- Nobody wants to be codependent.
No one says, "Oh, I love being codependent,
"I love my identity being lost in someone else's."
But does your world revolve around someone else?
Do you prioritize other people's needs over your own?
If so, you are codependent,
and it's really time start noticing that
and then putting yourself first.
Keep watching.
I'm going to show you how.
So, what is codependency?
Well, it's a relationship
where you are so invested in the other person
that you just can't function independently.
Your world revolves around another person
and around that other person's happiness and wellbeing.
They dictate your mood, they dictate your happiness,
they dictate your entire life.
And there is a pattern of prioritizing their needs
over your own personal needs
and putting their desires right in front of
and as a priority over your desires.
And it way goes beyond this being occasional.
Of course, we've all said,
"Hey, you know, I want to go across town
"and buy this special candy for my boyfriend or girlfriend.
"I'm doing something just for them.
"I'm getting tickets, making a special dinner,
"making an effort to get something for them."
That's okay.
It's when every day what you want
comes so far after what they want.
So, loving someone enough to want to do something for them
and want to support them is very different
to putting supporting them ahead of supporting you,
putting loving them way in front of loving you.
It's where the level of support is so extreme
it's unhealthy.
So here are some signs of codependency:
low self-esteem, not trusting yourself,
seeking the approval of others, being needy,
putting more value on that other person's opinion of you
than your opinion of you,
struggling to communicate within the relationship,
struggling to make decisions
without the other person's approval,
struggling to understand and process how you're feeling,
fearing abandonment, no longer having an opinion,
being a people-pleaser, and always apologizing.
So how do you break free
from codependency and find who you are?
Well, first, you really have to work on your self-worth.
You see, it may seem weird to hear this
if you're codependent, but it's the truth,
the most important opinion in the whole world
is your opinion.
When you say to your partner, "Do I look okay?"
"Are you sure?"
"Are you sure I look okay?"
"Did I do okay?"
"What do you think of this?"
"Is it really okay?"
When you ask those questions,
you're giving someone else the power
and the job of telling you how you feel.
When you say, "Look, I know you don't like it,
"but I love it."
I'll give you an example,
my husband hates some of the stuff I watch.
And I don't go, "I know it's really stupid.
"I know it's really silly.
"Yeah, I shouldn't watch it."
I go, "Listen, it makes me happy.
"I like it.
"You don't like it, but you can read.
"Do not diminish what is giving me joy
"because it's giving me joy."
I used to love watching 'Orange is the New Black.'
He didn't really love it
but I never said, "Oh, I won't watch it, you don't like it.
"I won't put it on, you don't get it."
I said, "I'd like to watch this.
"I'm happy to put on headphones,
"but I don't want you to sit there and diminish it.
"I wouldn't do that to you."
So I had enough self-worth to go,
"I like this and I don't want you to diminish it."
But when you are codependent, you give up,
"Oh, I won't go there, you don't like it.
"I won't listen to that music, you don't like it."
Some of my music, my husband doesn't like,
he doesn't even understand.
But I don't say, "Well, I'll never play that again."
I like it, I play it.
I love UB40.
He doesn't love UB40,
but I still play it when I'm working out.
I don't think, "Oh, I can't play that anymore."
I like some stuff to eat
that he doesn't like and vice versa.
I don't think, "I'll never have that in the house,
"what's the point?
"He doesn't like it."
But when you're codependent,
you give up the food you like,
the music you like, the books you like,
you give up working out if your partner doesn't like it.
And that's wrong because you are losing yourself.
So, work on remembering, "Hey, I like this.
"This is important to me, this gives me joy.
"No one has to do it with me, but I don't have to give it up."
So look at your self-worth.
What do you love?
What makes you happy?
What makes your heart sing?
And do not give up the things you love
because the person in your life doesn't love them.
Give up negative self-talk.
Don't be down on yourself, and give up apologizing.
Don't ever do this,
"You're unhappy, what did I do wrong?"
"You seem in a mood, how have I upset you?"
"What have I done?"
"Why are you upset?"
"Tell me what's wrong."
"Tell me what's wrong with me."
"Why am I not good enough for you?"
If someone is unhappy, say,
"You seem really unhappy.
"You actually seem kind of cranky.
"And I guess something's going on in your world.
"Would you like me to leave you alone to work it out?
"Or can I help you come out of it?"
But don't assume it's your fault.
And don't say things like,
"Oh, I'm so sorry, I know I'm hard to live with."
"I'm sorry, I know I'm difficult."
"I'm sorry I'm needy."
"I'm sorry I'm not techy like you."
"I'm sorry I'm not perfect."
"I'm sorry I'm messy."
If I say to my daughter, "You're really messy."
She says, "Mom, I'm an artist.
"That's what artists do."
She doesn't apologize for who she is.
And I never say, "Oh, yeah.
"I'm sorry I'm speaking to you like a therapist,"
because I'm a therapist in my soul.
So if someone said to me, "I'm really unhappy,"
I'd say, "You're really unhappy because...?"
I wouldn't go, "Oh, sorry, I'm being a therapist."
We must not apologize for who we are,
what makes our heart sing.
So if you're messy and someone else is tidy,
don't try and adapt to their world.
But don't you think
that you have to make them adapt to yours either.
Stop criticizing yourself.
Stop being down on yourself.
Think about having some therapy,
or at least reading a book.
My new book, 'Tell Yourself a Better Lie,'
shows you how you can do many simple forms of therapy
on yourself, so consider reading books on therapy,
looking at courses, or indeed seeing a therapist.
Reframe thought patterns.
So, think about your own thinking.
You see, this is how it works in the law of behavior.
First, you have a thought, then you have a feeling,
then you have a behavior or an action.
So if the thought comes first,
before you're trying to change the action,
the behavior, or the feeling,
go back to the thought.
And the thought is often,
"You won't like me if you know I'm insecure,
"I better hide that.
"You'll judge me if I'm messy, I better hide that.
"You'll disapprove of me
"if you know that I watch cat videos sometimes,
"so I better pretend I don't do that anymore.
"I better pretend I'm someone else
"in case you don't approve of me."
But you know, in doing that,
in changing your behavior
to make someone else approve of you,
even if you pull that off,
you actually stop approving of yourself.
And that's such a shame.
So, spend time with people who like you.
Don't involve yourself entirely
in your relationship with your other person
so they are everything.
See your friends, see your family,
see people who make you feel good.
If you have given up everyone,
and there's just you and this person,
and you're adapting to their world,
molding and shaping yourself
into someone you think they want, it doesn't work.
In order to find yourself again, try something new,
spend time finding out what makes your heart sing.
What makes you happy?
Who you are. What are your desires?
What are your boundaries?
Find yourself.
You know, many years ago, I met someone
and her husband had left, and she was so sad.
And she said, "You know, I'm nothing without him."
I said, "But that's not true.
"You have two children, you're everything for them."
"No, I don't exist without him."
She was so sad, so lonely.
She felt nothing without her person who had moved on.
And then she got a job in an animal shelter
because the nights were so lonely,
her kids were teenagers,
and she began to work with rescued animals.
She said, "You know, this week I was feeding tiny robins
"whose mothers had died.
"I was helping little, tiny orphan fox cubs.
"I was feeding hedgehogs and I was just so happy.
"And then, would you believe it?
"I met a guy also volunteering at this shelter
"for abandoned animals, and we're madly in love."
So she didn't think,
"Hey, let me go and work at this,
"volunteer at this shelter for injured wild animals
"because I'll find a guy there."
She thought, "Let me do something
"that would take me out of myself."
And in becoming out of herself
and falling in love with feeding baby robins,
baby foxes, baby hedgehogs, she had a passion, a joy,
it made her heart sing.
And she found someone who loved her
because he saw the compassionate, kind, caring side.
And often that happens.
People say, "I was so sad,
"My husband died.
"I joined a running club just to get out of the house,
"just to have someone to talk to.
"Suddenly, I found I loved running.
"And then, lo and behold,
"I met someone else running,
"and now we're happily together."
So please don't be a people-pleaser.
Don't do that,
"What do you want to eat?"
"I'll have what you have."
"Where do you want to go?"
"I'll go where you go."
"What movie you want to see?"
"Well, I'll see what you want to you see."
Don't lose your identity.
Never forget who you are.
You are here to be yourself,
and you can't be yourself
if you're trying to become someone else.
And here's another very important thing to remember,
in any relationship, even the same gender,
we fall in love with the opposite.
Women like men who are muscly.
Men often like curves.
But even in a same-sex relationship, we go,
"Oh, I love you because you're different."
My husband is funny, he's compelling.
He's very different to me.
But we like qualities that we don't have.
I was on a plane with him, and he said to me,
"You know, I marvel at your ability to not let in stress.
"I'm amazed that you just let it go."
And I love that he marveled at something I have
that he doesn't have.
But I marvel at his abilities to be an amazing marketer.
I marvel at my daughter's ability to just
put art on canvas.
I don't think, "Oh, I better be like you,
"and you better be like me."
You can only be like yourself.
And when you like who you are and go, "Well, this is me.
"We're different." Because the truth is,
in your entire life,
the best you can ever hope to be is a flawed person
having a flawed relationship with a flawed person.
And when someone says,
"I don't like that band,"
"I don't like that show."
Don't go, "I never watch it."
Say, "Well, I watch it when you're not here."
"I'll look at that when you're not there."
If you want to grow in self-confidence
and learn how to really, really like yourself,
because when you like yourself,
I can promise you, other people like you more.
When you want to elevate your sense of self-worth,
self-value, and self-image
so that everyone around you amazingly elevates these things
after you elevate them.
You know, when you massively elevate your own sense
of self-worth, self-image,
self-esteem, and self-identity, and self-assuredness,
everyone around you elevates their sense of who you are too,
but you have to do it first.
So click the link below to access my
'Confidence and Self-Esteem' audio
so you can develop bulletproof self-esteem,
self-acceptance,
and bulletproof, rejection-proof, self-love too.