LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- KEVIN HART.
♪♪♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WE CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT. LET ME HEAR YOU!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] YES.
YES. SO EXCITED TO BE HERE, MAN.
SO MANY AMAZING THINGS GOING ON RIGHT NOW.
WHERE DO I START? FIRST AND FOREMOST, JUMANJI.
I HAVE THAT COMING OUT SOON. EXCITED ABOUT THAT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] .
I CAN TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT THIS IS MY THIRD TIME HOSTING
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." MY THIRD TIME ON THIS STAGE.
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT. I'M ABOUT TO GO ON MY THIRD
TOUR, IRRESPONSIBLE TOUR. I'M EXCITED ABOUT THAT, PEOPLE.
BIG THINGS ARE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.
I JUST HAD MY THIRD BABY. I JUST HAD BABY NUMBER THREE.
YES. YES, I DID.
I CAN ADMIT TO EVERYBODY THAT I WASN'T -- I WASN'T EXCITED ABOUT
HAVING A BABY IN THE BEGINNING, WHEN WE HAD THE IDEA OF HAVING A
BABY, I WASN'T THRILLED. I DIDN'T KNOW IF I WANTED THE
BABY. THAT'S ME BEING HONEST.
DON'T JUDGE ME. I'M BEING HONEST.
THE REASON Y I HAVE GOT TWO ALREADY, MY DAUGHTER IS 12, MY
SON IS 10. I DID IT ALREADY.
I TOLD HER, THEY YOUR BABIES, TOO.
SHE SAID I KNOW, BUT THEY ARE OLD AND I WANT A NEW ONE.
I SAID FIRST OF ALL DON'T TALK ABOUT MY KIDS LIKE USED CAR.
THEY RUN PERFECTLY FINE. NOTHING WRONG WITH THESE KIDS.
THE THING FOR ME, I DIDN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THE 2-YEAR-OLD AGE
AGAIN. YOU HAVE TO HAVE PATIENCE TO
DEAL WITH A 2-YEAR-OLD CHILD. ALL THE YOU DO IS REPEAT
YOURSELF ALL DAY TO A 2-YEAR-OLD CHILD.
THAT'S ALL YOU DO. YOU SAY THE SAME THING OVER AND
OVER AGAIN TO A 2-YEAR-OLD CHILD.
HEY, HEY, WHAT DID I SAY? LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME.
NO. WHAT DID I SAY?
LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME.
WHAT I -- WHAT DID I SAY. NO.
LOOK, LOOK, AHH. NO.
LOOK. AHHH.
WHAT IS THAT? WHAT IS AHHH?
THAT'S NOT EACH A WORD BUT WE MADE IT A WORD.
GO BEHIND A STRANGER THAT YOU DON'T KNOW AND GO AHHH.
I BET THEY DUCK. IT ALWAYS FOLLOWS WITH A HIT.
I BET THEY DUCK. YOU HAVE TO HAVE TOO MANY
PATIENTS. I DON'T LIKE YOUNGER WOMEN THAT
ARE MAKING OLDER MAN HAVE THESE BABIES.
I WAS AT A PARK, I SAW 60-YEAR-OLD MAN WITH A
2-YEAR-OLD BABY. IT DISGUSTED ME.
HE COULDN'T KEEP UP WITH THE BABY.
THE BABY WAS TOO MUCH FOR HIM. HE WAS TREATING THE BABY LIKE
THE BABY WAS A LOOSE BASKETBALL AT A PLAYGROUND.
LOOK OUT. MAN, THAT'S MY BABY.
PASS IN A BABY BACK THE ME. COMING DOWN THE SIDE BOARD.
THAT'S MY BABY. HEY, PASS THAT BABY BACK TO ME,
PLEASE. HE COULDN'T BEND HIS KNEES.
HE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO WORK THE BABY EQUIPMENT.
HE KEPT TRYING THE TALK TO ME TO GET ME TO DO THINGS FOR HIM.
YOU, MY MAN, RIGHT THERE, COME HERE FOR A SECOND, PLEASE.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET THIS STROLLER DOWN.
OKAY? LIKE I GOT IT UP, I GOT IT UP,
YOU ABOUT I CAN'T GET IT DOWN. LIKE I TOOK VIE IING A RE AND I
DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AFTERWARDS.
I SAID IT IS A NEW STROLLER, ET CETERA A TOUCH AND RELEASE.
YOU TAP THE BUTTON IN THE MILL, THE VOLUMER IS GOING TO
COLLAPSE. HE SAID CAN YOU SHOW ME HOW TO
DO IT. I TAPPED THE BUTTON IN THE
MIDDLE AND THE STROLLER COLLAPSED.
HE LOST IT. I NEED YOU IN MY LIFE.
HE SAID CAN I GOT YOU TO FOLLOW ME TO MY CAR AND HELP ME
PROPERLY STRAP MY BABY IN THE CAR SEAT.
I SAID WHAT? HE SAID LET'S HYPOTHETICALLY SAY
I DIDN'T DO IT RIGHT ON THE WAY OVER HERE.
I MADE A LEFT AND MY BABY SLID TO THE RIGHT AND SMACKED HER
HEAD. LONG STORY SHORT, I HAVE BEEN
WATCHING THIS GUY'S KIDS FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS.
TRUE STORY. I HAVE TO SAY THIS, I HAVE TO
TAKE YOUR HAT OFF TO THE WOMEN WHEN IT COMES TO HANDLING THE
KIDS. YOU DO SO MUCH.
I TAKE MY HAT OFF. WHEN IT COMES TO PUTTING
STRUCTURE IN THE BABY'S LIFE, BATHING, FEETING THEM, TAKING
THEM TO SCHOOL, FROM SCHOOL. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT.
I APPLAUD YOU FOR THAT. BUT THE ONE THING YOU ARE NOT,
ONE THING YOU ARE NOT IS FUN. I KNOW WHEN YOU FIRST HEAR, THAT
YOU GET AN ATTITUDE. WHAT?
I'M FUN. THAT'S A LIE.
YOU A LIAR. I'M FUN.
NO, YOU ARE NOT. YOU ARE NOT.
YOU NEVER HEARD A KID SAY, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET HOME AND PLAY
WITH MY MOM. YOU AIN'T NEVER HEARD THAT I
CAN'T WAIT FOR MOMMY AND ME TIME.
THAT DON'T EXIST. DON'T NO KIDS SAY THAT.
ALL THE FUN RESPONSIBILITY LIES ON THE SHOULDER OF THE FATHER.
IT DOES. I KNOW RIGHT NOW WOMEN YOU ARE
LOOKING AT ME SAYING SO WHAT, IF IT DOES, JUST PLAY WITH THE KID.
WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND IS THAT THE FUN BECOMES THE HARDEST
JOB BECAUSE THE KID DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO SHUT FUN OFF.
LET ME TELL YOU THE SCARIEST THING FOR A MAN TO SEE A EVER A
LONG DAY OF WORK. HE'S TIRED.
THE SCARE YESZ THING FOR A MAN TO SEE WHEN HE OPENS UP THAT
DOOR REAL SLOW IS THAT BABY WITH LOT OF ENERGY ON THE OTHER SIDE.
OH, YEAH! I'M READY TO PLAY, DADDY!
I'M GOING TO PLAY THAT GAME WHERE YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES AND I
KEEP OPENING THEM BACK UP. I WANT TO DO THAT.
I WANT TO JUMP ON YOUR NECK, DADDY!
THAT'S A BAD GAME, MAN. YOU GOT TO HAVE A LOT OF
PATIENCE AS A MAN TO DEAL WITH THAT.
A LOT. SOME MEN HAVE IT.
SOME DON'T. I'LL MAKE A BET RIGHT NOW, I'LL
MAKE A BET THAT EVERY MAN IN THIS AUDIENCE THAT HAS A CHILD
HAS DONE WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY AT LEAST ONE TIME.
LONG DAY OF WORK. IN YOUR CAR, DRIVE HOME.
YOU PULL THIS THE DRIVEWAY. AS SOON AS YOU PULL IN THE
DRIVEWAY THAT BABY WITH ALL THAT ENERGY GETS IN THE BLINDS AND
SEES YOU. OH, YEAH, DADDY ABOUT TO PULL
UP. YOU SEE THE BABY.
YOU SEE THE BABY SEE YOU SEE THE BABY.
AND YOU BACK OUT THAT DRIVEWAY. [ LAUGHTER ]
WE HAVE GOT AN AMAZING SHOW FOR YOU GUYS TONIGHT, EVERYBODY.
FOO FIGHTERS ARE HERE TONIGHT. YES!
STICK AROUND. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.