This is good stuff.
I am living my dream.
I don't know if you like what you do.
I love what I do.
I would have never thought,
30 years ago,
I would be in 41 states and
4 countries, getting to share laughter
with people.
Is that an awesome job or what?
(audience cheering)
And we need it, right?
We need it more than ever.
It's interesting though.
But as I travel the country,
I notice not everybody's as fun
as you guys.
People in New England,
little stuffy.
(audience laughing)
Lot of arms crossed,
a lot of frowns.
I don't know.
What's the problem up there?
I don't know.
I was doing a show
in the grand ballroom of
the Holiday Inn.
And right across the street
was a NASCAR race.
I never put that together, NASCAR
in New England?
I don't get NASCAR anyway.
I'm a little ADD.
What's the appeal?
Vroom, vroom, voo, voo.
I don't get it.
(audience laughing)
I was getting
ready for my soundcheck.
These guys came in,
wearing their jackets,
Team Toyota, Team Chevrolet,
talking about gear ratios
and tread depth and watch turn
number four.
I don't get it.
I don't even know what
NASCAR stands for.
I had to Google it.
Do you know?
It's a non-athletic sport centered
around rednecks.
That's what I found.
(audience laughing)
That's what I found.
(audience cheering)
Crazy stuff.
Yeah, they're a little
proud of their town, up there,
in Boston, too.
They took me on a little tour,
took a drive around.
We went by the airport.
And they said, "oh, look,
"there's the Patriots airplane,"
like I couldn't tell.
There's a whole logo, Patriots,
over the whole airplane.
I knew it was theirs.
The tires were underinflated.
I knew it.
But I was just saying.
I'm just saying.
(audience laughing)
There is a state I haven't been in.
But I just got invited to do
four shows in Alaska.
My agent called, whoa,
that's awesome stuff.
I said, will I
be entertaining Eskimos?
She said, "oh, Gordon, we don't say
"Eskimo anymore.
"It's not politically correct."
And so what do you call them?
She said, "frozen Americans."
(audience laughing)
And it's going to be in February,
February.
I don't know how cold that is
but last February, I was in Toronto.
And it was cold.
How cold--
- --was it?
- I saw a rap singer pulling
up his pants.
It was that cold.
(audience laughing)
Crazy stuff.
I started comedy in 1977.
I was on Carol Burnett in 1977.
Can you imagine that?
(audience applauding)
Truly as nice in person
as she is on TV.
Oh, the ca-- it was just wonderful.
I was just an extra.
But what a claim on my resume.
That is good stuff.
But I get interviewed a lot.
In 30 years, 3,000 shows,
you have a favorite audience?
I don't have to think.
I don't have to think at all.
Three words, women of faith.
20,000 women and me.
(audience laughing)
I felt like a piece of chocolate
cake at a Weight Watchers
convention.
(audience laughing)
And the other question.
I get all the time is, what's
the toughest audience you ever had?
I don't have to think about that
either.
Last May, 600 Amish dairy farmers.
(audience laughing)
Think about that.
They do have a sense of humor,
though.
They introduced me as the father
of 19 kids.
One of the farmers yelled, "rookie."
(audience laughing)
But you got to know your audience.
I work with young comedians.
I try to-- you got to know
your audience, right?
I wasn't thinking.
I told the NASCAR joke.
Nothing.
Car jokes for the Amish,
what am I thinking, right?
Dairy farmers, what do they laugh at?
Cow jokes.
Everybody knows one cow joke, right?
What do you call a cow with no legs?
- Ground beef.
- Ground beef, very good.
What do you call a cow that just had
a baby?
Decaffeinated.
I got them.
I got cow jokes.
They laughed, they warmed up,
they invited me back next year,
which is great but I didn't sell one
DVD that night.
(audience laughing)
You're fast.
I was halfway home before I figured
it out.
(audience laughing)
Next year, bring a generator,
bring a generator.
(audience laughing)
My favorite booking last year
is I got to go on a singles cruise.
Everyone say ooh.
- Ooh.
- You know what I learned
on a singles cruise?
There's a reason some people are
single, that's what--
(audience laughing)
there are some freaky men out there.
That's all I'm saying.
And it was not what I was expecting,
Sir.
Not embarrassing you, just ballpark,
what age do you think
is on a singles cruise?
Give me a ballpark, 20s, 30s, 40s--
- 31.
- I would have been right there,
Love Boat, right? '70S
♫ love boat. ♫
That's-- I grew up with that.
We would be wrong.
Oh, it's like 60 and over.
Yeah, they were wrinkled before they
got in the hot tub.
That's what I'm saying.
(audience laughing)
It was not what I was expecting
at all.
My wife heard me on the phone.
My agent called, "you want to go
"on a singles cruise?"
Oh, yeah, sure I'll do it,
I'll do it.
"What was that?", my wife said.
I was invited on a singles cruise.
She didn't even blink.
She said, "can I go?"
(audience laughing)
How do you take that?
You want to go on a singles cruise
or you don't trust me
on a singles cruise?
She said, "three days at sea,
"you could start to look good."
(audience laughing)
That's a true story.
That's the funniest thing she said.
I wasn't always this good looking,
just so you know.
I'm at my peak right now.
I just had a high-school reunion.
Man, do things change in 30 years,
don't they?
Like the homecoming queen,
oh time has not been kind.
And I looked at all the girls that
wouldn't date me in high school.
I was like, look what you gave up.
(audience laughing)
That's not the joke.
(audience laughing)
I have gained 68 pounds
since high school.
6' 3" and 119 pounds
when I graduated.
Yeah, that is skinny.
Yeah, when your pajamas only have
one stripe, that is skinny.
I mean, how many people
do you know
have to keep wallets in both pockets
just so people think you have
a hiney?
I mean, it's embarrassing.
It's embarrassing.
(audience applauding)
You're clapping for my hiney.
What is that?
Like I'm derriere deficient.
I am cheek challenged, right there.
There's a-- it's a disorder.
I should get some disability
for that.
It's crazy stuff.
Oh, my goodness.
I did.
I struggled in high school.
But yes, where was I?
ADD, I have serious ADD.
Have you noticed already?
I've never been diagnosed ADD.
I just went online, started to take
a test.
And I quit.
(audience laughing)
It was way too long,
three questions.
What were they thinking?
Oh, crazy stuff.
So my wife went with me
on the singles cruise.
Why?
Because I've learned this, right,
in 30 years of marriage.
When Mama ain't happy--
- Nobody's happy.
- --ain't nobody happy, right?
Do you know the second part of that,
when Papa ain't happy?
- Nobody is.
- Nobody cares.
That's exactly--
(audience laughing)
Some of the younger girls
on the cruise-- there were
some younger girls on there--
decided to sit next to the comedian
because everything that looked
like fun on the brochure cost extra.
And when you got 19 kids,
there ain't no extra.
So we sat on the beach
and looked at the water.
It's turquoise.
I grew up in South Philly.
We go to South Jersey.
It ain't turquoise.
(audience laughing)
It's kind of a duct-tape gray
with a touch of mucus.
It's just-- it's nasty.
It's nasty.
But I want to honor God.
I want to honor my wife.
So I look at the ocean,
look at my wife, look at the ocean.
All these girls are walking by.
Some of the young girls put
their chairs right next to my wife
and I, want to sit next
to the celebrity, the comedian.
Girls don't do this for me.
But I'm trying to look ahead,
look over, look good.
And this girl takes
off her little jacket,
putting sunblock on.
That's good, right?
Take care of yourself.
Out the corner of my eye,
I noticed a black ring.
I look closer.
It's a tattoo of a snowflake.
I yelled at my wife, look, look,
look, look, 10 years and three kids.
That's going to be a spider web.
(audience laughing)
I do a lot of talks.
I go to high schools.
Almost once a week, I speak
at high schools across the country
because I do a lot of talk
on behalf of adoption and others
you'll hear about it
in a few moments.
But I talk to kids about decision
making, where you go, what you wear,
or who you're with,
important decisions that can
radically change your life, right?
And with all this piercing and
all these tattoos, I tell the kids--
especially the girls-- please,
think before you ink.
Think before you ink.
What am I saying, girls?
I'm saying this.
That butterfly on your back today
is the buzzard in your butt
tomorrow.
That's what I'm saying.
(audience laughing)
There's consequences.
Oh, my goodness.