EASY ONES. HOW'D YOU LIKE THAT PEE-PEE
TAPE? >> WHAT?
>> I'M KIDDING, RELAX. WE'LL GET TO THAT LATER.
IS YOUR NAME MICHAEL COHEN? >> YES.
>> AND YOU'RE A LAWYER? >> ISH.
>> DID YOU HAVE -- DID YOU MAKE A PAYMENT OF $130,000 TO STORMY
DANIELS? >> YES.
>> AND DID PRESIDENT TRUMP KNOW ABOUT IT?
>> NO. >> I THINK YOU'RE LYING.
>> YEAH, IT WAS SUPPOSED TO AN SURPRISE FOR STORMY, LIKE A
GIFT. >> A GIFT?
>> YEAH, A GIFT. LIKE A ROCK THROUGH THE WINDOW
WITH A NOTE TIED TO IT THAT SAYS "STOP TALKING."
>> SO YOU'VE THREATENED PEOPLE? >> DIRECTLY, NO.
BUT LET'S JUST SAY I'VE CUT A LOT OF LETTERS OUT OF A LOT OF
MAGAZINES. JUST TRYING TO MILLING SOME
INFORMATION OUT OF PEOPLE, SO WHAT?
>> DID YOU SAY MILK? >> YEAH.
LIKE -- WITH A COW OR A GOAT OR A -- CAT.
[ LAUGHTER ] I MEAN, YOU CAN MILK ANYTHING
WITH NIPPLES. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> REALLY?
I HAVE NIPPLES. CAN YOU MILK ME, MR. COHEN?
>> LOOK, MR. MUELLER THIS ENTIRE RUSSIA VEST SAYING IS A WITCH
HUNT AND YOUR WHOLE TEAM IS PREJUDICED AGAINST THE
PRESIDENT. >> NOT TRUE.
WE USE CODE NAMES SO PERSONAL FEELINGS NEVER COME INTO IT.
>> WHAT'S PRESIDENT TRUMP'S CODE NAME?
>> WELL, IT USED TO BE "PUTIN'S LITTLE BITCH."
NOW IT'S "STORMY'S LITTLE BITCH."
>> WHAT ABOUT IVANKA'S CODE NAME?
>> "GIRLFRIEND." >> JARED KUSHNER?
>> "OTHER GIRLFRIEND." >> DON JR. AND ERIC?
>> "TWO FREDOS." >> AND WHAT ABOUT MY CODE NAME?
>> "DEAD MAN WALKING." >> LOOK, I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE
THIS FROM YOU, I HAVE RIGHTS. >> NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME, YOU
LITTLE WEASEL. I DON'T KNOW WHAT RIGHTS YOU
THINK YOU HAVE. YOU BROKE THE LAW.
AND NOW WE'RE GOING TO CATCH ALL OF YOU LITTLE FOCKERS, YOU GOT
THAT? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OKAY, BUT I WILL TELL YOU THIS -- LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!