WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND
THE WORLD, MR. AND MRS. AMERICA AND ALL THE SHIPS AT SEA,
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT HAS BEEN LESS THAN A YEAR SINCE THE JANUARY 6VIOLENT
INSURRECTION ON CAPITOL HILL, AND I THINK WE'VE GOTTEN A
LITTLE TOO COMFORTABLE WITH THE NEAR DEATH OF THE REPUBLIC.
WE MIGHT PAY MORE ATTENTION IF DEMOCRACY DIED ON A PELOTON.
THANKFULLY, THANKFULLY, AND AGAINST THE WISHES OF NEARLY
EVERY REPUBLICAN IN CONGRESS, THE HOUSE SELECT COMMITTEE ON
JANUARY 6 DOES EXIST.
AND RIGHT NOW, THEIR CRITICAL INVESTIGATION
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FOCUSED ON FORMER WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF AND MAN AT A BAR
FAILING TO LOOK SMOOTH WHILE TELLING A WOMAN TO CALL HIM,
MARK MEADOWS.
( LAUGHTER )
AGREED TO COOPERATE AND THEN SURPRISE, SURPRISE, HE CHANGED
HIS MIND.
SO YESTERDAY, THE COMMITTEE RECOMMENDED HOLDING MEADOWS IN
CONTEMPT OF CONGRESS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
A-BOOM!
LOOK HIM UP!
THOUGH, I'M NOT SURE HOW CONGRESS CAN PUNISH YOU, WHETHER
IT'S A YEAR IN PRISON-- OR WORSE, A YEAR OF WATCHING CSPAN.
REMEMBER THEIR SLOGAN: CSPAN: IT'S TOILET WINE FOR YOUR
EYES.
AFTER THE VOTE, APRES THE VOTE, MEADOWS WENT ON FOX NEWS TO
EXPLAIN: >> THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME, HOLDING
ME IN CONTEMPT.
IT'S NOT EVEN ABOUT MAKING THE CAPITAL SAFER.
WE SEE THAT BY SOME OF THE SELECTIVE LEAKS THAT ARE GOING
ON RIGHT NOW.
THIS IS ABOUT DONALD TRUMP AND ABOUT ACTUALLY GOING AFTER HIM
ONCE AGAIN, CONTINUING TO GO AFTER DONALD TRUMP.
>> Stephen: NO ( BLEEP )!
OF COURSE!
WHAT DO YOU THINK!
( APPLAUSE )
GOING AFTER THE GUY WHO PLANNED IT!
REMEMBER WHAT WHAT BONNIE SAID AFTER THE FEDS SHOT UP HER CAR:
"WOW, THESE GUYS SEEM REALLY MAD AT CLYDE."
THE BIG STORY HERE OF COURSE IS WHAT ELSE THE COMMITTEE REVEALED
LAST NIGHT.
TURNS OUT, DURING THE RIOT, MEADOWS RECEIVED URGENT TEXT
MESSAGES FROM MULTIPLE FOX NEWS HOSTS AND THE PRESIDENT'S SON
DON JR. WHO WROTE: "WE NEED AN OVAL OFFICE ADDRESS.
HE HAS TO LEAD NOW."
OKAY, THAT REVEALS TWO THINGS ABOUT DON JR.: ONE, HE KNEW HIS
DAD WAS RESPONSIBLE AND FAILING TO LEAD.
AND, TWO, HE DOES NOT HAVE HIS FATHER'S CELL PHONE NUMBER
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
CAN'T GIVE IT TO HIM!
CAN'T GIVE IT TO HIM.
YOU CANNOT GIVE DON-- YOU CANNOT GIVE DON THAT NUMBER.
IT'S TOO RISKY.
HE MIGHT GIVE IT TO ERIC.
IN ONE TEXT, IN ONE TEXT, FOX HOST LAURA INGRAHAM BEGGED,
"MARK, THE PRESIDENT NEEDS TO TELL THE PEOPLE IN THE CAPITOL
TO GO HOME.
THIS IS HURTING ALL OF US.
HE IS DESTROYING HIS LEGACY."
SO, THE JANUARY 6 SCARD LAURA INGRAHAM.
AND KEEP IN MIND, HER SIDE GIG IS APPEARING IN YOUR BATHROOM
MIRROR IF YOU WHISPER MEDICARE FOR ALL" THREE TIMES.
NOW!
THAT'S TRUE!
THAT'S A FACT!
( APPLAUSE )
OF COURSE, THAT WAS HER HONEST REACTION OFF CAMERA.
ON CAMERA, SHE KNEW THE ASSIGNMENT.
SHE KEPT UP THE LIES.
>> EARLIER TODAY, THE CAPITOL WAS UNDER SIEGE BY PEOPLE WHO
CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS ANTITHETICAL TO THE MAGA
MOVEMENT.
NOW, THEY WERE LIKELY NOT ALL TRUMP SUPPORTERS, AND THERE ARE
SOME REPORTS THAT ANTIFA SYMPATHIZERS MAY HAVE BEEN
SPRINKLED THROUGHOUT THE CROWD.
( BOOING ).
>> Stephen: OH, SURE, THAT MAKES SENSE!
THEY WEREN'T HIS SUPPORTERS.
THAT'S WHY, TO GET THEM TO STOP, YOU SENT ALL THOSE PANICKED
TEXTS TO THE MAN RESPONSIBLE: PRESIDENT BOB ANTIFA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
INGRAHAM WASN'T THE ONLY FOX FRAUD FREAKING OUT.
MEADOWS ALSO GOT TEXTS FROM A BUNCH OF FOX STARS:
BRIAN KILMEADE, SEAN HANNITY.
HE EVEN GOT AN INSTAGRAM POST FROM JUDGE JEANNINE'S BOX OF
WINE.
( LAUGHTER )
NEWS HOSTS PUSHED THE BIG ELECTION LIE FOR MONTHS LEADING
UP TO JANUARY 6, AND THEN WHEN THEIR OBEDIENT VIEWERS STORM THE
CAPITOL, THEY ACTED ALL SURPRISED.
REMINDS ME OF CHARLES MANSON'S STATEMENT AFTER HE WAS ARRESTED:
"THEY DID WHAT?!
I WAS KIDDING!
HELTER SORRY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SPEAKING OF-- THAT'S HOW HE SPOKE.
PEOPLE FORGET, THAT'S HOW HE TALKED.
SPEAKING OF THE INSURRECTION, WE'RE GETTING MORE NEWS ABOUT
THE PEOPLE WHO'VE ACTUALLY BEEN ARRESTED FOR IT.
I'LL TELL YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF
"SEDITIONIST ROUNDUP."
>> THE COW-PITAL WAS STORMED BY THE MOO KLUX KLAN.
>> Stephen: TONIGHT IN THE SADDY-WAGON, WE'VE GOT RIOTING
REALTOR AND STEPMOM TELLING YOU YOUR DAD JUST WENT MISSING,
JENNA RYAN.
RYAN WAS FAMOUSLY THE INSURRECTIONIST WHO TOOK A
PRIVATE PLANE TO THE INSURRECTION.
SHE'S SCHEDULED TO GO TO JAIL IN THE NEW YEAR,
AND NOW SHE'S REPORTEDLY PREPARING FOR HER 60 DAYS BEHIND
BARS BY LEARNING PRISON SLANG AND SPEAKING WITH PRISON
CONSULTANTS, EXPLAINING, "I MAY HAVE PEOPLE THAT TRY
TO RUN HUSTLES ON ME, TRY TO TRICK ME."
YEAH, YEAH, YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL.
YOU MIGHT HAVE PEOPLE TRYING TO RUN HUSTLES ON YOU. FOR EXAMPLE,
ANYONE CALLING THEMSELVES A "PRISON CONSULTANT."
IN AN INTERVIEW--
I GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING.
IN AN INTERVIEW, RYAN CLAIMED SHE'S LEARNED A LOT ABOUT HOW TO
ACT IN JAIL, SAYING, "I NOW KNOW THAT THE GENERAL RULES ARE YOU
DON'T TALK TO ANYBODY.
BUT SINCE I'M ALSO A LIFE COACH, I CAN IMAGINE THAT I'LL END UP
MAKING SOME PRETTY GENUINE CONNECTIONS WHILE I'M THERE."
LIFE COACH?
THAT MAKES SENSE.
ALL THE BEST ADVICE I'VE EVER GOTTEN STARTS WITH, "AN INMATE
FROM THE DALLAS CORRECTIONAL FACILITY WANTS YOU TO ACCEPT A
COLLECT CALL."
( LAUGHTER )
NUMBERS ARE, UNFORTUNATELY, ON THE RISE, AND SADLY, SOME PEOPLE
ARE STILL REFUSING TO GET THE VACCINE, LIKE "GENERAL HOSPITAL"
ACTOR AND ABOVE-GROUND POOL SALESMAN WHO HITS ON YOUR WIFE,
INGO RADEMACHER.
LAST MONTH, THIS RANDOM COLLECTION OF CONSONANTS WAS
FIRED BY ABC BECAUSE HE REFUSED TO GET VACCINATED, AND LAST
NIGHT, THE "GENERAL HOSPITAL" ACTOR SUED OVER THE VACCINE
MANDATE.
SORRY, BUDDY, BUT YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW MEDICAL ADVICE.
YOU'RE ON "GENERAL HOSPITAL," NOT "GENERAL STUFF I READ ON
FACEBOOK."
NOW, IF YOU'RE--
NOW, IF YOU'RE UNFAMILIAR WITH INGO'S WORK, CONGRATULATIONS,
YOU HAVE A DAY JOB.
BUT FOR THE LAST 25 YEARS, INGO HAS PLAYED THE CHARACTER
JASPER "JAX" JACKS.
A NAME SO DUMB THEY JACKED IT TWICE.
( LAUGHTER )
ABC's VACCINE MANDATE VIOLATES HIS RELIGIOUS FREEDOM,
EXPLAINING IN HIS LEGAL FILING: "I AM ENTITLED TO A RELIGIOUS
EXEMPTION ON THE BASIS OF MY DEEPLY AND SINCERELY HELD MORAL
BELIEF THAT MY BODY IS ENDOWED BY MY CREATOR WITH NATURAL
PROCESSES TO PROTECT ME."
NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SAYING THAT INGO RADEMACHER IS BEING
RIDICULOUS.
UNLESS...
THAT'S NOT INGO RADEMACHER.
( STING )
BROTHER, VIGO RADEMACHER, WHO JUST WOKE UP FROM A COMA!
( STING )
OF STAIRS BY...
THE WEALTHY HEIRESS, LADY ZANZIBAR!
( STING )
LONG-LOST SISTER, SANDRA GILBERTSON GILBERTSON.
( STING )
LOVER!
( STING )
BECAUSE HE HAS...
AMNESIA!
( STING )
FINAL TWIST, NONE OF THAT IS TRUE, AND INGO RADEMACHER IS, IN
REALITY, JUST A...
STUPID DINGUS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S THE ONE.
>> Jon: THAT'S THE VIBE I WAS THINKING ABOUT.
>> Stephen: BUT COVID'S GETTING BETTER IN SOME PLACES.
NEW ZEALAND PRIME MINISTER AND DEAR FRIEND OF THE SHOW, JACINDA
ARDERN, ANNOUNCED RECENTLY THAT UNDER THE COUNTRY'S COVID
GUIDELINES, ORGIES OF 25 PEOPLE ARE GOOD TO GO IN NEW ZEALAND.
( APPLAUSE )
THE ORGY RULE CAME UP DURING AN INTERVIEW WHERE PRIME MINISTER
ARDERN WAS DISCUSSING HOW TINDER FITS INTO NEW ZEALAND'S
COLOR-CODED TRAFFIC LIGHT COVID WARNING SYSTEM.
>> I KNEW THIS MOMENT WOULD COME.
BUT I CAN CONFIRM THAT TINDER LIAISONS HAVE REOPENED.
(LAUGHS) >> GREAT NEWS FOR MY FRIEND.
>> IT'S NOT-- IT'S NOT STRICTLY EMBEDDED IN THE TRAFFIC LIGHT
SYSTEM BUT, UM, IT IS A GIVEN, UP TO 25 ACTUALLY, IN A RED
AREA.
>> Stephen: I'M GUESSING IF YOU HAVE 25 PEOPLE AT A SEX PARTY,
THERE'S GONNA BE MORE THAN A FEW RED AREAS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THERE ARE STILL--
THERE ARE STILL RESTRICTIONS IN PLACE BUT REPORTEDLY, ORGY
GROUPS IN NEW ZEALAND ARE REJOIG.
I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THAT.
( "LORD OF THE RINGS" THEME SOFTLY PLAYS)
( LAUGHTER )
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE HENRY CAVILL AND JONATHAN GROFF.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE."
STICK AROUND!