The original Splinter Cell - while a pivotal moment in stealth gaming - has nevertheless
aged about as well as the comedic stylings of Andrew Dice Clay.
Visually, it's held up better than most, particularly its beautiful lighting engine, which even
up until a couple of years ago was nearly on par with even modern releases.
But sadly, its gameplay was swilling geritol and shitting its adult diapers on the way
out of the birth canal.
The light-and-shadow stealth is serviceable, if blatantly derivative and borderline absurd,
given that Sam Fisher has a bright green Christmas Light jammed betwixt his ass-crack.
But the game's level design made Final Fantasy XIII look like a Choose Your Own Adventure
book, with about as much frustration.
Whereas the levels in later Splinter Cell titles began simple, gradually amplifying
in difficulty, Splinter Cell 1 has a sado-egocentric compulsion to begin a level by dropping the
player in a shark's mouth... and then forcing you to sneak your way through its fucking
digestive tract.
And can someone kindly point me in the direction of a stealth video game that features canine
enemies without breaking the game clean in fucking half?
It seems we have all of two options: Either dogs are walking quicktime events... or in
the case of Splinter Cell, they can smell the faintest traces of Sam Fisher flatulence
from the opposite end of the Hawaiian archipelago.
Ubisoft... it's a dog.
Not the fucking Clairvoyant.
Factor in the very same shoehorned shooting gallery segments that made Metal Gear Solid
such a pungent fucking delight, and what you're left with is a title whose fleeting flashes
of brilliance find themselves jungled from behind by the 500 lb.
gorilla that is the game's obnoxious action set pieces.
The resultant mediocrity accrues a proportionately mediocre 3 silencers out of 5.
But the series' unrealized potential was, at last, consummated with Ubisoft Shanghai's
release of Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow in 2004.
After the doldrums of the inaugural Splinter Cell's hackneyed, Eastern European doomsday
drama, Pandora Tomorrow's more nuanced tale of Indonesian dissidents and CIA turncoats
- while far from sweepingly original - looks like fucking Hemingway, by comparison.
I've stated it before, but for the purposes of public record, I'll reiterate: Pandora
Tomorrow is my favorite title in this series.
At first glance, it's a straightforward, chronological sequel.
However, given a long-overdue reappraisal, with a more keen eye for detail?
It begins its ascent - alongside Chaos Theory - among the elite echelon of stealth gaming
masterpieces.
I mean, what more damning indictment could there be of latter-day Splinter Cell... that
for all their developmental braggadocio about Sam Fisher's 'newfound mobility'.... and how
he's supposedly part fuckin' panther... in a practical sense, he's still less athletic
than he was in Pandora Tomorrow?
Oh, what's that?
In Conviction, Sam could dart between cover?
Been there, done that, rented the fuckin' time share.
"Time shares being one of the worst investments there is..."
Three games ago, he was pirouetting between cover points like a goddamn ninja.
Oh, in Chaos Theory, he's got a split-jump, does he?
Well, in Pandora Tomorrow, he can shift his weight during said split-jump, and mantle
himself to higher ground, in the process!
I mean, what the fuck?!
You can speed up the animations all you like, you can hire a 12-year-old voice actor with
the personality of a pube... but until Sam starts hittin' the One-A-Day again, he'll
remain half as athletic as he was nine fuckin' years ago!
Taking account the introduction of the vaunted 'Sticky Cam' and a dozen other gadgets modern
Splinter Cell fans take for granted, and Pandora Tomorrow was a much more significant milestone
for the series - and stealth gaming et al - than might be superficially evident.
With a save system that didn't make me want to carpet-bomb Shanghai, it might have been
the perfect Splinter Cell title.
4 & 1/2 Silencers out of 5.
But, ahhhhh...
Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory.
For every series, there exists a defining moment.
When the planets align, when every grievance of previous entries is remedied, when every
core element of play is polished to a sheen rivaled only by Hulk Hogan's skull.
Super Mario 3, Mega Man 2, Silent Hill 2, and in 2005...
Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory.
While Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow remains my uncontested favorite...
this is a case where I have no reservation in laying personal preference aside, and admitting
that Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory is the series' absolute zenith.
It's atmospheric, it's unapologetically tense, and even eight years removed from its initial
release, its graphics still look state of the motherfuckin' art.
On a high-end PC... at times, this game visually outstrips all three of its sequels by a country-ass
mile.
But fuck the visuals, because with infiltration and espionage gameplay this appallingly good,
this game could be uglier than Spoony's groupies and still be game of the goddamn decade.
Hated the first two games' checkpoint system?
Good news!
SAVE WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT!
*Choir singing hallelujah* Frustrated by the absence of frontal stealth
assaults that don't entail a .22 calibur lobotomy?
Whip out your knife and shank that bitch!
Top off the majestic formula with a preposterously entertaining co-op campaign that remains quite
possibly the finest 2-player experience of the modern era, a bitchin'-ass Amon Tobin
soundtrack, environmental ambiance that can actually mask the player's footsteps and dynamically
affect gameplay, and a wireless hacking feature that - okay, I won't lie, is more broken than
Sony's business model - and Chaos Theory boasts easily one of the widest feature sets of any
stealth game to date.
It is without the slightest exaggeration that I proclaim that Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory
is one of the few stealth titles on the market that is worthy of being mentioned in the same
company as Thief and Tenchu. 5 out of 5.
Fuckin' play it!
It's important to weigh Splinter Cell: Double Agent on its own terms, as measuring anything
up to the ten-ton tandem of Pandora Tomorrow and Chaos Theory is an exercise in impossibility.
It's understandable, then, that Double Agent elected to do so as a tag team, with two unique
versions of the same game that differ wildly, in every appreciable respect.
Prevailing public wisdom
more often sides with the 6th generation version.
And given a skin-deep appraisal, the PS2, Gamecube, and Xbox version - which both visually
and in terms of playstyle is more of a direct descendant of almighty Chaos Theory - should
be the Vegas, odds-on favorite to bear my fuckin' children.
In actuality?
I've lived with both versions awhile.
Platonically, I assure you.
Simply put: The PS3, 360 and PC version is far and away the superior stealth game, and
subsequent Splinter Cell releases have served only to compound its copious virtues.
All but one mission in this entire game is ghostable - meaning you can complete it without
knocking out or killing a single enemy - which, even measured against Chaos Theory, makes
this easily the most stealth-heavy entry in the entirety of the series!
If the previous titles were tense, Double Agent at times is one, prolonged anxiety attack,
with JBA segments that require Sam to subvert the schemes of the terrorist cell he's infiltrated...
while simultaneously maintaining his cover...
all within a merciless time limit.
Obsidian Studios rightly prides itself on the variety of 'gray' moral decisions exemplified
by Fallout: New Vegas and Alpha Protocol, but honestly...
I have never encountered greater moral ambiguity in a video game narrative than Splinter Cell:
Double Agent.
The story is rife with no-win scenarios, and the consequences for said choices are dramatic.
And, once again, the more nuanced allegiance system of the 360 and PS3 version - which
allows skilled players to maintain concurrent loyalty to both the NSA and the JBA - is vastly
superior to the morally black-and-white system of the 6th-gen Double Agent.
In a way, this was Ubisoft Shanghai's swansong, before being relegated to movie licensed titles
and running support for Montréal's pet projects.
Upon replaying this excellent and underrated game, I have to say the Shanghai studio deserves
far better.
Easily the finest stealth game of the 7th console generation.
4 silencers out of 5.
Last and less than fucking least, is 2010's utter embarrassment: Splinter Cell: The Bourne
Conviction.
There is, perhaps, no finer example of a storied franchise losing sight of its own copious
merits in a failed attempt to court a wider gaming audience that was never once in danger
of being interested.
That is, unless you count its sequel.
Jade Raymond recently shot her collagen-engorged ignorance dispensary off about how 'Splinter
Cell... was just too slow to be commercially viable.'
Fair enough.
But how, then, does one explain the fact that Conviction - the most grating, hyperkinetic,
attention-starved tryhard revolving procession of interchangeable action set pieces - was
outsold by every other game in the assfuckin' SERIES!
Splinter Cell: double Agent looks better, plays better, and holds up better in every
discernible respect!
Why in gentle Jesus would you entertain the thought of booting up this odious horseshit!?
Ms. Raymond, I'd tell you to blow it out your ass, but David Jaffe already left his career
in there!
You can only streamline a car design so much before it turns into the Oscar Mayer WeenieMobile.
If Conviction was a car?
It'd be a dildo on wheels.
Hiding enemy corpses?
What's that?!
Weaponry that isn't a handgun?!
Surely you jest!
Missions that can be completed without committing genocide?!
You're drunk!
Clearly, what you meant to say is 'Please, can my shadow-based stealth system be completely
binary?
Can you project my mission objectives on walls?
Pushing the 'select' button is hard work!'
Juxtaposing its dizzying linearity with the labyrinthine, counter-intelligence alphabet
soup vainly masquerading as a narrative, and a Michael Ironside vocal performance that
was so phoned-in it actually accrued long distance charges...
"Alright, you poindexters!
Let's get this right!
1 - Hey hey, kids!
I'm talking Krusty!
2 - Hey hey!
Here comes Slideshow Mel!
Again.
Here comes SIDEshow Mel.
Sideshow Mel.
3 - Huhuhahahahaha!
Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom, I'm done.
Learn from a professional, kid."
Splinter Cell: Conviction is an embarrassment to the franchise and the medium at large.
0 silencers out of 5.
Get.
Fucking.
Bent, Conviction!
"Oh myyyyyy."
I'm RazörFist.
Metal Gear Solid is shit and you should feel bad for playing it.
There's no punchline.
It's just shit.