Dear customers.
This is Brad from Woolworths and I’m here to talk to you about the steps Woolworths
has taken to ensure every one of our customers has access to our high quality goods in these
challenging times.
We’ve set up some common sense trading restrictions that will help all members of the community
get the items they need.
You may have seen recent news articles where Woolworths took the unprecedented step of
dedicating the first hour of trade to pensioners and seniors.
This a first for Australia and it shows that Woolworths are dedicated to looking after
the vulnerable in our community.
Sure, there were a few teething problems.
There were long queues and some of our stores didn’t even have any toilet paper or tissues
in stock, but I can promise you this — that won’t happen again!
From next week, we are implementing some exciting new restrictions that will really help all
members in our community get the items they need.
Let’s get started!
Mondays will now be designated as Help the Elderly day.
As you can see here, from 7am to 8am, doors will be open to 95-year-olds and above.
This is to make sure that they can access all the quality products that they’ve come
to expect at Woolworths without having to fight the crowds.
8am to 9am will be designated for 90 to 94-year-olds.
This pattern will continue in five-year increments until 2pm.
Note that you must bring identification so that we can verify your age, and that if you
fail to remove yourself from the store at the appropriate time, you will be forcefully
removed.
From 2pm, everyone else will be allowed entry.
Of course, there probably won’t be anything left, but that’s okay!
Because…
On Tuesday, it’s Help the Young day!
From 7am to 8am, 0 to 3-year-olds will be allowed entry along with a parent or carer.
A birth certificate will be required for all entrants.
Note that parents or carers will not be allowed to touch any of the products or influence
their children’s purchasing decision in any way (for example, by speaking or pointing
to a product).
Failure to so will result in the carer being forcefully removed.
16 to 25-year-olds will not require a carer.
Wednesdays will be designated as Alphabet Day!
Doors will open to all customers at 7am, however, there will be some rules put in place.
You can only buy items that begin with the same letter as your surname with item names
as listed on our website.
Note, there will be no limits on Alphabet Day, so if your surname begins with A, you
can buy as many Ambi Pur Car Air Fresheners as you like.
If your surname starts with V, feel free to load your trolley up with salt-reduced Vegemite
or Vege Chip Multi Packs.
Alphabet Day is all about having fun!
Thursdays will be assigned as Preppers Day.
We understand that many of our customers firmly believe that the Apocalypse is upon us so
we will be opening our doors at midnight on Thursdays to allow all our prepping customers
to stockpile.
However, there are a couple of strict rules.
Firstly, you must buy a minimum of 10 of each item that you put in your trolley.
That is, if you’d like to buy an Espressotoria Milk Frother, you’ll have to buy at least
10 of them.
Secondly, you must spend a minimum of $1,000.
This is to make sure that only true preppers enter our store.
Doors will close at 6am, so make sure you get in early.
For a bit of family fun on Fridays, we’re going to have a treasure hunt!
All are welcome but to make things interesting, all essential items will be taken off the
shelves.
Instead, these items will be hidden throughout the store.
So for example, individual toilet paper rolls could be hidden behind other groceries, or
under shelves, or even under the cash registers.
The good thing about Woolworths Treasure Hunts is that there are no limits!
That’s right!
If you can find it, you can keep it.
Bring the family along on Fridays and have a great day out!
And now for my biggest announcement.
On Saturdays, we’ve actually teamed up with — you’re not going to believe this — the
Ultimate Fighting Championship.
Together with the UFC, we have come up with the Woolworths Ultimate Food Fight.
This is no ordinary food fight.
This is a literal fight for food (and toilet paper).
All customers must be willing to fight.
Mixed martial arts gloves will be provided free of charge.
Each customer has a single five-minute round to grab as many groceries as they can.
Note, there will be no item limits.
However, unified MMA rules will apply.
That is, customers will be allowed to strike each other with their fists, elbows, knees,
feet, and so on.
Head butts, eye-gouging, biting, spitting, hair-pulling, etc. will not be allowed and
will result in immediate and forceful removal.
(We’re not barbarians after all).
Keep it clean.
Listen to all commands given to you by our fully-trained staff.
But most of all, have fun!
And finally, Sundays will be our Clean Up day.
As you can imagine, after having the Treasure Hunt on Fridays, and the Ultimate Food Fight
on Saturdays, the store will be in a bit of a state, so unfortunately we’ll have to
close every Sunday into the foreseeable future.
Anyway, these are the new and exciting restrictions that we’ll be enforcing from next week.
Ultimately, we want every member of the community to be able to access our wide range of high-quality
products.
Thank you and goodbye.
G’day everyone!
This is Steven Cain from Coles.
Just letting you know that Coles are also implementing some new rules due to the ongoing
shortages.
Instead of complicating things like Woolworths have, we’re gonna keep things simple.
First of all, we’re removing all essential items from our shelves, toilet paper, pasta,
and so on.
Instead, for every $30 you spend, you’ll get one free toilet roll!
For every $50 you spend, you’ll get one packet of pasta.
And for every $100 you spend, you’ll get a free bottle of hand sanitiser!
So all you have to do is do your regular shop at Coles, say $300 worth, and you’ll get
yourself 10 rolls of toilet paper, six packets of pasta, and three bottles of hand sanitiser,
all for free!
As I’ve always said, “Good things are happening at Coles!”.
Guten Tag.
Dies ist ein Vertreter von Aldi.
Aldi hat kein Toilettenpapier mehr.
Es ist kein Toilettenpapier mehr übrig.
Wir ersetzen alle Toilettenpapiere durch hochwertige deutsche Schokolade.
Deutsche Schokolade ist Toilettenpapier weit überlegen.
Vielen Dank für Ihr anhaltendes Engagement in Deutschland.
Es lebe Aldi!