WE'RE GOING TO START OUT BY TALKING ABOUT POLITICS.
PRESIDENT OBAMA ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK THAT, AFTER MEETING WITH
DONALD TRUMP, HE PLANS TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIS SUCCESSOR
THAN PRESIDENTS TYPICALLY DO IN ORDER TO HELP EASE THE
TRANSITION.
WHEN ASKED HOW LONG HE THOUGHT THE TRANSITION WOULD TAKE.
PRESIDENT OBAMA SAID, "FOUR YEARS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OBAMA IS GOING TO WALK TRUMP'S TEAM THROUGH ALL THIS.
SO, BASICALLY, OBAMA IS GOING TO BE GOING AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE
SAYING, "OKAY, NOW HIT CONTROL-C.
OKAY, NOW HIT 'P' TO PRINT."
IT'S PROBABLY GOOD THAT OBAMA'S HELPING OUT BECAUSE, AFTER
THEIR VISIT LAST WEEK, IT WAS REPORTED THAT TRUMP'S TEAM WAS
UNAWARE THAT THEY NEEDED TO REPLACE THE ENTIRE WEST WING
STAFF.
TRUMP'S TEAM BASICALLY THOUGHT THE WHITE HOUSE WAS LIKE A BEST
BUY THAT OCCASIONALLY GETS A NEW STORE MANAGER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW, I USED TO WORRY ABOUT DONALD TRUMP HAVING ACCESS TO
THE NUCLEAR CODES, BUT I DON'T THINK HE'S EVEN GOING TO BE ABLE
TO FIGURE OUT THE WIFI CODES.
( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF PEOPLE WITH NO
PLAN -- A LEAKED INTERNAL MEMO THIS WEEK SHOWS THAT, FIVE
MONTHS AFTER THE VOTE, THERE'S STILL NO PLAN FOR HOW BRITAIN
WILL LEAVE THE EUROPEAN UNION AFTER BREXIT.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT BREXIT IS, IT'S SOMETHING THAT
AMERICANS GET BORED TALKING ABOUT SIX SECONDS AFTER YOU
BRING IT UP.
YOU BRING UP BREXIT WITH AN AMERICAN, AND HE'S IMMEDIATELY
LIKE, "THIS IS 'BRAWKWARD.' I WISH I COULD 'BREXIT' THIS
CONVERSATION."
( APPLAUSE ) LET ME EXPLAIN THIS LEAKED MEMO
TO YOU.
NOT HAVING A PLAN FOR BREXIT IS LIKE YOU DUMPING YOUR GIRLFRIEND
AND THEN REMEMBERING YOU LIVE TOGETHER, SHE PAYS THE RENT AND
YOU DON'T HAVE A PLACE TO STAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT LET'S TALK ABOUT THE REALLY BIG POLITICAL STORY THAT CAME
OUT THIS WEEK.
FORMER PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH ANNOUNCED THAT HE AND HIS WIFE
LAURA WENT TO AN ANIMAL SHELTER LAST WEEK AND WELCOMED THEIR NEW
DOG, FREDDY, INTO THEIR FAMILY.
YEAH, APPARENTLY EVEN THE BUSH FAMILY NEEDED AN EMOTIONAL
SUPPORT DOG AFTER THAT ELECTION.
( APPLAUSE ) BUSH ACTUALLY HAD TO INVADE
THREE COUNTRIES TO FIND THE PERFECT DOG.
( LAUGHTER ) I GET IT.
COUPLE OF RIGHT ON PEOPLE OUT THERE, YEAH, THIS GUY'S AWKWARD,
BUT I GET IT.
THE DOG ISN'T HOUSEBROKEN AND LEAVES MESSES ALL OVER THE
HOUSE.
IN OTHER WORDS, HE'S ALREADY PERFORMING BETTER THAN JEB BUSH
DID DURING THE ELECTION.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( APPLAUSE )
GEORGE W. BUSH BECAME A PAINTER, AND NOW HE'S RESCUING PUPPIES
FROM A SHELTER?
IT'S ALMOST AS IF HE WANTS TO FORGET THE TIME HE STARTED TWO
UNWINNABLE WARS AND TANKED THE ECONOMY.
WEIRD.
( APPLAUSE ) HAVE YOU ALL JUST COME OFF A BUS
FROM A REPUBLICAN CONVENTION?
( LAUGHTER ) I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THE ONLY
REASON DONALD TRUMP IS IN THE NEWS IS BECAUSE HE BOUGHT A NEW
DOG.
( LAUGHTER ) CAN WE FAST FORWARD TO THAT
RIGHT NOW?
IT WOULD BE WONDERFUL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT TO SEE THAT DOG AGAIN.
THIS IS GEORGE AND LAURA WITH THEIR NEW PUPPY, FREDDY.
SO CUTE, RIGHT?
WAIT, ZOOM IN ON FREDDY.
LOOK AT HIS EYES.
HE LOOKS NERVOUS.
I GUESS THIS PHOTO WAS TAKEN RIGHT AFTER TRUMP WAS ELECTED.
FINALLY, WE CAN'T LET THIS PASS.
WE WANT TO GIVE A BIG "LATE LATE SHOW" SHOUT OUT TO YISRAEL
KRISTAL, THE WORLD'S OLDEST MAN
AT 113 YEARS OLD NOW YISRAEL ACTUALLY
CELEBRATED HIS BARMITSFA THIS WEEK
BECAUSE HE MISSED THE FIRST ONE AND THIS IS TRUE
DO TO WORLD WAR ONE WHICH IS AN AMAZING EXCUSE
WE JUST WANT TO SAY YISRAEL WE HOPE YOU HAD AN
AMAZING BAR MITZVAH.
IT MUST BE WEIRD TO BE 113-YEARS-OLD AND THINK,
"TOMORROW I FINALLY BECOME A MAN."
CONGRATULATIONS!