In the Texas town of Arlen, there’s a wide range
of intellect to be found - from those who are a bit naive and easy to trick,
to the cleverest and wisest of the bunch. In terms of everyday smarts, who in the
Rainey Street neighborhood shines at the top of the class and who needs a few extra lessons?
I’m Kifinosi with WickedBinge, and this is King of the Hill characters: Dumb to Brilliant.
With this list, we’re mostly going to be focusing on the main characters of “King of the Hill”,
so no minor or bit characters. With that said, let’s get started!
As always, we’re going to be starting with the “Not So Bright” category,
looking at the characters who could easily be classified as
dumb or incredibly naive to the point of almost being a danger to themselves.
At the top of this tier, we have Cotton’s wife, Didi. In all honesty, it’s hard to
know if Didi is actually dumb or if she’s simply depressed most of the time. While yes,
she did choose to stay in a bad situation pretty much until the day her husband died, we do know
that she and Cotton did care about each other, in their own sort of way. As for Didi herself,
she never seemed too noteworthy in terms of skills or accomplishments. Prior to meeting Cotton,
she did basic tasks as a nurse working at the veteran’s hospital. When she gave birth to G.H.,
there were moments where she either wasn’t sure how to care for him or just simply forgot where
she put him - even while he was still strapped to her back. While we can’t say that Didi is dumber
than other minor characters like Jimmy Witcher or some of the school bullies, her lack of any
real accomplishments and tendency to not make smart choices puts her in this spot by default.
Following her is another blonde, Luanne. It really does hurt us to put Luanne here. As most fans
know, Luanne started out fairly smart. Emotional, sure, but still skilled enough with a wrench to
fix up both Hank and Cotton’s vehicles without too many issues, showing that she had the makings of a
good mechanic. Unfortunately these traits were quickly forgotten about as the show went on,
with the writers making Luanne dumber and easier to manipulate. Although she had
moments of being creative, such as with her Manger Babies show, she struggled quite a bit
with both beauty school and community college, dropping out of both. She knows juuuust enough
to eventually become a barber, but that’s about it. She can be incredibly absent minded and,
more often than not, lets her emotions drive her more than well thought-out plans or goals.
Funnily enough, Luanne’s husband - Lucky - is going to be ranked right above her. Much like
Didi, it’s hard to know Lucky’s true intelligence. Is he really as dumb as he sometimes comes off as,
often being seen as fairly oblivious and easily trusting, or is he simply happy enough with where
he is in life that he doesn’t try to achieve more? When Peggy was trying to help him earn his GED,
Lucky proved to actually know quite a bit of the material already, leading to Peggy
being forced to sabotage him. Lucky was also savy enough to sue Cost-Co, earning him his
famous settlement and his nickname. Outside of these instances, however, Lucky doesn’t come
off as all too bright. He can also be just as easily manipulated as Luanne can be at times,
so it makes sense that they’d be ranked near each other. We will give Lucky some credit though:
as shown by the episode “Strangeness on a Train”, the guy’s pretty great at solving mysteries.
Next up, we have the first of our Rainey Street four - Bill. This is another character whose
intelligence is often influenced - or in some cases, counteracted - by his emotions. While
Bill’s military know-how once allowed him to drive a real-life tank and his haircutting
skills are apparently noteworthy, his desperate need for companionship makes it easy for others
to manipulate and scam him out of his money, his home and plenty of other things. Additionally,
if Dale’s not the one messing up the gang’s plans, it’s usually Bill instead. He does
have his moments of being crafty though, like when he managed to convince the people of Arlen
that they still needed to stay in the flood shelter. Unfortunately, Bill also has a habit
of self-sabotaging himself when it comes to his romantic relationships, though again it’s
hard to know if this is just him being dumb or simply acting on impulse and uncertainty.
We’re going to be ranking the not-always business-minded Buck Strickland next. For as much
success as Buck has had in his life, managing his own business and making a decent amount of cash
compared to his employees, you have to wonder if he was just lucky. While Buck occasionally shows
some businessman competence, the man seems to live by the mindset of “not knowing when to quit” when
it comes to his many MANY vices. Still, we had to rank him above the previously mentioned characters
since, after all, he taught Hank everything he knew about the propane business. While Buck may
be far from his prime, with his bad habits often leading him to be careless, it can be denied that
he - at one point - knew how to both survive and thrive within Arlen’s small business marketplace.
Finishing off this tier, we have Dale. Even a broken clock is right twice a day, and that seems
to just sum up Dale’s intelligence as a whole. Let’s start out with his more clever moments,
as there are actually a few of them. He was the only one to correctly figure out that
Chuck Manjione was hiding in the Mega-Lo-Mart and he was able to trick his gun club into
letting Hank and the rest of the gang go. Dale is also a fairly competent exterminator
and knows a ton about the ins-and-outs of the government, which in turn occasionally allows
him to bypass all the red tape. He also knows how to play the keyboard pretty well. However,
for as many great moments as Dale has had to prove his true brainpower,
the man is still pretty dumb in many regards. Many of his schemes end up backfiring horribly
and some of the conspiracy theories he believes in just don’t make sense at all. He also has his
moments of being easily manipulated and he can often jump to wild conclusions. Really though, if
not for his tendency to overlook logic - and often the obvious, like his dad being gay or Joseph not
being his biological son - Dale could have easily made it into the next tier. Speaking of which…
Next up, we have the “Average Intelligence”
characters. They aren’t too dumb, but they don’t seem incredibly smart in
any noteworthy way either. They’re the definition of B and C students.
Starting things off, we’re going to be ranking Cotton Hill. Being a soldier and later a colonel,
it seems reasonable to think that Cotton has quite a bit of survival skills that helped
him live as long as he did. Although some may underestimate him due to how elderly he now is,
Cotton had moments where he showed how he could still be a force to be reckoned with. After all,
it was Cotton who figured out that it was Kahn and Mihn who were sneaking into the Hills’ house
and messing with their things. He also knew how to inspire Peggy while he was helping her
with her physical therapy. Unfortunately, we’re still unsure how Cotton ranks on a traditional
academic level. He’s also been known to mix up dates and get details wrong when
recounting some of his stories. He was also easily manipulated into getting a timeshare,
although we could argue that this was more due to his pride than any lack of intelligence. Overall,
while he may have a decent amount of street smarts, we can’t rank him any higher.
Following him, we have John Redcorn. Although most only know him as a ladies man,
John Redcorn does have quite a few of his own skills. He’s well-versed in
his tribe’s culture and traditions, making him incredibly informative. During the times where
he’s actually doing his job and not hooking up with clients, he’s also shown to be skilled as
a massage therapist and “new age healer”. His talents as a musician are also noteworthy,
even if it took him a bit to find a sound that worked for him. Outside of these niches,
we feel like John Redcorn has average to slightly-above average intelligence. He
does lack areas in some fields like government bureaucracy, hence why he needed Dale to help him
get some of his tribe’s land back. John Redcorn was also easily scammed by false Native Americans,
being so desperate for a place for he and his band to play that he took out a loan without
making sure that casinos were legal in Texas. Regardless of his morality (or lack thereof,
in some cases), John Redcorn often manages to be one of the more level-headed characters in Arlen.
Getting back to the Hill family, we’re ranking Bobby next. Although he may be just a kid,
resulting in him being pretty irresponsible, naive and even dumb at times, it can’t be denied that
for a 13 year old, Bobby’s got a pretty good head on his shoulders. While he doesn’t excel in
school, he was an asset on his school’s Quiz Bowl team, being their pop culture expert. He’s got a
great eye for meat quality and meat judging, as shown in the series finale, and in “Goodbye Normal
Jeans”, he’s shown being a natural at things like cooking and cleaning. However, because he’s still
a kid, it can take him a bit to catch on to things and he can be pretty easily manipulated,
such as when he unknowingly helped Connie’s cousin build a meth lab and then brought it to
school for the science fair. In the episode “No Bobby Left Behind”, his teachers also felt that
Bobby was dumb enough that he could easily pass as ‘special needs’. We see by the end of the episode,
however, that once Bobby applied himself, he was ultimately able to pass the yearly standardized
test. He may still have some growing up to do, but we’ve got a good feeling that Bobby
will take on the better - and smarter - parts of both his parents as he becomes an adult.
Next up is the one and only Boomhauer. Speaking of level-headed, this could also easily describe
Boomhauer, the most low-key of the Rainey Street gang. Though he has his moments of being careless
or goofing off, like when he and Bill became obsessed with frying foods or whenever he gets
caught up in one of Dale’s schemes, he’s never really the one who initiates any major screw-ups
or bad plans. In fact, whenever Hank’s not around, he’s usually the one trying to give
the others advice, being the first to recognize a bad plan, even if he sometimes has to be a part
of it first. As contentious as it may be within the fandom, we also have to bring up Boomhauer’s
job as a Texas ranger, a job that takes quite a bit of skill and competence. Additionally, he’s
another character who’s a musician, being able to play the banjo, he’s seen being good at painting
in the episode “Naked Ambition”, and he can speak both Spanish and French. All in all, we feel like
he’s almost right there with Hank in terms of being both level-headed and fairly intelligent.
Just above Bobby, we’re going to be ranking his mother, Peggy. We’re sure that many of you likely
would have put Peggy a lot lower down - and, to be honest, we can’t completely blame you. One of
the most memorable jokes with Peggy is just how terrible she is at Spanish, often mistranslating
and misunderstanding even basic phrases. She was also easily tricked by a prisoner into becoming a
drug mule, with her not even being able to figure it out until the prisoner flat-out told her what
she was doing. But while her ego and pride can sometimes blind her, we still feel like Peggy
can still be smarter than some fans give her credit for. When she puts her mind to it, Peggy
can be very crafty, as seen when she snuck into the Alamo Beer board room and gave them tainted
beers or when she was able to get everyone’s money back from Dr. Vayzosa in “The Substitute Spanish
Prisoner”. Peggy has also been shown taking on a wide variety of jobs and occupations from teaching
and writing to running various businesses. Admittedly, these jobs have also seen a
wide range of successes and failures, but her resume still isn’t anything to sneeze at. So,
while it can easily be said that Peggy often makes dumb mistakes and decisions, we can’t
exactly say she’s a dumb person overall. She just leans more on “book smarts” in most instances.
Right on the edge between average and brilliant, we have Khan. As arrogant and foolish as Khan can
sometimes be, never quite being satisfied with all the great things he already has and always
striving for more, it shouldn’t be too surprising to see him this high up. In terms of skills and
academics, he learned enough English to make it through the immigration process,
eventually becoming a systems analyst. Khan is also skilled in Pencak Silat, an Indonesian
form of martial arts, and in “Just Another Manic Kahn-Day”, he gets to show off his engineering
skills when he helps Hank build a ‘super grill’ for the Grill-stravaganza event. But of course,
Khan has made his own dumb mistakes. When it comes to schemes, like purchasing Scrubby’s
Car Wash or when he tried to get out of sharing his half of the Mexican condo with the Hills,
they often fall apart quickly. This could be due to arrogance and Khan believing that
he’s “too smart” to need to think things through. This pride even prompted him to
reveal confidential military information to Hank just to try and impress him. But much like Peggy,
these more personal flaws and mistakes don’t quite overshadow
just how intelligent Khan can be when it comes to what he studies and works with.
Finally, we have the “Brilliant” characters, the ones who are either quite intelligent
when it comes to certain fields or who are just all-around clever and smart for the most part.
Taking the Silver Medal of Intelligence, we have Connie. Although she’s one of the
younger characters and, like Bobby, still has her own kid tendencies,
Connie has proven to be one of the smartest characters on Rainey Street, even outshining
her father when it comes to academics. She’s incredibly intelligent as well as patient,
still being able to excel in her studies even when everything around her is less than ideal - such
as when her parents decided to live the ‘hillbilly life’ by partying all the time. While she may have
been originally pushed into being an overachieving student, it’s shown that she does genuinely enjoy
some fields of study and that she’s naturally gifted when it comes to both academics and music,
namely the violin. Additionally, out of the three Rainey Street kids, Connie is usually
shown to be more logical than Bobby or Joseph, with there only being a couple instances where
she’s either been led into or actively chose to make bad decisions. Ironically enough,
the only area where she’s lacking is in her family’s native tongue, as it’s been shown
that Connie is unable to speak or understand much Laotian. However, given that this is often the
case with many second-generation immigrants, we won’t dock her too many points for this.
Finally, our Gold Medal of Intelligence is going to Hank Hill. While Connie may be the
most ‘book-smart’ character, Hank is the character with the most common sense and,
more often than not, is the guy with the best advice. We say ‘often’ and not ‘always’ since,
being a guy who can be… let’s just say ‘old fashioned’ to put it politely, he can sometimes
be dismissive or unobservant of the new and unfamiliar, causing him to occasionally come
off as naive. But when he’s in his element, either while being an assistant manager or while trying
to be a good neighbor and friend, Hank is really able to show off his true brilliance. He’s a wiz
with pretty much any power tool you could give him, knowing how to fix nearly anything around
the house. He tends to handle even the most stressful of business situations well, having
more than enough skill and talent to deserve the coveted Manager title several times over,
if only Buck would actually give it to him. Even when things around him seem to be at their lowest,
Hank has been shown in several episodes to come up with clever plans and solutions, saving the day
and screwing over the people who originally tried to trick him. Other talents of his have included
guitar playing, wood-working and fixing up trucks. Now obviously, Hank isn’t some super genius, but
there’s something to be said about a guy who just has a really good head on his shoulders. A perfect
representation of the best that Arlen has to offer, at least when it comes to his generation.
But let us know in the comment section if you agree with our ranking, and tell us what we should
cover next. Remember to hit that notification bell and binge our Dumb to Brilliant playlist,
where we figure out which characters have the most wits. But most importantly, stay wicked!