WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I JUST WANT TO START OFF BY SAYING A HAPPY FRIDAY TO YOU
ALL, IN HERE AND OUT THERE.
I'M THRILLED YOU COULD JOIN US HERE AT THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER
NEW YORK, NEW YORK, THE BIG CITY OF DREAMS.
I HOPE YOU'RE ALL READY FOR THIS WEEKEND, BECAUSE A MAJOR WINTER
STORM IS SET TO SLAM THE NORTHEAST TOMORROW, DROPPING UP
TO 20 INCHES OF SNOW, WHICH YOU WON'T NOTICE, BECAUSE IT'S
HAPPENING OUTSIDE.
BUT SOUTHERN FLORIDA SAW OUR WINTER STORM AND SAID "HOLD MY
BEER AND DON'T TOUCH MY METH" BECAUSE, RECENTLY, A
WEATHER WARNING WAS ISSUED FOR RAINING REPTILES AS IGUANAS
START FALLING FROM SKY IN FLORIDA.
THAT'S RIGHT!
FROM THE PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT YOU "SHARKNADO" IT'S "LIZARD
BLIZZARD."
( APPLAUSE )
WEATHER SYSTEM UP HERE IS CAUSING TEMPERATURES IN FLORIDA
TO PLUMMET, AND IGUANAS OFTEN SLEEP IN TREES DURING COLDER
WEATHER CONDITIONS, SO THEY CAN END UP FALLING FROM BRANCHES
WHEN THEY ENTER A DORMANT STATE AND POTENTIALLY LAND ON
UNSUSPECTING PASSERSBY.
OF COURSE THEY'RE UNSUSPECTING.
THERE'S A WORD FOR PEOPLE WHO WALK AROUND AND EXPECT TO BE
PUMMELED BY FALLING IGUANAS.
AND THAT WORD IS "INSANE."
BY THE WAY, DON'T WORRY TOO MUCH ABOUT THE IGUANAS.
AS ONE FLORIDA METEOROLOGIST EXPLAINED, "THEY ARE NOT DEAD.
DON'T APPROACH.
ONCE THE SUN IS OUT, THEY WILL MOVE."
SO, SAME RULES APPLY TO FROZEN IGUANAS AS APPLY TO GRANDMA IN
HER EASY CHAIR: DON'T TOUCH HER, SHE'LL WAKE UP WHEN THE SUN HITS
HER.
( APPLAUSE )
ALSO IN FLORIDA.
THERE'S BAD NEWS FOR ANYBODY HEAVILY INVESTED IN #2 PENCILS.
THE COLLEGE BOARD JUST ANNOUNCED THE S.A.T. WILL GO
COMPLETELY DIGITAL BY 2024.
I GOT TO SAY, AS A PERSON WHO TOOK THE S.A.T. ON PAPER IN THE
80s, THAT MAWKS ME FEEL OLD.
I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
I MEAN, THAT MAKES ME MEAL "ANTEDILUVIAN."
( APPLAUSE )
COLLEGE BOARD SAID, "THE DIGITAL S.A.T. WILL BE EASIER TO TAKE,
EASIER TO GIVE, AND MORE RELEVANT."
YES, BEING RELEVANT IS KEY.
IT EXPLAINS THIS SAMPLE QUESTION: "WEST ELM CALEB CAN
SHOOT AT LEAST 12 TIKTOKS PER HOUR, UNLESS A KAREN CALLS A
MANAGER ON HIM.
IF HE WERE TO ALSO SPEND THREE HOURS TWITCH-STREAMING A "BREATH
OF THE WILD" SPEED-RUN, WHO IS PETE DAVIDSON'S CURRENT
GIRLFRIEND?"
( APPLAUSE )
THE ANSWER IS "D," ALL OF THE ABOVE.
FANS OF SPORT AND/OR SPANGLY SPANDEX OUTFITS HAVE SOMETHING
TO LOOK FORWARD TO, BECAUSE WE ARE JUST ONE WEEK AWAY FROM
THE OPENING OF THE 2022 WINTER OLYMPICS GAMES.
AND I'LL GIVE YOU ALL THE LATEST IN MY GOLD MEDAL-WORTHY SEGMENT
"WINTER IS COMING: THE ROAD TO THE OLYMPICS."
BROUGHT TO YOU BY CBS: THE OFFICIAL NETWORK OF NOT AIRING
THE OLYMPICS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE'RE NOT DOING IT.
NO!
REFUSE!
THIS YEAR, THE OLYMPICS ARE BEING HELD IN BEIJING, CHINA, A
COUNTRY WITH A HISTORY OF CRACKING DOWN ON BASIC HUMAN
RIGHTS.
IN RESPONSE, THE U.S. HAS ALREADY ANNOUNCED THAT WE WILL
NOT SEND GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS TO THE GAMES.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
TREASURY SECRETARY JANET YELLEN REALLY SHREDS ON THE HALF-PIPE.
( LAUGHTER )
OLYMPICS.
THERE SEEMS TO BE SOME MIXED SIGNALS ON THE SUBJECT OF
ATHLETES MIXING, BECAUSE BEIJING OLYMPICS ORGANIZERS ARE MAKING
CONDOMS AVAILABLE, BUT ATHLETES ARE INSTRUCTED TO MINIMIZE
PHYSICAL INTERACTIONS SUCH AS HUGS, HIGH-FIVES, AND
HANDSHAKES.
WAIT, THEY'RE GIVING OUT CONDOMS BUT SAYING YOU CAN'T HIGH-FIVE?
COME ON!
THAT'S THE BEST PART OF HAVING SEX!
YOU KNOW, GREAT JOB!
TEAM WORK!
WHAT ARE ATHLETES SUPPOSED TO DO WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO DO?
>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO DO AFTERWARDS, LAY THERE NOT
HIGH-FIVING?
A FIST BUMP IS SO IMPERSONAL, AND THUMB WRESTLING JUST TAKES
TOO LONG.
IT'S NOT EXACTLY CLEAR WHEN ATHLETES WILL GET THIS
PROTECTION, THOUGH.
ORGANIZERS SAID, "ALL OLYMPIC-RELATED UNITS WILL
PROVIDE APPROPRIATE QUANTITIES OF CONDOMS FOR FREE AT THE
APPROPRIATE TIME."
FIRST OF ALL, LET'S ACKNOWLEDGE THAT "OLYMPIC-RELATED UNIT" IS A
PRETTY GREAT EUPHEMISM FOR PENIS.
( LAUGHTER )
PROVIDED "AT THE APPROPRIATE TIME"?
WHO DETERMINES THAT TIME?
"AND THE CONDOM HANDOFF IS COMPLETE, AND THEY'RE MOVING
FROM THE TRIPLE LUTZ TO REVERSE COWGIRL, CAN THEY STICK
THE LANDING?
AND THEY DID IT!
AMAZING DISMOUNT!
AMAZING."
BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT BEIJING'S FAMOUS SMOG PROBLEM, BECAUSE
BEHIND THE SCENES, THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT IS WORKING HARD TO
CONTROL THE WEATHER, YES, BECAUSE
"WEATHER CONTROL MACHINE" IS SOMETHING YOU ALWAYS ASSOCIATE
WITH THE GOOD GUYS.
THEY'RE GOING TO HOLD THE OPENING CEREMONIES IN A REMOTE
VOLCANO LAIR, WITH A PERFORMANCE OF SYNCHRONIZED HENCHMEN IN THE
SHARK MOAT.
THESE WEATHER MACHINES WILL HELP FIX A SMALL PROBLEM FOR THE
EVENTS HELD ON SNOW-- THERE'S NO SNOW.
THESE GAMES WILL BE THE FIRST TO USE 100% ARTIFICIAL SNOW BY
DEPLOYING MORE THAN 100 SNOW GENERATORS AND 300 SNOW-MAKING
GUNS AND 49 MILLION GALLONS OF CHEMICALLY-TREATED WATER.
PERFECT FOR ANYBODY WHO'S PEERED INTO THE DEEP-BLUE SLOSHING
CONTENTS OF A GREYHOUND TOILET AND SAID, "I WISH I COULD DO
SPORTS ON THAT!"
( APPLAUSE )
WHAT IS-- WHAT IS-- WHAT IS-- WHAT IS THAT SOUND I'M NOT
HEARING IN MY FAKE EARPIECE IN MY DEAF EAR.
THAT WE'VE GOT AN UPDATE ON A RECENT STORY, WHEN WE TOLD YOU
ABOUT ANTI-VAX LEADER AND CLUB OWNER AUDITIONING STRIPPERS ON
ZOOM, CHRIS KEY.
AS WE DISCUSSED, KEY IS A POPULAR FIGURE AMONG FAR-RIGHT
ONLINE COMMUNITIES WHO HAS A HISTORY OF MAKING DISCREDITED
MEDICAL CLAIMS, INCLUDING URGING HIS FOLLOWERS TO DRINK THEIR OWN
URINE IN ORDER TO FIGHT COVID, ADDING, "I DRINK MY OWN URINE!"
WELL, AT LEAST HE PUTS HIS URINE WHERE HIS MOUTH IS.
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S HIS JOB TO CONDUCT A CITIZEN'S ARREST OF DEMOCRATIC
GOVERNORS, AND TO DO SO, HE'S GOING ON A CROSS-COUNTRY ROAD
TRIP.
"OKAY, EVERYBODY, WE'VE GOT A REST STOP COMING UP.
DOES ANYONE NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM OR GET A DRINK?
'CAUSE I DON'T NEED EITHER."
BUT...
♪ ♪ ♪ IT'S A THINKER.
THE TRICK GETS EVEN--
>> NO, CAN'T APPLAUD URINE JOKES.
THANK YOU, THOUGH.
BUT THE TRIP GETS EVEN DUMBER, BECAUSE KEY CLAIMS THAT DESPITE
OPERATING A MOTOR VEHICLE, HE DOESN'T NEED A DRIVER'S LICENSE
BECAUSE, "I TRAVEL.
YOU ONLY 'DRIVE' IF YOU ARE COMMITTING COMMERCE."
WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT COMMERCE, BUT HE SHOULD
DEFINITELY BE COMMITTED SOMEWHERE.
SPEAKING OF QUACKS, TV CHARLATAN AND MYSTERIOUS WIDOWER PUTTING
THE MOVES ON YOUR RICH MOM, DOCTOR OZ.
THE DOC IS RUNNING FOR THE REPUBLICAN NOMINATION FOR SENATE
IN PENNSYLVANIA, AND HE'S BEEN TRYING TO DRUM UP G.O.P.
SUPPORT, AND IT IS NOT GOING WELL.
IN A RECENT STRAW POLL OF STATE REPUBLICAN COMMITTEE MEMBERS, HE
RECEIVED JUST ONE VOTE OUT OF MORE THAN 100 CAST.
AND THEN THIS WEEKEND, HE UNDERPERFORMED EXPECTATIONS
AGAIN, FINISHING THIRD IN ONE STRAW POLL AND FOURTH IN
ANOTHER.
SO, THE GUY WHO PEDDLED FAKE WEIGHT-LOSS PRODUCTS LIKE GREEN
COFFEE BEAN EXTRACT AND HOT PEPPER JELLY HAS FINALLY FOUND A
PRODUCT SO FRAUDULENT EVEN HE CAN'T SELL IT: HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WHY-- WHY-- BEAUTIFUL VIEW.
WHY IS DOCTOR OZ LOSING SO BADLY?
EXPERTS SAY IT MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH HIS
TENUOUS CONNECTION TO PENNSYLVANIA, ADDING THAT HE WAS
A LONGTIME RESIDENT OF NEW JERSEY, AND VOTED THERE AS
RECENTLY AS 2020.
WELL, THAT EXPLAINS HIS CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: "DR. OZ FOR NEW JERSEY--
I MEAN, PENNSYLVANIA!"
( APPLAUSE )
I THINK I CAN HELP, WITH DR. STEPHEN T. COLBERT'S
RASPBERRY-TURMERICKETONE MIRACLE POLL-BOOST SUPPLEMENT.
IT MAKES YOU MORE LIKABLE AND ELECTABLE, WHILE REDUCING BELLY
FAT.
ALL FOR ONE LOW PAYMENT OF, GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY.
NOW, I WILL WARN YOU, THIS IS THE PILL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S BIG.
BUT, DR. OZ, YOU CAN STICK IT UP YOUR ASS.
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE MARLEE MATLIN AND "STATION ELEVEN" STAR, MACKENZIE
DAVIS.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"