One of my favorite stories,
my favorite thing that went viral
in all of the pandemic, right?
There was this video that came out
of this guy, this single hiker who
was being chased or stalked
by a mountain lion for a good 5
to 10 minutes, OK?
And I want you to know,
it's one of my favorite stories
in the world.
My friend was so excited to tell me.
He was like," Jordan,
"I don't know if you've seen
"this video.
"It's a video.
"It's a hiker.
"He's being stalked by a mountain
"lion for 5 to 10 minutes.
"He's hiking by himself.
"He's a white guy."
I was like, you didn't have to tell
me he was white.
I knew it.
(audience laughing)
You said lone hiker.
Spell that backwards.
It spells white guy.
I'm letting you know there's
no way--
Black people don't hike
by themselves.
And when we do,
we're going to 7-Eleven
to buy Hot Cheetos.
(audience laughing)
That's what it is.
Matter of fact, the last time
I went hiking by myself,
I went with my men's choir
for a church retreat.
But there was too many Black people
that were really afraid to hike.
So we went to our local park
and sat in the sandbox for 72 hours
next to phone chargers.
(audience laughing)
Black people need reception
when we hike.
The minute a Black person--
"you got reception?
"Nope.
"Let's go.
"Lock it up.
"Let's go back.
"I guess that's it.
"We're good.
"We're good."
There's no way.
(audience laughing)
It's insane to me.
It trips me out, like me myself.
I'm joking, obviously.
I hike.
You know what I mean?
My hikes are just normally shorter
than everyone else's.
I hike from my car
to the sign that tells you
what dangerous animals you might
encounter.
I read it.
I hike back.
That's it.
That is it.
Now my favorite thing
about the story about the mountain
lion versus the hiker,
I just learned that that happened
here.
When I found that out,
I was like, oh, so, duh,
because every Black person I see
in Utah, I'm like, you don't belong
here.
I don't know what's happening,
but I felt it.
I saw a Black person at Zion.
I looked at him dead in the eye
and whispered, are you OK?
Like, I don't--
(audience laughing)
I want you to know,
every Black person that I've
encountered, everyone else and all
the White people are so nice.
You're like, hi.
Good morning.
But when I see a Black person,
he don't even make eye contact.
And I'm like, somebody needs
to flash a camera in his face
right now.
Get out!
I don't know.
I'm so sorry.
That was a personal story.
(audience laughing)
I got so scared.
It's the same.
But this is where we are.
It's very interesting.
Because here's the thing.
The reason why I don't hike
by myself is because I feel like you
need a safety net.
So I need to go with a partner.
And the reason being
is because if we encounter a lion,
we can't get away, but I can.
So, I just realized
I said safety net.
I meant to say sacrifice.
And that was my fault. That was
my fault. That was my bad.
I'm wrong.
Because I'm going to do it
in all situations.
It doesn't matter if I'm hiking
or if I'm in the streets.
I'm not going to be that tough guy,
OK?
Like I could be with my lady, OK?
And then if a guy walks up, 6 feet
tall, super huge guy,
if he walks up to me, and he's like,
"hey, is that your girl?" I'm like,
hey, not if you want her, sir.
Not if--
(audience laughing)
Not if you want her, because Jesus
said, ask and ye shall receive, so.
After if you take her,
I receive another girl in Jesus's
name, hallelujah.
(audience laughing)
That's who I am as a person.
There's no way around it.
I'm going to figure it out.
I'm not tough.
You can tell by my voice
I won't win
a threatening competition, OK?
This guy told me I sound like Katt
Williams, but I look like I would
name my cat Williams.
I was like, his name is Oliver.
I got you guys.
It's insane.
I will do whatever I can to get out
of a fighting situation.
And fun fact, if you don't know what
it takes to get out of a fight,
when someone tries to threaten you,
just play dumb and take whatever
they say literally.
You'll get out of the fight
all the time.
I do it all the time.
"You want a piece of me?"
I'm not hungry.
I'm not hungry at all.
Matter of fact, I just ate.
If I eat again, that's going to lead
to high blood pressure.
That's big in the Black community.
So I don't want to keep
that stereotype going, so I'm good.
(audience laughing)
"Well, you could just kiss my butt!"
Not without Chapstick, sir.
My lips are currently dry, so.
If I kiss it now,
it's going to make your butt bleed.
I just want you to know.
If you got it, I'll take it, but.
"You trying to go?"
I never called an Uber, sir.
I don't know where you think
I'm trying to go, but it's not with you.
Matter of fact, it's Saturday night.
It's late.
If I'm going anywhere,
I'm going home to get my rest
because I got to wake up and praise
Jesus with a lot of energy, so.
It'll get you out every time.
This is who I am.
I should be more
of like a courageous person,
you know?
Because that's what my parents are.
My parents are very, very
courageous.
I'm a say this now.
Just so you can see it, my parents
are right here.
They're in the front.
(audience applauding)
I'm very excited.
They came here to support.
(audience cheering)
Stop clapping, though.
This is about me, not them.
This is not them, thank you.
Wow.
(audience laughing)
I want to be a tougher person.
Nothing about me is, but it's
awkward because everything
about my family upbringing
says I should be one of the most
courageous people.
My parents are some of the most
courageous people in the world.
They are Marines, OK?
They met in the Marine Corps,
so when I tell you, they are--
- Yes!
- Yes, thank you.
They're so tough.
My dad wanted me to take it up.
He's like, "it'd be so cool
"if my oldest son could join
"the military."
I was like, it would be so cool
if you adopted somebody older
than me, OK?
It's not for me, unless I can be
the horn player.
(imitating horn)
I'd do that,
but I don't want to do that.
(audience laughing)
If I was in war, I'd be the camera
guy back in World War II was
watching.
Oh, he got you good.
Yeah, yeah, uh-huh.
That was fantastic.
(audience laughing)
That's going to be me.
There's no reason I should do this.
But I should be everything about it.
My mom was the toughest of all
the Marines I've ever met.
My mom was an old school parent.
You guys know what I mean
when I say old school, right?
We're talking whoopings everybody
knows that, right?
That was my mom
on a whole other level.
She beat me like Black lives didn't
matter.
You know what I'm saying?
(audience laughing)
She would hit me.
I was like, mama, whose side
are you on, OK?
Martin didn't dream about this, so.
(audience laughing)
You got to think about it.
When you think of a movie monster,
who do you think of?
You think about Freddy Krueger,
Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers,
right?
That's not me.
The first movie monster I ever met
was my mom, OK?
But no, this is not a joke.
I remember one day,
she was downstairs.
She yells upstairs.
She goes, "Jordan, didn't I tell you
"to come downstairs and do
"these dishes?
"I suggest you do these dishes
"before you get in trouble."
I don't know what happened,
but I was young, so I snapped.
I said, shut up, mama.
I said, you ain't done nothing
all day.
I suggest you stay downstairs and do
the dishes before you get
in trouble, right?
(audience laughing)
Out of nowhere,
this is all I heard.
(deep voice)
"Who do you think you're talking to?"
(audience laughing)
As soon as I heard that voice,
all the power in my house cut off, OK?
The lights cut off.
These crows came out of my closet.
(audience laughing)
My windows opened up.
There was two white girls outside,
jumping rope and singing.
They were like,
"one, two, your mom is coming
"for you."
(audience laughing)
I don't remember the rest
of that story, honestly.
(audience laughing)
I want to be tougher,
is what I'm saying.
That's never been me.
You know what I mean?
And that's why I can't join
the military.
Now, the Marines are just--
I feel like if you're going to join
the Marines or the military,
you have to be willing to take
secrets to the grave.
And I'm not that guy, OK?
If I'm captured
and I become a prisoner of war,
I'm telling my secrets,
your secrets, and Victoria's
secrets.
I'm telling--
(audience laughing)
I'm telling them all.
Snitches get stitches!
We'll call the doctor.
OK.
He's got a lot of work
to do on me, so.
(audience laughing)
You got to be
that tough person.
You know what I'm saying?
Like if I'm strapped in a hostage
situation, this guy is trying
to threaten me.
You know, they do the knife thing.
They put it under your nails.
Get it up the fingernails, stab you,
all that stuff.
You don't have to do that with me.
This guy threatens me.
"What's it going to take to get
"the secrets from you?"
I'm like, sir, pen and paper.
Do you have that?
(audience laughing)
Give me that.
Put the knives away.
This is a celebration.
You caught the right guy, OK?
(audience laughing)
Do you want me to text it to you?
You'll keep it better.
I can email it.
I've got Google.
It's not going to be a scam.
I promise you.
Yahoo scams.
Did you know that?
(audience laughing)
That's who I am as a person.
I want to be that person.
I just can't.
That's why-- here's the thing.
We're gonna get deep for a second.
That's why one of the biggest things
that happened during quarantine
in the protest was the Black Lives
Matter movement, right?
I'm a Black person.
I wanted to be down with them
so bad.
And it was cool for me
because they were like, OK,
you could be with us.
Do whatever you can to help.
You can be on the front lines.
You can march with us.
You can donate.
Let me donate.
Can I donate?
I want to donate?
Because if I'm out there, chanting--
I'm like, Black Lives Matter.
If I'm there, right,
but my day is over,
and I go back to my car by myself,
and I get surrounded by a bunch
of white people, and they're like,
"what are you doing out here,
"Blackie?"
I'm like, trying to make America
great again, sir.
I don't know.
I was looking for you.
Where were you at?
I was trapped.
Listen, I might look-- my palms are
white.
Let's not forget.
(audience laughing)
I recorded the whole thing if you
want it for information.
I will donate whatever I can,
just not blood.
OK, I don't like needles.
That's a whole thing.
You're like, how old are you?
When was the last time you cried
over getting a shot?
When I got my Johnson & Johnson, so.
Sorry, that's too much information.
So much bad stuff just happened
in 2020.
It was a horrible year.
You know what I mean?
Like at this point, I even question
where I live now.
Like, if you ask me where I live,
I'm not going to say the
United States.
"Jordan, where do you live?"
Gotham City, OK?
Because there's so much evil
out here, I don't know what to say.
My second favorite-- and actually,
not even my second favorite.
This is my all-time favorite video
that happened during the protests
and everything.
There was a video.
It was a white guy.
He was on the news.
He was covering up his face.
And he said, hey, this is not how
you silent protest.
They attacked me.
And I did nothing to deserve this.
But they call themselves
silent protesters.
Not five minutes later, right,
videos came out on social media
of this white guy,
and he's out there antagonizing all
the silent protesters, actually
showing you that he indicated
the whole incident, which was funny
to me, because his weapon of choice
was a bow and arrow.
And let me let you know.
Only a white person would think
a single bow and arrow can destroy
hundreds.
There's no way.
I promise you, in this man's home
was a picture of Legolas from
Lord of the Rings,
Hawkeye from The Avengers,
and Katniss Everdeen.
Before he grabbed his bow and arrow,
he said, "if we burn,
"they burn with--"
he knew.
(audience laughing)
And that was the first time I ever
really believed in white privilege.
And this is why.
Because Black people don't have
the privilege of shooting bow
and arrows.
And you know why?
Because we lotion ourselves
with cocoa butter.
And I don't know if you know how
thick cocoa butter is.
But we'll never be able to grip
the bow the way we want to.
It's going to slide off every time.
You think we're going to hurt you,
but we're not.
We're just going to trim
your hedges, OK?
This whole neighborhood
has elephants in their front yard.
What happened?
That's because Leroy tried to shoot
them with a bow and arrow.
It was crazy to me.
You know what's
even crazier than that?
I learned that the bow and arrow guy
actually took place in Salt Lake City,
Utah which was hilarious to me
for a whole another reason.
I watched that video back and said,
I never knew that many Black people
lived in Utah.
(audience laughing)
I promise you to this day,
I thought all the Black people
in Utah went to BYU
and played on the football team.
But here's the thing.
I didn't think they lived here.
I thought they flew from Compton
on game day
to play at BYU to fly right back
to where they were comfortable.
I never knew.
I was like, that's a lot of them.
I counted at least more than 12.
So that's insanity, so.
(audience laughing)
And it's just insane to me
to see where we are now.
And you know what's tripping me out?
I think what I figured out more
is quarantine taught me I just need
to grow up more, OK?
I've never been a political person.
If you think I'm being political,
I'm not.
It was insane.
There was another video.
This was more recent.
There was this Black relationship
guru by the name of Derrick Jaxn,
OK?
This one came out.
It was very interesting because he
was the guy that's supposed to be
preaching about stay
with your wives,
and don't do anything bad to them.
And then it came out later that he
cheated on his wife.
And everybody was like, I can't
believe this Black relationship guru
did that.
And in my mind,
I was upset for a different reason
because I was like, I never
knew there was
another Black relationship guru
other than Hitch, so.
(audience laughing)
Will Smith played Hitch.
And as far as I'm concerned,
Derrick Jaxn does not have a movie.
So until Hitch 2 comes out,
I don't believe he's a Black guru.
His clientele better have one Albert
Brennaman.
That's about it, so.
(audience laughing)
This is insane, man.
I need to grow up.
This might shock you unless you've
just been looking at my hand
the whole time.
I'm married.
Like, what?
Thank you, Lord.
It's insane.
I'm very excited about it.
And I just-- I've learned that I
just need to grow up.
It's insane.
There's so many things that I've
learned during the pandemic
that I never knew before.
But to give you a perfect example,
I'm going to ask you a question.
By all means, respond back to me
because I just want to know if you
know this.
OK, did you know when you buy
stamps, the correct term for it
is you're getting a book of stamps.
Did we all know this?
- Yes.
- I never knew that.
I want you to know it was something
that blew my mind.
This is how I found out, right?
It's quarantine, so I'm deciding let
me try something different.
I wanted to mail out letters, right?
So I go to my Walmart,
and I go, excuse me, ma'am.
I would like to get some stamps.
The lady then proceeded to say
to me, would you like one book
or two books of stamps?
And I promise you, I said this
to her out loud.
Well, what's a book?
Like a couple hundred pages?
I don't really know.
Plus, it's a toss-up.
If we're talking Harry Potter,
Goblet of Fire, that's 636.
So really one book should last me
a lifetime.
I never knew.
So I said, I'm going to take one
book.
She goes to the back and comes out
with seven little stamps
in her hand.
I looked at it and was like, m'am,
this is Green Eggs and Ham.
I don't know where the confusion
came in, but Junie B. Jones
or Captain Underpants
is longer than this.
Why are you One Fish, Two Fishing me
when there are larger books?
(audience laughing)
It was the thing.
There's so many things I didn't
know.
Did you all know that fruits had
seasons?
- Yes.
- Never knew that.
I never knew fruits had seasons.
First of all, I didn't even know
there was any more fruits
than apples and bananas.
The song only told me that I like
to eat apples and bananas.
Here it is that I'm learning there's
more fruits in the world.
And it says it even in the Bible
that you're supposed to let
the crops rest so that the nutrients
and everything can continue to be
nourished, all that stuff.
I never knew this.
The insanity of us as a country
to be able to pick fruits whenever
we want to, yet the McRib comes out
once a year, every year,
is baffling to me.
(audience laughing)
I can get a strawberry whenever I
want, but I can only get the McRib
when Santa comes to town.
That is insane, so.
(audience laughing)
I don't know.
Just a lot of stuff
was so interesting to me.
But I think, overall, I think
the biggest hindrance as to why I
had not grown up as an adult,
why I'm not tougher, why I'm not
anything like that,
is because it's very hard to be
this big, strong man,
this tough, courageous person, when
you were born
and raised down the street
from Disneyland.
OK?
I'm letting you know now.
When you're born and raised
around Disneyland, you eat, sleep,
and think Disney.
No matter what situation I'm in,
I promise you,
I'm going to think Disney before I
think about anything else.
Like I could be in the hood around
a bunch of thugs with guns.
But if I hear pop, pop,
I'm like, oh, snap!
The fireworks.
What?
What time is it?
Is it 9:30 already?
Oh, my word.
It's a small world after all.
That's what I figure.
(audience laughing)
You hear pop, pop, you think they're
shooting.
I'm in the back like,
step into the--
(audience laughing)
The insanity.
It's who I am as a person.
I don't know how to stop it.
I wish I knew how.
But if I wanted to be a thug,
being a Disney person halts that
as well.
Because if somebody came
into my hood, my immediate response
is going to confuse him because I'm
going to think Disney.
It's going to come out in a Disney
phrasing.
So this guy walks in my hood.
I'm like, hey, fam.
I suggest you get out of my hood
right now, or I promise you,
I'm gonna knock that glass slipper
off your foot.
You ain't gonna never make it
to the ball.
(audience laughing)
Like, "what did you say?"
I'm like, you heard me, street rat.
Keep talking,
I'm gonna rub your lamp.
You ain't going to like my three
wishes because I'm a beauty.
But you're turning me into a beast,
and me and my Space Rangers
are about to knock you to infinity
and beyond.
You think somebody is worried
about you?
You got another thing coming.
Hakuna matata.
And they're like--
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
My favorite thing about that joke
is a lot of your faces was like,
oh, thank goodness he's done
with the Black jokes.
Like, you guys got so uptight,
it was insane.
You were like, OK, OK.
If I'm a thug, obviously,
I have gang members behind me.
No matter who I'm talking to,
they will be behind me singing,
I promise you.
They'll be in the back like,
We going to kill this,
brotha.
Like, we would be--
hey, thank you all so much.
Enjoy the night.
(audience applauding)