Well, hello and welcome to this episode of The Terri Cole Show where we're going to be
talking about confidence. So let me ask you, do you know those people in your life, they walk
into a room and all eyes are on them? Hey, maybe you are those people, but have you ever wondered
how those people got to be the way they are, coming in and being able to command a room?
Being able to set a boundary and stand firm? Being able to speak what's on their mind and not be that
worried about what other people think? That is real self-confidence. And in today's video,
I'm gonna be talking to you about ways that you can build more self-confidence. A lot of people
think that people are just born that way, and yes, we are born extroverted or introverted,
but there are things that you can do to create more self-confidence.
So before we get into it, I just want to say thanks for being here. And if you happen to be
new to the channel, say hello because we are a friendly group. Please make sure that you
subscribe and hit the bell icon so that you don't miss any of my new stuff. I put out new things
every Tuesday and Thursday, and I wouldn't want you to miss a thing. Now that we got that done,
I also wanna say thank you. I'd love to highlight your comments. So I'm highlighting from Alessa4588
under the episode called Why Self-Love is the Path to True Love. And Alessa says, "Great video. I
clicked on it right away. I appreciate it when you do videos on self-love. Much needed. Thank
you." Well, thank you. I super duper appreciate you being here and actually taking the time to
put down a comment. All right, let's move it on into today's episode.
Okay. So as I said at the top, people have a tendency to think, oh, that person's just
confident. That's the way they were born. That's the way they are. And although there is some truth
to nature and nurture, and extroverts and introverts,
self-confidence is something that no matter how you interact in the world, is something
that you can build and that we can always have more of self-confidence and self-esteem.
So there's a couple of ways that you can start to create it, but let's first identify what it is.
Self-confidence is really like the feeling that you can handle your life,
that no matter what happens, you'll kind of figure it out. It's like when you're self-confident,
you are not driven by fear, you're informed by fear, right? Because all of us should respect
our fears, because a lot of times fear has something really valuable
to teach us, but we don't want our lives driven by fear. When you're self-confident,
you believe that how you feel, what you think, what you want matters. And it's not to say
that it matters more than anyone else, but what really matters in the way of our self-confidence
and our self-knowledge and having healthy boundaries internally and externally,
is that how you feel, what you think, what you want needs to matter to you
more than what anyone else wants, thinks and feels. I mean, barring minor children,
right? You guys know I'm never talking about you comparing yourself to your three-year-old
kid that you're responsible for. This is just in life - how we interact with the rest of the world.
If you're waiting, if you're checking to see how other people are receiving what you're saying,
if you have the disease to please, if you are seeking external validation all the time, that's
the opposite of having real self-confidence. Because self-confidence is the thing that says,
do I approve of what I'm doing? Of how I'm being? Of what I'm doing in my
relationship? Of the decisions that I'm making? And another thing with self-confidence is that
we have to be willing to take responsibility for our choices. And I think a lot of times,
especially if you get stuck, like you get analysis paralysis when it comes to making decisions,
I wonder how many of you suffer from that, that it's almost like we'll put off making
a decision because we're like analyzing it from every different form, every way, every view,
every lens, getting all these opinions. But what we're really doing is we are putting off
making a decision. And a lot of times what happens is that decision inevitably gets
made because of how we have dragged our feet on making the decision. So self-confidence
means that you are confident to say yes or no. You are confident to pursue something.
Doesn't mean you can't change your mind. Doesn't mean you can't turn the ship around,
but you're at least willing to say, yes, I'm gonna do it, and go for it. That was the longest way
around the barn to get back to what does that come from? It comes from a deep-seated feeling that
basically you're gonna be okay, right? We've all been through hell and back in this life, I can't
imagine anyone who hasn't had sad and horrible things happen to them. And you've survived exactly
100% of every horrible experience that's ever happened to you. If you are watching this video,
if you are listening to this podcast, then you have survived them all. And hopefully that can
create a sense of self-confidence. So don't feel like either you're born with it or you're not. You
can develop it. And I wanted to cover before I get into ways that you can build it, things
that basically cut down our self-confidence. And one of them is having disordered boundaries.
Because if we can't stand for our preferences, our limits, our desires and our deal breakers,
if we can't express them, if we can't say to someone, "actually I didn't like that," or "I
would prefer this," we are not making any deposits in our self-confidence gas tank,
right? Because what we're doing is we're going along to get along. Could be fear of conflict,
could be fear of rejection. There's so many reasons. Could be modeled behavior. Maybe you
just learned that children should be seen and not heard or whatever it is that planted this limiting
belief that it's better to sort of go under the radar than it is to stand up and be counted.
I promise you, a life spent not standing up and being counted for really creates a ton of
resentment that you actually don't want to live with. So, one other thing I wanna mention before
I get into ways that you can build your self-confidence is the imposter syndrome.
Because a lot of you have written in to me about feeling like you experience it from time to time,
and I just wanna say that's normal. If you get a big new job, having moments of like, "Wow, dude,
can I really do this job? Are you sure this job is for me? Are you sure they meant to choose me?"
Having those moments is normal. The actual syndrome itself, the imposter syndrome,
the definition is a persistent inability to believe that one's success is deserved,
right? Or has been legitimately achieved from your own efforts and skills.
But most people who write in to me are not experiencing this in a persistent way. So what
I wanna say is, you may experience the imposter syndrome at different moments in your life,
but that does not mean that you are not legitimately confident. It's just a moment,
right? And this is how fear presents in our lives. So let's talk about what are things that you can
do to build your confidence? And I have to say, setting small goals for yourself and actually
following through, having an accountability partner. It could be a sibling or a friend,
things that you want to do that- they don't have to be major. The key is that you actually
follow through with them because nothing diminishes our confidence as quickly as
making promises to ourselves and breaking them. So if you can count on you to do the things you
say you're gonna do, that builds confidence. Because when we think about what is confidence,
it's knowing ourselves. It's knowing that we are okay. It's knowing that if we say we're
gonna do something, we can count on ourselves to do it. So one thing is just little goals. Choose
something achievable, right? That will make you feel good. Look at the habits that negatively
impact your life and then choose again to slowly but surely bring in new or better habits. And it
could be something as simple as, I'm gonna walk for 10 minutes a day for the next 30 days. Let's
say if you are trying to move your physical body more and you haven't been able to do it,
again, we want achievable, something that's actually doable. You can declutter a room
or an area in your house that you spend time in, that maybe that's bothering you. You can
set up a zen den if you don't have one. You can just set up a little sacred space where
you can journal, where you can meditate, where you can read spiritual text or whatever your morning
routine is. Part of the process of confidence is also being solution focused in life. It's not
ruminating on what's wrong or what's bad, right? You're allowed to complain about things in life.
We all have complaints, but make a commitment that if you're going to complain, you're also going
to be committed to coming up with at least one solution to that complaint. If it's something that
you can do something about. Give yourself time and space in life to be prepared for whatever your day
holds. A lot of times, lack of self-confidence comes from lack of planning, right? Or it
certainly negatively impacts our self-confidence because if you're rushing around in the morning,
if you're barely getting to where you need to be, or hopping on that zoom at the very last second,
that does not breed confidence, especially if you're actually being late in life.
If you're actually being late to whatever it is you need to do. Because think about what
position does consistently being late put you in? A one-down position, because you're
literally starting a meeting or a relationship by being like, oh my God, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry. Sorry I'm late. This happened. That happened. But it does not feel good. And hey,
you may have challenges that make the whole time thing more difficult if you have ADHD,
sometimes it's almost impossible, but you have to plan for that, right? You have to do your best to
work in additional time or let the people know. If I were time challenged, I would have my team
change every meeting of mine to 15 minutes earlier so that I would have a little bit of breathing
space. So I don't know exactly the right thing for people to do because I don't have ADHD, but
I do know that there are certain challenges that we may have that make being on time challenging,
but then put your effort into figuring out how it can be less challenging for you.
Because again, confidence is also setting yourself up to succeed.
When we know how to set ourselves up to succeed, we feel confident in executing things. So it means
giving yourself the consideration that you give to other people and other people's projects and what
other people are doing. You need to give that to yourself. And another thing that I would love for
you to do, two other ideas of things that you can do to build self-confidence is I would love you
to create a brag book of things you've already done in the past that you're really proud of,
right? And you can do it online, you can do it in a list, you can do it in the notes on your phone,
but it's really helpful, especially if the imposter syndrome hits, to have data that reminds
us like, oh yeah, I am capable. I can do this. So that's one thing is having a brag list or
a brag book. But another thing is allowing yourself to feel all the feelings. No matter
how much I achieve in my life, no matter the things that I do, they are anxiety provoking
when I'm doing something I've never done for the first time, whether it's writing a book, whether
it's giving a big talk with like lots and lots of people, whether it's doing TV shows, there is
going to be a part of me that is afraid to fail, that is afraid that I'm not good enough or that I
don't have enough brains to do it or whatever my fear mind is telling me at the moment.
But I create space for all of that because this, my friends, is part of the human condition.
So it can't just be that we only wanna feel comfortable or we only wanna feel good. And
listen, you can want those things and you can live your life that way.
But I promise you, your life will be smaller than you want it to be if you live that way. Because
uncomfortable feelings and being afraid to fail and allowing ourselves to fail,
this is a part of succeeding, is sometimes failing and realizing you are okay. You are okay,
we're okay. We can have a hard conversation. We're all gonna be okay. You can fail at
something. I failed at zillions of things in my career, right? Because what is failing?
Sometimes it's trying something and going, yeah, you know what? That's not really for me.
That's not actually my thing. Does that make me a failure? No. I've changed careers a bunch of
times. Does that mean that my career as a talent agent isn't valid? No, it just means it was time
for me to move on. None of those things are mistakes. They're just the tapestry of my life.
And you will have your own unique and beautiful tapestry, but allow yourselves to color outside
of the lines. Give yourself grace when you make mistakes, because it takes courage to
try. And this is where confidence is built, in our ability to do new things, try new things,
and come through for ourselves. So all of the ideas I have for you for building
more self-confidence is gonna be in the guide, terricole.com/guide. I hope that this episode
of The Terri Cole Show added value to your one and only amazing life. If it did, please share it with
the people in your world. I hope you guys have an amazing week, and as always, take care of you.