Hi again, and welcome to Behind The Songs!
Today I'm going to talk about "In The Waiting."
I wasn't sure if I was going to talk about it...
and I'm still not sure if I'm going to talk about it...
we'll see what happens.
Yeah... Okay. We'll just do it.
What inspired me to write this song...
is that
Jesse and I have been trying
to create another human ...for a long time.
We've been trying for 2.5 years... to no avail.
And um... It's hard.
It's really difficult.
We didn't want to talk about it publicly for a long time,
and as time has gone on, it's more of a
giant part of our existence right now.
And it also dawned on me that by not talking about it
I may be not helping other people that are going through this,
or that might go through this someday. And that maybe me sharing my struggle
might be helpful to some of you.
Yeah, it's a really hard thing when you're like--"Let's start a family!"
"Let's have a baby!" ...and then it's just not possible. Or it seems.
We're still being hopeful, but now that we are 2.5 years in
we've done so much growing, and we've learned so much.
And so we're in a much better place with it now, but
Most of this album was written during this period of time--
the early hard time--which was much much harder than it is now
because we hadn't done as much growing.
It was such a devastating hard thing--once a month just like
full-on break down and feeling so sad about it.
And I found myself, pretty often,
just wanting to skip ahead 'til some day when it works
which--granted, I don't even know if that will happen someday--
But I just kept having this thought--
I just, I want this part to be done. I just want to skip ahead.
And I also had moments like this with my album, too.
My album was so, so meaningful to make, and it was also
so important that it scared me, and it was kind of terrifying, and really hard to make.
And I had moments, too, of being like--I just want the album to be done.
I know I have to record like seven more songs, but I just want the album to be done.
And I found myself wishing this a lot when I was in these very hard moments
And then, one day I was sitting at home and I had this like--"bing!"
where I was like--if I'm in the headspace of wanting to wish away right now,
and skip ahead to some future day, which may or may not ever even exist,
What a sad thing, that these are the seconds I definitely have.
These are the seconds I'm still alive for, and I'm healthy, and I have loved ones...
and the world is beautiful, and I could be out enjoying it,
and instead, I started living my life based around some imaginary thing in the future
and I was wishing away the life that I had, which was still beautiful, and still wonderful,
And so, over these two and a half years
it has been this huge, huge learning.
Another lyric from this song is: "To trust in the timing of my tiny existence"
And, you know, we often think we know what's supposed to happen,
or we know the best way for things to go...
but life is so mysterious and magical,
and things go wrong and then they end up being the best thing that ever happened to you.
Like I think about Jakarta for me and that was the hardest thing
that's ever happened to me, and I'm so grateful for it because I
wouldn't be who I am without it.
I'm trying more and more to trust in the timing--whatever it is--
because I look at my life now and and every time it didn't work,
every time we still weren't making a human,
it would be really sad, and then we would both step back
and we'd say, "What are we grateful for?"
"What have we been able to do that we would have not been able to do had this come to us yet?"
And I would think back, and it'd be like wow--we had that dinner with our parents,
and I wrote this song, and we played this show,
and all these life experiences that I wouldn't have had, had things worked out differently.
And so, while it has been
incredibly painful
and can be hard to sit with sometimes,
I do feel like
I do feel like I've grown so much because of it
and I am really grateful that it's happening the way it is.
Yeah, so
that's kind of why the album was named after this, too.
It was kind of just this whole period in my life.
It felt like I was just waiting.
That life was just waiting for something, until I realized--oh, no
You can't live life waiting, you have to live now.
"Life is in the waiting" as I once said in this very song.
So yeah, and to any of you who have gone through this,
or are going through this, or might go through this someday.
I'm just sending you lots and lots of love, 'cause it's really hard.
But we're stronger for it, and someday if happens we'll be even more grateful,
and if it doesn't happen, we will find other things to do.
But we don't have to get there yet.
The reason why I felt called to shoot it there, is there's this quote
that I heard once and resonates with me so much and it's:
"Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished"
And when I think of that, I think of trees. Especially, giant ancient trees
that have been there for thousands of years. And you look at a tree,
it's just being patient.
Trees aren't fretting about the timeline.
They're not running here and there, and comparing themselves to other people (...trees),
and needing to accomplish so much, or be something.
They're there, and they are just leaning towards the light that they can receive
and they're growing when they can, and they're braving the weather,
and there's such a peace and stillness to the way that trees live, versus humans,
that is very inspiring to me.
It felt fitting for me to do this song, which is about not wishing the present away
in these redwoods that have just sat there, in the present, for so, so long.
I don't know if I did talking about that justice
I wanted to talk about it right...
but talking about things "right" just makes it too scary,
so, that was imperfect and I probably didn't say a lot that I wanted to say
If you guys haven't listened to my song "In The Waiting"
you can listen wherever you listen to music.
Another reminder that if you want this album in vinyl form
I'm making a new batch for you guys.
So you can go to my website and order one of these
so it can live in your home with you!
Okay.
Thank you guys so much for listening.
I'm sorry if that was a lot.
Sending you lots of love.
Thank you guys for listening. Bye!