I have got a good one for you today. This is the first in a short series of videos
I'm doing with Rupa Kapoor, also known as woman redefined. When it comes to recovering from narcissistic abuse,
the truth isn't always pretty, but you have to note that it's possible to recover and not just recover, but to thrive
after abuse. Be sure you stick around to the end of the video, because this is
unconventional, but very real advice that will actually help you in your recovery from narcissistic abuse.
So let's get started. (Closed captioning provided by Athena Moberg and
CPTSDfoundation.org)
My name is Amgie Atkinson and on this channel I offer daily video coaching to help you discover, understand and overcome
narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships. I like to call it toxic relationship rehab.
So if that sounds good to you, hit that subscribe button
and let's get going. First, in case you don't know her, let me give you a quick introduction with Rupa,
take a look. Rupa Kapoor is a survivor of narcissistic abuse as well as a professional photographer
and life and business coach who loves to help badass
entrepreneurial women show up and be seen in their business and personal lives. Rupa believes that business and personal are intertwined and that by embracing
them, both this is how we truly thrive.
She loves to help women create their own visual story in both areas of their lives which creates balance and confidence and great success.
Most importantly, Rupa says she really wants to teach you how to fly or
fiercely love yourself, because when you do, she says that every part of your life will show up and be ready for you in the
biggest and most beautiful ways that you may never have imagined. Rupa adds that vulnerability is the new strong.
It's my great pleasure to introduce you to Rupa Kapoor, a woman
redefined. One of the things I see you say in your business all the time is show up,
what does it mean. So showing up, for me has been really?
about gearing my life to really being authentically who I am, but more than that showing up in my business and in my life is
getting away from the abusive cycle and
looking forward into my life.
So not really looking backwards as much anymore,
not concentrating on that and the show has actually changed over the years too.
So when the first show up started happening during
the marriage, the show up was really like getting out of my headspace
and out of my yucky sweats and actually looking up at people and smiling at them,
that's how my first story really started,
right, and then it was like why don't I get my own photo shoot done,
because clients kept saying why are'nt you doing what you ask other people to do and then seeing
myself and looking at myself was another way of showing up.
So now, on the other side of things, I mean showing up is having the confidence to run my business
differently or
to make those phone calls and showing up as I want to for my women too to show them that they can do the same.
Right. I love that. Yeah. Yes.
As a survivor yourself, you're in the thriving stage now, what's the best way to learn to love yourself?
Like what is your number
one tip for
survivors on kind of letting go of all those old voices and negative self perceptions and really starting to embrace your true self and your
your real self. Wow, that's a loaded question,
because we're not really ever taught that is what I've learned over the years and then we make
relationships that almost like do the opposite of that
or do the positive of that, but we have to believe in that.
So I've worked with a coach. I worked with you
to start and then I worked with another business coach as well and we talk a lot about that and right now,
honestly, for those men and women that are in the situation, the way I would put it is
like loving yourself is giving yourself permission to be kind to yourself,
like really being kind to yourself
but also really important is giving yourself grace when you can't, because we have this tendency
due to old tapes in our head and what's been given back to us, that we beat ourselves up if we don't do the right
thing, because that's kind of like what we've been used to.
So the way I'm rewriting the self love tape is what I call it, is really
like saying, you know, this is how I believe in myself,
so if you want I'll be happy to share a practice that I do on a radio. Please do.I'm gonna do that.
I think that this has helped a lot of women in my group and I write about this on Facebook all the time.
So I do a lot of oils, but minus the oils and stuff, I actually every morning,
I don't really say affirmations, because affirmation kind of make me a little more
anxious, 'cuz I don't always believe them. So I've been doing more and more around this
you know, I love feeling more confident. What if the
universe supports me in my growth?.
What if it's okay that I love myself more and
that may sound really hokey to some people and it may sound on point to others,
but man, it works for me, because in that moment of anxiety, because you have moments,
I just go right back to that space and it's a healing space.
Absolutely. I love that. That's really good.
Yeah, I've actually had several people say to me, you know affirmations make me anxious. So this is really a great tip,
thank you for sharing it. Yeah, you're welcome. How could having a photo shoot help a survivor feel more empowered?.
So in the relationships that we've had, we have been mirrored by the other person
so a lot of times we don't see our beauty, we don't see our value, we don't see our work,
we don't see that. I didn't see it,
you know,
I looked in the mirror and I only saw what I was told
sometimes and
so, although I felt like I think I'm pretty, I think I'm this and you know all this, so what I've noticed with the
photoshoots is that women, they just light up. I think my favorite mo... right now,
like I see women when I show them like a couple of photo here and there I've had women cry and I'm like
okay, we got to be careful with a makeup,
I can't show you no more images right now,
but part of it is, like they've never seen themselves that way, so it's almost like they're inside energy,
soul is kind of coming on the outside and they're really seeing it for the first time.
So I think for survivors, to answer your question;
it lets them really embrace who they are, because sometimes we don't see that when we look in the mirror,
it's just not what we've been taught and I'm a little seeing that when I work with women. It's like the best,
absolute best part of my job.
I love that and you know what?, as you were talking it occurred to me; because survivors so often I thought come out
with body dysmorphia,
we think we're horrible and ugly
I can honestly tell you that I've never spoken to a single survivor who I thought was horrible and ugly. They have always been
intelligent, attractive people, so to go in front of a camera, to
bury you know, proverbial soul as it were
or your face or whatever, you kind of see, I think, especially when you have a photographer like yourself who is so tuned in
to the art of it all and to the essence of the person, I think you end up with a
photographic portrait, a piece of art that kind of like
wakes you up,
like it it teaches you that all those things were wrong, that those people told you for your whole life or whatever, your whole marriage,
whatever it was. I have had women tell me the transformation that takes place after a photo shoot.
I see the transformation like physically during, but what I see with women afterwards, like the ones especially if they have businesses and stuff, like
the way they elevate their business,
so much of it and I'm not saying it's just a photo shoot that does that, but I think it's that inner confidence that comes
out and when people see their images on Facebook and what I hear from their friends and stuff are like, oh my God,
that is you, like that is your soul shining through and that is like the best compliment I get.
I love that, because that tells me that there is that connection and ... is feeling it.
So yeah, I think that um, you know, they really, they start feeling
something way bigger and then that's when... I think that's actually that point where like the self love also gets even
deeper, you know, 'cuz they took the time to do it for themselves as well,
and that is a step on its own, right?.
Absolutely. Now this question comes from a survivor.
So the question is; What strategies and practices can I use to refocus on myself and detach from this situation being the toxic
narcissist. I'm tired of reading and hearing about narcissist. I want to know about me, who am I?.
What do I want?. Which strategies and practices could I use to ground myself
emotionally and heal from the traumas of the past that I still am carrying. I will be really straight forward and honest,
I mean, I'll tell you guys a little story if you want to hear it.
It's when I went to therapy about a year and a half ago,
when I finally after 18 years realized what was actually happening,
my therapist said, you know
you're this 5ft naughty little girl and little woman and you've been
basically having all this dirt shoveled on you and so it's gonna take a minute to like dig out of that and kind of really
like see who you are, because I would... people would ask me like,
who are you?, and how... I didn't know who I was and as a woman
we also get caught up, whether in that relationship or not,
which we all are, which or some of us were,i we also get caught up and taking care of kids and you know
that's our responsibility too, right?, so I'd say to get grounded, what I started doing to really get focused and stuff
was I journal a lot.
I do write and writing for me has been very, very cathartic.
So if you're in that space and you want to really get grounded,
writing... And I'm not talking about the bad stuff,
I'm not... what I do now is I look for forward movement. So I've been doing a lot of writing... Is that your cat?,
that's awesome.
...a lot of writing and writing like what I want to see happen in my life, so it's a letter to myself
six months from now. Yeah. Hey Rupa, here's what's going on. As if I'm living it. I love that.
So hey, this is what's happening. I, you know, did this in my business, I made this much money,
I'm gonna be traveling to x and wasn't that trip fun, as if it's happened.
Yeah.
And what I encourage you to do
to the girl that wrote this or the guy that wrote this is like, read it to yourself on a regular basis.
I love the San Jake, as you know I'm all about animals.
You must know... it's all... I know, I held a dog at the coffee shop today for somebody.
So the writing is... the writing is critical.
I am learning that art is a really big thing for me to get really grounded, it quiets our brain and
you know the other big thing is...
everybody says meditation, it took me a minute on the meditation.I couldn't quiet my brain enough to want to get grounded,
this is gonna sound really silly and
it made some people like whatever, but what I would actually do like
literally, physically get grounded, sometimes when things were like in the house and like, you know
I couldn't deal, I would actually go outside,
take my shoes off and put my feet in the grass
and just sit there, because something about being in the earth and holding on and then just taking that breath,
so you go back and as you've taught me, as I watched your videos, you know,
like not engage. All of a sudden I was so grounded and so solid in my practice that I didn't need this,
I didn't want it, I didn't thrive off of that anymore at all, right? Right.
So, there's a couple of things there, they can go deeper,
but those are the things that kind of saved me as I walk through, a lot of it.
Let me just throw this in here too; something that I have found, because I can't meditate the normal way,
usually I need to do something different
and so I've done the grounding thing like you have and I've also... I also do this other thing and people will think it's not
spiritual or whatever, but it works
so well that I can't recommend it enough and it is to put your earbuds in, put on your happy playlist as and get it rocking, ...
you know when you think about that, because you and I talked about that when I was trying to move out of the house,
couldn't pack and everybody gave me their song list, I still have it, it's called Rupa's freedom tour. Nice!
It has 500 songs on there and yes just danced it out because physical movement... I actually do that in my studio during photography sessions.
Oh wow. I actually have women move and dance and like kind of... because it just... It does get you grounded and ...
yes, or walking or whatever, ... it clears your head so fast I think, when your head"s all blaaaaaaaaaahhhh, for me.
Any tips for somebody who's trying to figure out who they are after abuse, any other tips for that before we move on?.
Or who you are. Yeah, like if you don't know who you are, you've been in this relationship 30 years,
Let's say or it's your parent or something.
I always knew who I was, but I
I sort of lost that along the way and then I had to reinvent it afterward,you know what I mean.
Did you have a similar situation or...? I did.
Uhm
I know that I had a lot of people ask me like what I love to do and what I wanted to do and you
know my business had kind of gotten lost in it as well and I, as you knowI was really sick.
I think the sickness on top sickness on top of sickness had a lot to do with a toxic relationship.
I am like beyond healthy a year later,
like drastically different, speaking of which... let me interrupt you and tell you that I saw the picture,
there was a picture attached to your email, like I guess it was your old picture or something,
girl you don't even look like the same person in that old picture, like you must have lost a significant weight. I lost about 35 pounds.
Yeah, yeah and... you did that purposefully?.
That wasn't done purposefully.
It was really to manage my health and in the health part of it, like it's, but you know what?,
I think it is and the doctor actually thinks it's no stress from that,
no toxicity from that and me living in that peaceful space.
I'm would sit in the evening sometimes and just say wow, listen to the peace and quiet.
I have my animals with me and it's peaceful
and so I think that you know,
I'd say that for the somebody that's looking to like find themselves,
like look for it in that peaceful space and do things that are fun,
of what I did keep doing when I could as I tried to dance,
I had really great supportive friends that hung out with me and I got rid of the ones I didn't,
just done, I mean and they're easy to get rid of more and more and more now,
like they just don't need to be around anymore, because it's all about elevating other people and
elevating myself
around the people that need, you know that we need to be with each other kind of thing.
So and I will tell you that I think what happens in that magical... there's no formula and finding yourself,
I think if you do that and you do little by little... my hashtag for a long time is (hashtag) #babystepstowell-being
and
it was baby steps.
I am one of these that wants the hurdle and be done and out and I realize that that's just not the way it works,
so honor the baby steps and they you will heal and you will find out who you are. I kind of feel like it's layers.
Totally and I just want to throw in here, I'm with you 100% and I think that I would add; if you don't
accept yourself in the moment, like right now as you are, flaws and all and I mean radical,
self, conditional self-acceptance without limitation, like admit to yourself that you don't want to do the dishes, admit to yourself that you know
you'd rather pay somebody to clean or they you know
whatever admit to yourself who you are and accept it
and then what I found is that taking that, all of these tips that you're offering and
doing the baby steps you know, trying to fit what do I love to do, what do I enjoy doing,
What would I do if I didn't get paid and I didn't need money, you know what I mean?
What would I do for free?, that's how you figure it out
I think. The simple thing is like you know what, just sit down the sunshine for an hour 'cuz you can,
because I did that so many times and I felt I looked around that kind of felt guilty and
it's not like I needed to feel guilty, that's not... that wasn't even it, it was just my own take on it, right?.
So I mean and I'd say the biggest thing comes back to give yourself grace. Yes, exactly.
Like you're gonna stumble, you're gonna stumble and you get back up.still stumble,
it's like I'm only been, it's been a minute, you know, it's not been that long.
So, I'm just knowing that I now have a tool belt that when something happens, I can go to that tool and
say alright Rupa, you're not gonna spiral down that far anymore, you're gonna recover faster,
you know, you're not gonna let that mean girl beat you up, you're gonna recover faster, kind of thing. Yeah and I'll tell you something;
It's been several years for me and I still have to admit sometimes have those moments.
I think we're in recovery forever in a way almost because we have to stay vigilant.
Would you agree that recovery from narcissistic abuse kind of brings you to a new?
evolutional level, kind of that other people don't always get to. I think so,
I mean and the people that don't know about it or don't even believe in it,
I don't wish it upon anybody ever, I mean, it's not what you want to ever go through,
but I do think that what it does and if you go from just a perspective, but of like deeper stuff,
I think those of us that have gone through it, we do get to another level.
I feel like I've been on the search for it.
I know a lot of the women that I know that are in recovery and doing
beautifully, thriving, are under search for it, even in their relationship to themselves and
relationship to others, there are just more...
I think the word that people have used for about me recently is I'm so much more aware
and I'm not saying I'm aware of like that bad person, I'm just more aware of myself.
I think the biggest part of my recovery has been to say thank you and I forgive you and I love you,
but listen, it's not... I'm not saying it to him, I'm saying it to me.
Absolutely. Yes, Huwaian phrase, the Ho'ponopono phrase, that's what it is
and when I started doing that, I forgave myself and thanked myself,
I started loving myself like the awareness is huge now, so I am more aware of
how I feel and how I want to move forward.
What did you think of that?
If you found as much inspiration in this video as I did, make sure you hit the subscribe button so that you can stay tuned
for the next segment with Rupa kapoor from womenredefined.com.
Alright, now this brings me to the question of the day.
And the question of the day is; Did you feel inspired by anything you saw in today's video?.
Share your thoughts, share your ideas, share your experiences.
in the comment section below and let's talk about it.
If you want to learn more make sure you take a look at the video
I'm leaving for you right there and it will give you so much more information about this.
Before I go, I want to offer a quick shout-out and a big thank you to all of my channel members, those people who support
me through the YouTube membership program. You are awesome and amazing and I'm so grateful for you.
I'm going to show you their names right here and I just want to say again, a big
thank you to each and every one of you.
With your help, I'm able to continue to provide free, daily video coaching, free resources at QueenBeeing.com,
free videos like this one to help people get through the hard times, discover, understand and overcome
narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships and to evolve to the next level of their life.
Thank you so much, sincerely, it means the world to me and it is my mission in life, thank you.
Again, I just want to say to my inner circle, thank you so much for hitting that join button,
it really does mean a lot to me to know that you're supporting me,
thanks again from the bottom of my heart and to you who's watching my video right now, thank you, thank you for being here,
thank you for liking, commenting, sharing my video,
it helps me every action helps me to do just a little more for this community and it means everything to me.
Again, thanks so much.
As always, thank you so much for being a part of my day and a part of my life and hey,
thanks for letting me be a part of yours, it really does mean a lot to me.
Make sure you take a look at the videos
I'm leaving for you right there and right there and while you're here,
hit that subscribe button right over there so we can stay connected and continue on this healing journey together. I'll see you soon.