(jingly Christmas music)
- Uh, Mariah, we have some great Santas coming in today.
- OK.
- I think you're gonna really excited
to see some of these guys.
- Let's do it.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
- First up, we have 142.
- Hello, my name is Wesley Lipton York.
I shall be reading for the role of Father Christmas.
Do you mind if I engage
in a few actor's exercises before I begin?
Red leather, yellow leather,
red leather, yellow leather.
My wolverine requests some sriracha,
my wolverine requests some sriracha.
- Great, great, Wesley.
Do you wanna just go ahead?
- Ho! Ho! Ho!
Is this but mirthful laughter?
No, I'll live forever,
but every day I die a death of young and old.
- Can we see the next person?
- Absolutely, alright thank you so much.
We'll be in contact.
- [All] Thank you so much, thank you.
- Thank you.
- [Male Assistant] 123?
- Steve Jensen. (breathing hard)
Hey, there's a kid on my lap.
(crying) I didn't say goodbye to my kid.
- [Male Assistant] 168?
- [Female Assistant] Oh.
- How do you feel about beards?
- Oh, I actually can't do the beard.
I have a rare genetic skin condition,
I'm allergic to beards.
It starts as a pretty basic rash,
and then it very quickly evolves
into what I could only describe as low-grade epilepsy.
- There is no Santa Claus in the prison-industrial complex.
- [Mariah] So you're here to audition for Santa?
- Who?
- Santa Claus.
- Sandra Craws?
- Santa Claus.
- Never heard of him.
- If you don't know who Santa Claus is,
why are you wearing those clothes?
- I'm just in my ordinary clothes.
Have you been outside?
It's cold!
- Ooh, unfortunately I won't be able
to wear a fake beard, because my face
will begin to think that it's my real beard.
And it has nearly the same reaction.
- I was told that I was not permitted
to audition for this part, on the grounds of my gender.
- Sorry, did anyone find an iPod nano?
- [Female Assistant] No.
- (sighs) Shit.
- No, no children.
Mrs. Claus will not be baking cookies today,
because Mrs. Claus is done.
- Robot Santa.
- Ho, ho, ho, ho.
- You guys, it's the real Santa!
- Mariah, so good to see you!
- [Mariah] Hi!
- When you say "the real Santa," what do you mean?
- You want this?
I put it on the line!
(crashing) Sorry.
- There was no Christmas during Vietnam.
There was no Christmas during the Civil War.
There was no Christmas during World War I.
- My father actually has a very thick beard,
and because of that, I haven't seen him in about 30 years.
I can't listen to ZZ Top.
I've gone blind five or six times.
Fortunately, my sight does come back,
but it's a little bit worse every time.
- My agent said you were casting a Santa type,
and I thought I might fit the bill.
What do you think?
Ho, ho, ho.
- You guys, this is the real Santa.
- Oh, yeah, he's definitely the real deal.
- I don't like to book in the room.
- No, no, no, this is Santa.
- [Santa] Ho, ho, ho.
- I'm in the pleasure business.
(hocking, spitting_
- Eeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaoooooooooh!
- [All] Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
- [Guy in Black] Thank you.
- We didn't have to audition any of these people.
We can just go with the real Santa.
- OK.
- Does he work for scale?
- Well, you'll have to negotiate that with my agent.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
So long, Mariah!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
- Thank you so much.
- [All] Thank you.
- [Santa] Bye, love you!
- (kisses) Love you!