It’s Chelsea vs Real Madrid: Alternative Commentary...
- With me, Fletch! - And me Steve McManamaaa....
Not a chance, Steve Mcmanmana!
We’d rather have big fat cocks in our ears than the sound of your voice!
Speak for yourself, Jose...
Alternative commentary...
With me, Cristiano Ronaldo, the greatest Real Madrid player of all time!
And me, the Special One, the greatest Chelsea, Man Utd, Spurs, Porto, Inter & Real Madrid manager of all time!
- The auto-cue only said Chelsea! - Auto-cue, pah!
I like my commentary to be creative and free-flowing, just like my teams...
What?
Just like Sergio Ramos in the summer, Timo Werner is totally free!
Or maybe he’s just trying to hail a cab back to Germany…
Mount plays it in... GOAL!
No! The linesman has his flag up! No goal!
Hmmm, that linesman looks familiar…
Well it certainly isn’t the linseman I had in the 2005 semi-final versus Liverpool…
He’d have let that count. P***.
Benzema turns on a centime… SAVED!
That head protector is really channeling Mendy’s inner Petr Cech!
German Fellaini is through!
He’s gone full George Best!
GOAL! German Martial scores!
But was he onside? The linesman doesn’t seem to think so...
Let’s face it, with an open goal from 3 yards out...
...there were 14,000,605 possible outcomes there, and how many do you think had Timo Werner scoring?
- One? - Precisely. Lucky Chelsea!
And the half time whistle goes! Time for a 15 minute break...
Just enough time for a quick sunbed...
I prefer not to peek. If I peek, I am in big trouble...
Let’s use this 15 minutes to watch Eden Hazard’s first half-highlights…
Well what the hell am I supposed to do now?
Why don’t you just slate Paul Pogba for 15 minutes?
- But he’s not even playing? - Works for me...
The second-half is underway!
The game is down there, Jose! Why are you looking at me?
I prefer not to speak. If I speak, I am in big trouble...
Azpilicueta crosses it in… OFF THE BAR! Tibo Courtois was beaten!
I think Tubo Courtois has been using the same sunbed as you...
- What? - Oh my apologies…
- ...that’s just the colour of his kit. Haha! - P***!
- Oh, Gareth Southgate won’t be happy! - Why?
Mason Mount is one-on-one with another man... He’s missed!
I’d prefer you not to speak. If you keep speaking, we will be in big trouble…
Mainly with Gareth Southgate’s lawyers...
Miss Germany is through! MISSED!
Ah, that’s better...
Ngolo Kante must score! MISSED!
Never mind weekly tests for COVID 19...
...if I were Thomas Tuchel I’d be doing weekly tests for WERNER11 - the whole squad seem have it!
Pulisic is in!
If anyone knows how to pull the trigger, it’s surely the American…
He squares it... GOAL!
- Mason Mount wins it for Chelsea! - Serves Real Madrid right for selling me...
YES!
If we speak, we are in big trouble…
Oh, look. Eden Hazard is being subbed off… which begs the question…
- When did he come on? HAHA! - And the final whistle goes!
16 years too late, Chelsea are going to Istanbul! Chelsea fans, dust off your plastic flags!
JohnTerry, dust off your full Chelsea kit! Liverpool & Man United fans, switch off your social media!
- It’s Man City vs Chelsea in the Champions League Final! - AKA EL PLASTICO!
- Thanks for watching and... - Goodnight…
- Let’s hope Steve McManaman doesn’t recover in time for the final... - Amen to that...
You were exaggerating when you said you'd rather have big cocks in your ears than Steve McManaman's voice, right?
Oh... Yes! Totally...