And seeing there is a middle ground,
again, if a middle ground should even be tried,
even if you should be trying to find one
because if the overall relationship is still bad,
then regardless you probably need to leave.
(Music)
Hey, what's up everybody?
This is Stephan Speaks.
Well, Stephan Labossiere
aka Stephan Speaks.
Here to give you some
dating and relationship advice,
life advice, you name it,
we talk about it.
As always, be sure
before we get into today's topic
to subscribe to the channel,
like this video, share it.
But today, we're going to do ask Stephan.
So, I'm going to be allowing you guys
to send in questions.
So, you can start preparing that
for future videos,
but I already have one for today.
And I'm going to be answering the questions
that you guys once specifically asked.
So, today let me just read you the question, okay.
Of course, I won't be revealing anyone's
identities or anything like that,
but let's just get into the question.
So, today's question says,
the guy I'm dating is really into reality TV.
So much so that he likes to follow
a lot of reality TV stars on social media.
Some of the girls that he chooses to follow, TV stars
and also some that aren't
make me feel uncomfortable.
The lingerie, bikini posts
that are constantly on his social media
is something that I really don't appreciate.
When sharing these feelings with him
he compare me to
the other relationships in his life
where the girlfriends do not care
about the same thing.
He told me that it felt controlling
when I asked him,
if he would respect my feelings on this
and unfollow the girls
that make me feel uncomfortable.
He also said he needed to think about
if he would be willing to
unfollow the girls or not.
This made me feel unimportant
because it doesn't seem like a big deal
to unfollow people for the relationship
and to make me feel better.
Am I wrong for asking him to
change these social media habits?
Is this asking too much?
All right, so, first let me give you
my personal perspective on
following the opposite sex.
Or following the opposite sex who may be
posting things that make
the partner uncomfortable in a relationship.
I'm a believer that it's never that serious.
As far as, okay,
if I've got to unfollow someone
to bring some peace, then do that.
Like, if you desire the relationship,
if this person is important to you,
if you want to bring peace
and add some security to the relationship,
then it should not be a problem to simply
stop following or not even like
certain posts on social media.
So, for me personally,
I would have no problem
embracing that request, all right.
And I do think in most cases that
if you are a man or a woman,
because this can happen both ways,
then you should highly consider doing that.
Because again, is liking and following
really worth creating problems
in your relationship?
I would argue it's not worth it,
so why not change it?
But let's flip this for a second
and consider the fact that
an argument can be made that if now,
or today it's not liking and unfollowing,
tomorrow it's how dare you even
look at this person walking past in the street?
The next day it's
you can't even watch certain TV shows
because this girl too sexy
or this man is doing too much.
Essentially what I’m saying is,
someone can make the argument that
if there's no line drawn, all right.
Because granted there is a level of,
creating security in the relationship,
but there's also a level of,
being secure yourself,
in that relationship.
And so, you have to ask yourself,
if you're the individual
who is bothered by these pictures,
why are you bothered
by these pictures? All right.
Now, real quick let me say this,
I do believe
there's a compromise that can be made.
And I'll get to that at the very end.
But ultimately let's...
We have to ask ourselves,
what disturbs us so much?
So, in this specific question, all right,
for the woman who asked this,
is it that you feel like
he's liking and following women
that doesn't look like you?
And because they don't look like you
that makes you feel insecure?
Because it's like, well, wait a minute,
is this what he really likes?
And that's a problem for you?
Is it a problem because
he's showing other patterns of behavior
that are unhealthy
or showing someone who might
step out of the relationship?
Is it because your last boyfriend
who was doing the same thing,
cheated on you
and now you're projecting that onto this guy,
even if he may be doing nothing else wrong?
Because you've got to ask yourself okay,
is this the only issue in your relationship?
If this man is perfect and doing everything right.
Loving you, supporting you,
transparent communication with you,
but the one thing he does
that doesn't sit well with you is
who he follows and liking some pictures.
Then an argument could be made that okay,
this is where you may have to you know,
you win some you lose some.
There's certain battles not worth fighting.
Now, let me make it clear,
Your feelings always matter.
And I do not want to dismiss your feelings
and I think no one should be
dismissing anyone's feelings.
We have to try to understand each other.
But if the overall picture is amazing
and he has this one thing,
but he doesn't take it any further.
There is no social media engagement.
Because that's the other thing,
where do you draw the line as far as,
what is appropriate
or inappropriate behavior on social media?
I would argue like, if I'm in a relationship,
I don't care about likes and follows.
But if you're DM'ing somebody,
we've got a problem.
If you're flirting in the comments,
we have a problem.
Because those kinds of engagements,
can create an interaction
that can now lead to something.
Following and liking a post
is less likely in most cases nowadays
to lead to something
because that person probably has
thousands of likes, thousands of follows.
So, that one person doesn't like ring a bell
or set off an alarm or whatever.
So, we have to determine
what is going to be considered
inappropriate behavior online for that couple.
And every couple's different.
But again, going back
to the earlier point,
if the overall relationship is great,
the argument can be made,
you let this pass.
However, if the overall relationship is bad,
or you've seen other issues,
then my thinking is
why are we even focusing on the social media piece?
Like, you're taking your eye
off of the real problem
and fighting a battle on social media behavior
that you may have a harder time
making your case for.
But you shouldn't even be bothered with that
because the focus should be on the other stuff.
Like, if he's mistreating you,
who cares who he's following?
It's the fact that he's mistreating you.
Even if he stops following everyone,
even if he stops liking any woman's post,
if he's still mistreating you,
we still have a problem.
If he's still doing other things
that are unhealthy in the relationship,
we still have a problem.
So, we have to look at the overall picture
and see again, is this social media thing,
a symptom of a bigger problem that exists?
Or is it an outlier?
Is it really just okay, maybe,
he really genuinely
doesn't think there's anything wrong with it
because he's generally
not trying to take it anywhere
and doing anything with it?
And so, in that case,
that's how you can figure out
where we can go with this
and how we can resolve this.
By getting to the root of both
why does it bother you
and why does he feel like this is okay?
All right.
And seeing there is a middle ground
again, if a middle ground
should even be tried,
even if you should be trying to find one,
because if the overall relationship is still bad,
then regardless,
you probably need to leave.
So, don't get too caught up
in just the social media.
But again, I want to
encourage both sides.
I want to encourage
the man in this situation to listen.
If it really bothers the woman
and makes her uncomfortable
and you even from the man's perspective
understand she's a good woman,
everything is great,
this is the one thing causing a problem,
then it's not worth
following and liking women on Instagram
if it's going to throw off
a great relationship.
Just stop following and stop liking.
And the same thing to the woman.
Listen, if he's been awesome and amazing
and this is the only problem
and there is no other
glaring issues in this relationship,
then okay, there can be a little bit more leeway
and try to be understanding with it.
But ultimately, I would personally
just not follow just not like.
I don't think it's worth it.
But again, look at the overall picture.
So, I hope that answers your question
and gives you some guidance on the matter.
Again, if you have a question
that you would like to have answered,
please send them to
stephan@stephanspeaks.com
and I'll take a look at it
and see if I can do a video on it.
Also, I do these Q and A's.
That question was actually pulled from one of my
previous Q and A's from my membership group.
For the ladies out there, if you want to
change your life for the better
and experience an amazing program
that's going to get you some results,
help you with healing, femininity,
you name...Getting closer to God,
hearing from God clearly.
Go to www.receivingmyblessings.com.
There is a link below
in the description and in the comment section.
I’m telling you, you're going to love it,
it's amazing.
But thank you for watching
and I'll see you in the next video.
(Music)